Coward, huzzah!
 

I'm on the brink of insanity.

I can't keep quiet about this, but speaking to someone is proving to be the hardest thing ever.

I've turned into this pathetic, waste of a life. I am so constantly anxious that my head hurts and the room sways when I walk. My skin is horrible and dry because I'm so stressed out. I'm achy all over and painfully tight-chested. I can't sleep anymore, and spend the nights worrying ridiculously over the tiniest of things, often resulting in midnight crying fits or panic attacks. This depression is so debilitating. I feel so worthless, useless, run-down, insignificant, hopeless all of the time. This has been going on since the start of May. May. And it's now June. This is the longest a period of depression has ever lasted for me, and I can't take it any longer.

I'm in a state of despair. All I do is cry. Or worry. Or both. Or pretend I'm ok because I'm so much of a COWARD to ask for help. I don't understand how I can want something so badly, but not be able to do it.

The desire to cut has almost comlpetely vanished. I have no energy for it. I have no energy for suicide, but that doesn't stop the thoughts. I am such a selfish person, I'm sorry. But hey, let's face facts here. I am a selfish person, who is once again using valuable space to complain about her own pathetic little "life", while it could be being used by someone worthwhile.

I acn't do this for much longer. It's killing me. I have NEVER experienced depression like this, I can't stress this enough and it's eating me up. I can't cope like this. I would really quite like to die, as horribly selfish and melodramatic as that sounds. Just die. I'm so sorry for being a huge, self-obsessed attention seeker here, but I can't see myself doing this. I can't find the words to express how horribly painful this is. Every day.

I'm sorry to hear you feel like this :( Hope you feel better soon, just remember you're a great person and you're not selfish, many of us have had these thoughts, just take care of yourself. *Hugs*

Hey there,
*cuddles you* It sounds like you're in a rotten place right now, but you have to remember it will get better. Although it doesn't seem like it now, but life has a funny way of turning things around.

You said you wanted to go get help. Have you considered making an appointment and maybe printing this post off and taking it to your GP?
Maybe take a friend with you for a bit of moral support and to make it seem less daunting.

Take care, sweetie and hope you feel better soon,
xxx

Tanya. Please, please, please go to that place.

I can completely relate.
But I promise you this will pass. I can not stress more how much that is true.

You know I'm **** with advice.
But selfishly. I bloody need you, girl.

You are one of the very few people who make my life worth living.
And you are SO, so so so so ****ing important in this world.
The amount of smiles you've put on people's faces. The amount of people who love you and think you're so incredible.
It's all true. Because you are.

I know no-body, and I mean no-body who's more selfless than you.

I can't say much else.

But I love you.

And PLEASE get some professional help, you know you need it.
Try very hard to get past your anxietys about it.

You are NOT weak, you are NOT pathetic, you are amazing and gorgeous.

I'm here. Let me be strong for you.

I feel sick. I'm hysterical. I can not do this.

OK, first off, you have made a massive step by realising you need to talk to someone, and even by reaching out for help online, you are trying to do something. It is SO hard to ask for help sometimes, but you know you need it. BUT you don't seem to understand that you DESERVE it. You are sick. If you had an infection you would go to the doctors and ask for help, it is just the depression talking, telling you you are being selfish. You are NOT. You deserve to get better just as much as anyone does, it isn't your fault you are depressed or need help.

I know how hard it can be to talk to someone, but please, please try and seek help. _inevermetanothergemini_ suggested printing off this post and taking it to your GP, and I too think that writing something down to take to the doctors can help, because it can be very hard to open up to someone vocally, but it isn't so hard to hand them a piece of paper.

I hope things look up for you soon sweetheart.
Lx

I can feel the pain you are feeling through your words. Please do not tell yourself that you worthless, selfish and an attention seeker. You are none of them things. In my opinion I believe that you are a very brave and strong person. Don't give up.
Please do not let depression get so bad for you, that the only option making sense to you seems suicide. Suicide should never be an option when there are other choices and options available. Remember suicide is a one way street, when you've gone down that road, there is no coming back.
Perhaps you should consider getting professional help? Talking to your GP could be the first step. By getting professional help, you are being given stepping stones on the way to a much happier life. Things do get better so you have to tell yourself that.
If you feel this is just to difficult at the moment, try talking to someone. Even if that is just a complete stranger.
You could ring the samaratans (08457909090) or try texting them on (07725909090).
Please don't give up, you are worth much more than that.
Im here to talk to if need to, pm me anytime :)
Take care.
x x

darling please tell somebody, things will get better
look after yourself
xxx

Hey hunny, I know this may seem like a really stupid comment but please try to think it for a bit and see, but, this is the longest you have been depressed so surely the chances are this is going to improve soon. Are there any things that give you any sort of break, like pets, hobbies, sports? If you are tight chested, whatever the cause maybe a trip to the dr would help because there are inhalers that open your airways and nothing is more restrictive feeling like you cant breathe, which must be adding to your anxiety.

Have you ever tried aromatherapy? Or a massage? it might be worth a try. But whatever, you have admitted you need help, and asked us here for support so you can do this, you can ask for help.

I know what you mean when you say you have no more energy to cut or OD, its gone past that. Hopefully its a good thing because it will keep you safe for a while till your mood improves, and it will. Take care and PM me if you wanna chat cos i am always here, even if it is just to distract or talk about the crappy weather :P

X Marie X

Ohhh, Tanya, honey.

You have no idea how much I just want to be able to take this all away from you. You don't deserve to be feeling like this, sweetheart. You are such an amazing person, and I love you so much.

You are not pathetic. You are not a waste of life. You're not, you're not, you're not. You're nothing bad; it's the depression clouding your judgement. You can't see it right now, but you are so lovely, and generous, and you deserve the world.

Please try and get help. I know it's horribly terrifying and it seems so, so daunting - but from what you've described, you really need this. Think about it - would you rather face your fears and get help that will make things look up for you, or keep going through this? I hope that didn't sound nasty or anything, but really - as much as I am so glad you posted, and as much as I wish I could help you, there's only so much I or anyone else can do. We're not professionals; we can't diagnose you with anything or give you any medication or professional counselling or anything like that.

If you're feeling like you can't cope, then sweetheart, you need to get help. I can't stress that any more. Honestly - what's the worst that could happen? Please talk to us, and tell us why you're so worried about getting help. It's completely understandable that you're anxious, but when the benefits far outweigh the risks as they do [because as I can see it, there really are no risks] then you really should just go for it. We're all here for you, every step of the way.

Tan, you're not selfish. You have as much right to talk about things than anybody else, and please don't convince yourself otherwise. You are entirely worthwhile, honey.

*Huge cuddles*. I'm always, always here for you. I care more than I can say. Please stay safe and keep posting. :love:

I've got to be the most selfish person in the world. Oh for the love of God, STOP POSTING THEN.

I called the Samaritans yesterday. "Samaritans, can I help?". I didn't even speak, I just hung up. I was so scared. And now I'm scared it'll turn up on the phone bill. Huzzah! I went to town today to bite the bullet, and speak to my local drop-in centre, who had e-mailed me saying they could put me in touch with a free and local counselling service...only to find that the bloody drop-in centre's vanished. I think it;s a sign. No, don't get help Tanya. It's not *there* to be had, you're better off dealing withit by yourself. It's not really like it's anything huge. oh ffs, get a grip. Please. stop being so self-pitying and pathetic, and just...gahhh. AND WHY AM I STILL POSTING?! Ok, end of.

You are not the most selfish person in the world. You're not selfish at all. Please don't stop posting; it's fantastic that you feel you can share all this with us. Please, tell us all as much as you can.

Hopefully, the Samaritans won't show on the phone bill and, if it does, it'll just be overlooked. But even if your mum or someone does notice, maybe that could be a good start for talking to them about it?

Sorry to hear about the drop-in centre... that's pretty bad timing of them, to say the least. But, remember, you made the first move with them, and you can do so again. Don't take it as a sign; when you're putting something off you tend to look for anything that might mean that you don't have to do it, y'know? [I don't mean *you* specifically, by the way]. Please don't be dissuaded; you know that getting help is the right thing to do.

I hope this made sense. I'm half asleep. You have my number, sweetheart. I'm always here. :love:.

You know I've done this. And it's a terrible feeling! *holds*

argh. tanya. please keep trying to help yourself.
I can't do anything.. i feel so useless.

but like Kaya said, you're not selfish, you deserve, more than a lot of people I know, to get help.

Please keep posting. I'm so worried about you right now.

Please keep fighting, you can do this.
We can do this together.

I love you.