bpd and making decisions
 

I have a friend with bpd and she really struggles to make decisions.
Is this normal for bpd?
Do other get this? How can I help her combat these feeling?


Thanks

Jenna gets annoyed at me for not being able to make decisions! I don't know if it's a BPD thing though.

I really struggle with making decisions. Just ask Laverlamp :p. I find it incredibly stressful and overwhelming and often become obsession trying to think about every possible consequence of any decision. I think it's quite typical of bpd - I often relate it to the instability of self criteria.

I seriously can't make decisions easily which usually results in me going absolutely nowhere in life, it just leaves me feeling so overwhelmed! Like

''I'm alive and no one is dying whilst I am here in the middle, if I choose this, things change one way or another, if I choose the other. THINGS CHANGE, so I'm going to sit here and say I don't know and cry about not knowing until my brain switches of completely'' :p

Which makes socializing hard or going places or just like every day things. ¬_¬.

Thanks guys that make a lot of sense.

Is there a way I can help my friend?

Cliche as it is, they can only help themselves.

I guess if it was me and my friend and say we were going to the cinema and they asked what I wanted to watch out of two films, * insert panic just thinking about it* honestly, if she says he doesn't mind. Make the decision. Just choose yourself. Lol.

Everyone is different though so I don't know, thats just an example, but yeah if a decision can be made by you then just do it if she says she doesn't mind.

It's really lovely you're trying to find ways to support your friend :)

:plain:

This is a super-good point! I certainly think a lot of J's indecision comes from worrying about choosing something that I won't like.

My friend has this thing called "principal of the cakes", where you imagine there's a piece of carrot cake and a piece of chocolate cake and someone selects the carrot cake, because they think the other person will want the chocolate, even though they want the chocolate cake, and the other person wanted the carrot cake but goes along with it because they think the first person obviously preferred the carrot cake and they don't want to inconvenience the other. Point being, both people lost out because they were too busy trying to please the other, and so whenever my friend says principal of the cakes, I have to honestly state a preference and not try to be polite. Something like that could maybe help people who struggle to make decisions because of fear of it not being what the other person wants. Concerned I've gone on a complete tangent there (and also, who the hell likes carrot cake??), so sorry if that's completely irrelevant =S

Thanks so much for the replies. I appreciate them so much.
It's helped me understand the problem so much more.

I will support my friend in making choices from now on.

Thanks again.

I find it hard to make decisions because I assume that I will make the wrong one either way, so I get stressed out over minor things. When I was younger my father once yelled at me at McDonald's because he got impatient and embarrassed at me holding up the queue for ages.
The reason why I couldn't decide what to eat was that I thought if I went for one option I will find that the other option would have been the better one.

What can be helpful sometimes is to rationalize the impact that decision will have. Like, will it make a real difference to my day if I'd wear a different pair of socks or different underwear? [Things I genuinely struggle to decide.]
I am not sure though how you can help your friend to do that, maybe, if it is something like where to go for food or which movie to watch remind them that it doesn't matter because it's about spending time together and having fun. If someone else is involved in the decision it can feel like the other person will hate me for deciding the wrong thing. Feeling pressured to make the decision can be very stressful too, so being patient and trying not to get overly annoyed is something you can do.

It also depends what kind of decision it is, are there any things your friend would flid over usually? Like typical things that she struggles to decide on?

I don't have BPD but I do really struggle with making decisions. Even down to would I like tea or coffee. It is often worse when I don't have a real preference for either. Sometimes I'm worse if I'm given a choice, like if someone said "I'm making a cup of tea would you like one?" I'm more likely to go yes please or actually can I have a coffee instead. Don't know if this is of use.

I am terrible with decisions, I never realized it was a BPD thing! I'm fine when they only affect me, but rubbish when I have to decide for someone else too. What helps me is not to have allowances made or people trying to help, because then I have to 'man up' and get on with it like a normal person. I realize that is probably just me though!

I am the opposite Hannah, I sometimes ask other people to make decisions for me. I realize though that it won't help me in the long run, but sometimes the anxiety and the stress of it gets too much and I just can't do it.

See, I always feel like I am bad with decisions but having read this thread I now think I don't really have a problem at all :P

I don't think I have any more difficulty making decisions than the average person. I only have difficulties when I'm trying to be conscious of what the other person wants and I just cant read them.

so i dunno if it is a bpd thing. Maybe though, dunno hwo you could help: just thought id throw in my 2 pence.

Thanks for all the replies.
I'll try to be more direct with my friend from now on.

She is going into therapy soon so hopefully that will help.