back into the darkness
 

i'd been feeling pretty good for the past few months, hadnt selfharmed (cut), had occasionally bashed my head but thought to myself 'hey at least it doesnt scar'. then it hit, i could feel depression slowly creeping back, i felt it really physically, felt heavy and just basically ****. i selfharmed after having an argument with my boyfriend. (he doesnt want sex as much as me, he's happy having it once a week. when i try to umm.. get him interested and he just says 'no' it makes me feel so low, so rejected and makes me play the doubt game in my head -'is it me? is it him? whose wrong? me. no him. no me.- which i play so much anyway.) i feel like its happening again, and it pisses me off so much cos id been doing what the psychiatrist, the psychologist, the councillor had been telling me to do, 'keep active, eat right, have structure, go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time, be social' etc etc and it hasnt worked. i feel like im back to ****ing square one, except now i know what happiness felt like it makes this **** harder.

sorry.

dont be sorry!!
Back when i first got married, i played that game alot too...it turns ugly and inward VERY quickly.
I don't know what to say about it tho...i mean if he simply doesnt want to, there no way around it...but have a caht (or even write him a letter, teeling him how IT [NOT him, then its accusing and will backfire] and tell him how you feel...he probably has no idea.

As to the deptression. i beleive you are going to live with it , to a steadly increasing degree. Call your doc back up or psych/couns...tell them you are falling nd you need helo NOW before you fall all the way..MAKE them help you. You deserve tpo be happy again, you really do. Maybe a short course of AD's to help get thru this bit, then you can carry on without them after a time.

Pls dont give up....and dont give up fighting for you...no one else will do it as hard, just you.
Pls let us know how you are managng k?
You can always PM too.
thinking of you
romp

just wanted to say that after "knowing" what happiness feels like, it is very hard feeling like **** again.
i really dont know if that made any sense...but it did to me.
as far as the sex thing goes....i have nothing to offer...im sorry.
thinking of you.
much love.
xx

Perhaps you could speak to your partener and ask ifhehasreasoning. Perhaps mention how it makes you feel.
Your therpist is right about keeping a routine. In the end it will help. Have you spoken to them about your currnt feelings? Perhaps they can help you work through them

Take care
Kim

hey. sorry for not replying for so long. i'm still feeling ****. ever so slightly better than the last month or so, if that makes any difference. i have talked to my boyfriend many times about the sex thing. he says he'll try n spose he does. we are having more sex now but as 'luck' would have it i now have a slightly lower sex drive and (sorry for this candidness people!) can't orgasm as good or for the most part at all. spose thats what anti-psychotics do tya, as well as the weight gain. ****ing fantastic. i know that me n him shouldnt be together anymore. its been a year and a half, my first relationship, i lost my virginity to him etc. and he's my best friend, my other one (yet below him in the pile of friends) has left me n gone to uni. she's only half n hour away but its not the same n it makes me very :(. i am rambling, yes. please excuse me. anyway back to him. when i first fell in love with him i thought 'this must be why we're here, to feel this amazing feeling. this is the point of life'. now theres no magic, well i spose there is, just not as much. maybe i should still be with him. i dont know.

J.
x

we split up. im distraught. x

Lots of hugs!

Awh hun, dont know what to say other than we love you, we're here!

Big huggles and much love
Mary
xxx