I'm just having a horrible time right now
Right now, I'm struggling with everything. The idea of actually leaving my room terrifies me. I wish I could stay here forever. But then if I did stay here forever I'd get tempted by all my weapons. I feel like I think about death every single day, every single hour but I'm too frightened to take that final plunge. I almost wish I weren't so frightened because I just feel like the pain goes on, and on, and on, and on and it didn't used to be like this but somehow everything has become horrible. I want to have a normal life where I can do everything I need to do and not be paralysed by this horrendous gnawing sadness. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I feel like it's sort of halved me as a person. Stopped me from being able to really be. It's made me frightened of myself.
Just recently it's made me lose my home, because my OH SO UNDERSTANDING housemates decided they 'felt their ability to study was being compromised' by my mental health. I thought we were friends. And somehow having that tangible circumstance that I can't control has made the sadness worse - I know it's not in my head, it's real. And I can't stop it. Always I've had this terror of not being loved. Being abandoned. And people say it's all in my head, I'm paranoid. But now... I mean, they wanted me sent away in disgrace. because they hated me. and all college say are 'you know you hurt everyone and pressurised them' and I don't understand. I'm really, really confused and sore and I want everything to go away.
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