RYL Forums - trigg, abuse, suicide, This is an old post, with updates, to encourage new members to post here

This was Originally posted on vets on 12/10/2006 6:27am
Im sorry its long only read it when you can , I had to write this all

Hi everyone I just thought it would be ok to post my history on the vets for the benefit of new members and regulars . Hopefully to encourage the new members to be brave and post themselves , ive moved on a bit since my first post updates are at bottom,

I wanted to share my story in the vets forum, my names Dave, I'm 41 ,

Ive been having a ruff time really ive been so emotional, sometimes its been so overpowering. I'm on ADS for reactive depression and told im suffering symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome. I've been self injuring- Cutting
to try and cope with it, which is scary sometimes to me how much I do. At this moment in time im scared of relationships, terrified of making new friends, my trust has been destroyed by my relationship and my so called best mate he destroyed my trust in friendships. Crushed my self esteem, my confidence, and belief in myself, And experiencing stuff ,being part of the everyday stuff, we take for granted when we are ok.
I'm now divorced about 2 years now, im seing a CMH Nurse, yet the chance to chat to others who may have gone through some of my stuff would be helpful to me too, and may help someone else on here, hopefully you will spot the signs and avoid going through a lot of the issues I or even my ex have been through. yet i still haven’t recovered from my relationship marriage break up, or Bullying.

I was in a wonderfull relationship (thats the way it started) with my now ex wife, for 10 years. we loved each other so much and believed we were soul mates. I felt honoured that my now ex wife could share her difficult past with me , she disclosed that her uncle had abused her between the ages of 6 - 8, telling me of her abuse devastated me it still does today, I was devastated that someone hurt her so much,i promised that i would be there for her to deal with it. I tried so hard to be there for her, i thought i was strong enough to get through it, i never judged her over her past, to be truthful i really couldnt deal with it, cries, I felt so hurt for her, i could feel some of her pain , how can you not when she pulled me into her nightmare past, and into her hell on earth. And how she was treated, i was full of rage and revenge towards her uncle, i still am to this day, she warned me off going after her uncle saying she would deal with it. I respected her decision yet my rage burned deep inside, it still does today how do you deal with anger, wanting revenge, i wanted to protect her.

Unfortunately my now ex wife found it harder to cope and became so destructive to herself she used, self injury, overdoses, binge drinking, she began re living flashbacks, they tore me apart I couldn’t cope with them seeing her torture ,and being unable to do anything. She even started believing I was her abuser and I wasn’t that’s a frightening experience, and her attempting suicide and becoming violent to herself. This was a constant daily, weekly battle of never knowing what she would do to herself or me, I dreaded coming home from work where I had to try and hold up my job, while not knowing what to expect on my return home. Some days she wasn’t home, and id panic, where was she, home or wandering the streets, was she alive, was she dead, would she hurt herself, or hurt me, would we battle her issues for minutes, hours, would she use domestic violence against me again, cries, would I have to call an ambulance,again, or the police, again, to protect her, and to protect me.

And she became emotionally abusive towards me, mentally abusive & physically violent towards me. I attempted suicide myself, more than once, Me as a partner of someone who has experienced abuse she was important yet I had no support , and I couldn’t cope, I did my best, i stayed as strong as i could for her and myself. We both became injured parties, she is getting support,
What she put me through, had and still is having such a devastating affect on my life, i actually feared for my life while I was with her, and i was actually scared to be around her, i never knew from one minute to the next what she was going to do . to protect her and me, I had to walk away from her, I had to divorce her to protect myself, or id be dead, I still cant come to terms with having to leave her yet she kept hurting me, her protective side destroyed me, she treated me as her abuser, I never hurt her.

What she put me through she has affected me so much, hurt me in so many ways, I know she couldn’t help some of the stuff she did to me, yet she nearly destroyed me mentally, emotionally, im so screwed up in so many ways, with relationships, intimacy, trust, I have no self confidence, no self esteem, im haunted by triggers, memories, terrible trauma, the way she treated me, she pushed me to step over the edge so many times, I haven’t grieved the loss yet, I haven’t let go of the good part of her that’s the part of her I got to know. Her abuse of me screwed me up mentally emotionally, it tore me apart from inside, I feared for my life, and became terrified of her. I both still love the good part of her, and hate the bad part of her, im torn between two emotions, I cant forgive her, or her uncle ever.
I have to avoid any *triggers* to do with her, i cant even be close to her because it *triggers* what weve been through or our past, i avoid social activities, i avoid people i cant trust anyone, i fear i will never recover from my trauma . we have been divorced 2 years now i fear i will never fully recover from my trauma.
Sorry to go on more yet- gasp and sighs again,

to cap it all On top of that in a job ive done for 20 years ive been bullied by a so called best mate who ive known for last 4 years, he bullied me on and off / guess i didnt take much notice of the early stuff, untill it became to much my worst time being feb 2006. He betrayed our friendship and any trust we had, he used so much personal stuff of mine and threw it back in my face , which was shared between us as something we would never judge each other over.
I hate his guts for what hes done he doesnt care what hes done, my managers let him bully me again they allowed him to say he(my bully)that he was aggressive and i should put up with his behaviour, he was allowed to call me a lier to my face ont op of all the evidence against him, he expected me to believe that you only get bullied if someone’s chasing you with a crow bar, i reported him to works nurse, and my bosses, they were useless, they even have an anti bullying policy, its just words on paper, Get this if i want to pursue it legally it can take years to see it through, and the bullied person comes out worst, i dont have the strength anymore to stand up against my bully especially because they dont believe me-- my bully is still in his job and hasnt been punished- my health has suffered so i went off sick my only way out is ill health retirement..
I am getting support a comm ment health nurse, yet i also feel being able to share with others who might be going through same experience would help me or if i can help someone else.
Hes affected my self confidence, my self esteem, i cant trust anybody, hes screwed me up as well . I feel as though i will be screwed up for rest of my life- how do you cope with this.
I have to avoid triggers with him now such as my place of work, im terrified im gonna bump into him, I avoid anywhere I think he will be, im paranoid drivin round in case I see him I want to knock his block off or run a mile from him.
I would be grateful if anyone could offer advice or just to chat - are there any guys out there who may be in similar situation to me i cant believe how much ive had to cope with, tips on coping- there are days when i just cant deal with this stuff it can really drag me down .
to make some friends and share with others maybe help others.
Thanks for being patient with my long post.

Current Updates FROM JUNE 2007

I started my relationship in 1993 – till 2003
Married for 5 years from 1998 – 2003/4
I got my divorce in 2003 it took 1 horrible year to divorce her in 2004

My bullying was over 4 years from 2002-2006, I had to leave my job on
May 2007 , on ILL Health Retirement through bullying, although my work don’t accept or acknowledge my bullying, im now receiving my pension “sighs heavily”
I never have to go back to my work, I dred still bumping into my bully he lives locally, I still cant deal with going out sometimes.
I dred bumping into my ex wife she lives locally, so scared of meeting her to.

I joined RYL dec 2006 yey they have helped me get to now,

I m still currently trying to cope with my entrenched trauma, symptoms of PTSD, Anxiety, suicidal thinking , loss of the good part of my ex, loss my marriage, grief, abusive treatment by my ex, domestic violence she did to me, heck, to much stuff , im still here anyways phew.

I had a comm. Ment health nurse, who helped me to start with, now ive complained about her treatment of me
She messed my head up, so im waiting to see a new one june 7th 2007
Im really scared and anxious my hope is mostly on new nurse crosses fingers.
Im still self harming and trying my best to stop, thats a work in progress,

Ryl , and the veterans have been there for me and given me support,
and people who care, and given me hope

Please post and don’t be afraid, I took the step you can too
ME , A WORK STILL IN PROGRESS
Dave