Falling apart but hiding it.
 

I really am. I keep a straight face for Kelly. I take care of Kaleb. I continue doing what I've always done here. I did something tonight that I really regret but I'm not going into it here.

It's hard to hide everything. After I had my public breakdown on FB, I got it together for Kelly.

Fact is, I don't know how to live without Keith. I feel completely worthless, guilty, helpless, and truly hopeless.

I'm having strong urges to find a heavy drug that I've never done before and i won't say what it is. But I just want to take it and fade away forever.

You will say this is selfish but I already know that. People tell me it takes time. I realize that. The simple fact is I can't do this and no one knows. My family thinks I'm being strong. Kelly thinks it also. But I'm not. My thoughts are so very dark.

I don't know what else to say. I just needed to be honest somewhere.

I was in a really bad place last night when I posted. I kind of still feel the same but not so dark.

I want to live but I need Keith to be back in my life.

I'm sorry for my meltdown. It comes in waves. Good days...bad days.

I'm not going to end my life. It would hurt so many people and Keith would blame himself.


Loves.
xxxxx

Hey,

Sorry to hear you're having a difficult time, there's no need to apologise here - this is a safe place to express those things that can be too difficult to express more publicly.

Really glad to hear you're wanting to live... that's always a good starting point; where there is life, there is hope...

I'm sorry I can't do or say anything of much help, but I just wanted to say 'I hear you' - take care of yourself x

Rach you need to tell kelly and your family exactly how it is. They are the ones who can (and should) support you minute by minute. Secrets in a marriage are not healthy.

Thank you both.

Manda...I ended up telling Kelly after I posted it because I looked at her and she had been watching me post...so I said "do you really want to know the truth?" she said yes. so I told her. She's not that verbal. She doesn't know what to say but no one does and that's ok. I understand that.

I'm just taking everything minute by minute right now.

Kaleb was diagnosed today with ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. He's been put on meds. And I hate that for him. But it explains the constant arguing with us and his grandparents.

There is ,however, another problem. He is on ADHD drugs now and they will be in the house. When broken down, and put up your nose...you get high and numb. Adults use ADHD meds all the time to get high. I will never touch his meds. I could never do that to him. But it makes me nervous having them here but I will get over that.

Anyhow..thanks again.

Loves.
xxxxx

Maybe the meds will help and you will get some strength back with that stress relieved. Also when he is acting out you can rationalise it as his illness, rather than take it personslly ie - he hates me, i've raised him wrong etc. Well done for coping so far. For me the fact that the thought is there about the meds, maybe be a good idea to keep them out of the house and only have a few days worth in the house at a time. Kelly needs to be responsible for these meds rach, don't have temptation anywhere near, you don't need that added pressure. I trust you, but who knows what crazy thoughts we think when we have no sleep and can't stay grounded. Love you xx

Thank you.

Kelly is going to buy a lock box so I can't get into it and I appreciate that because the urges are terrible. If you go to the substance abuse forum you will see what terrible thing I did the other night. I was too ashamed to post it here :(

I love you Manda. You're an ocean away but I feel like you're right here.

Loves forever.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Always in your heart hun x

He was on the meds for 3 days and stayed up for 33 hours straight. It was horrid. we stopped them and threw them out.

Everything is absolutely stressful to the max. Kelly has to go to court over child support next week and I have to go with her. Sooo stressful. I do NOT want to be in a court room ever again but I have to for her. Plus there is alot more going on....I'm going to post.