Feel like I'm relapsing after 5 years free..
 

Hey guys.

I haven't been around for a lonngg time, a good 4-5 years or so. I thought I'd beaten my depression and self harm properly, and it would never return. Here I am now - 21 years old and slipping back. I feel so fucking crappy. I'm pretty sure I've become depressed again and it's getting worse. My urges to cut have returned with a vengeance. They aren't as severe as they were 5 years ago, but I'm barely able to push them away... I cut yesterday, which I'm pretty worried about.

Recently, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years (who, incidentally, I met in the adolescent psych ward). It was time to move on for both of us and I was the one that called it. I don't regret it - we're better off without each other for the most part. The problem now is that I no longer have the wingman that I've become accustomed to. I have no friends that I can talk to, and I never go out or anything because of my lack of friends that I want to see. I am under a truckload of stress at home. My maternal grandfather is under trial for paedophilia, and my mother, little sister, great aunt, aunt, and cousins are all pressing charges. I only found out last month that my little sister was molested by him. I'm starting to have body memories returning which make me think that he might have done something to me too. I don't know if I'm being paranoid because of all the people he's abused or if I legitimately have something that's just coming out now. My little sister's been self-harming and I've become the unofficial caretaker of her by default, given my history of overcoming self harm. I feel like such a fraud - coaching her out of cutting while I'm doing it in secret again. At least she has more of a chance to get rid of it than me, because she's only been doing it for a month or two.

I can't tell ANYONE. My parents are already so shell-shocked by what's happening with my grandpa. My mum is a stressed out wreck with her family being ripped apart by this. I trust my housemate, but I don't feel like I can talk to him about any of this as he lives with my family and I don't want to unnecessarily upset him.

I'm also scared of being found out, because I'm currently studying a Diploma of Art Therapy, and if they find out that I'm sick again, I might not be able to continue my studies (the work we do can be very triggering).



TL;DR:
I've been more or less cut-free for 4 years. I'm relapsing and it scares the shit out of me. I'm lonely as HELL and have no one to turn to. I don't know what to do.

I also don't know the use of posting this. Sorry for wasting your time.

You've not wasted my time. I am tired after work but didn't want to leave this without any replies.

Things sound really tough at the moment, and I hear how you feel kind of trapped and really frightened.

What if you're not 'sick', but instead really low and grieving, and also in shock? Totally natural and understandable in the circumstances.

You say your art therapy course can be triggering. But, can you turn that around, and see if you can use it therapeutically for yourself? Yes, it can stir things up, but also, if you maybe do a sequence of pieces representing your emotional journey, your quest [for example] it could be quite healing.
Also, mandalas can be immensely soothing - either creating your own or colouring them in from online printouts or a colouring book. They are symbols of wholeness and integration.

Also, do you not need to have any personal therapy as a requirement of your course? And if not, might it not be something you could consider?

i think that what Stellata said was spot on... if you weren't struggling right now with all this upheaval i would be really surprised...

can you do things that get you away from your family and around other people for a while? having something else to occupy your mind will hopefully releive some of the pressure and give you a break. and getting around other peopel will hopefully help ease the amount you miss your boyfriend too, just because you won't be losing all positive human contact...

Thanks for your thoughtful replies.

Stellata, you're right - one of my course requirements is at least 8 sessions with a counsellor/therapist of my choice. I'll look into booking an appointment this week. Hopefully that will give me an outlet for all the crap that's swimming around my head.

And PassedExpectations, I'll try to find something like that to do. I used to go to life drawing classes which were really good to take my mind off things, I should look into getting back into them.

I do really appreciate your suggestions. I'll start putting them into action, hopefully I'll get in before I properly relapse..