Body hate, suicidal
 

I have today finally seen myself through clear eyes.

I am overweight, and, i am disgusting. I look horrible and sa result i hate myself and feel like i don't deserve to live.

The last time i saw my body so clearly i took action and lost weight.

Now all i want to do is wrap my fairy lights around my neck until i can't breathe anymore. I actually long for that feeling right now, to dive me closer to death.

i just needed to share. I know not many if you know who i am. I cannot say. I'm supposed to be well.

Thanks for reading.

I'm really sorry you are feeling like this. Is there anyone you can talk to? There is no shame in struggling even when ou are in a place where you are well, though right now it does t sound like you are. Why do you feel you are "supposed" to be happy?

Sending some hugs

Ritzi x

Sometimes when we see ourselves we see a distorted perception of ourselves and not our true image. Do you think you are able to hold onto that?

Even when we're well we can have periods of being less well, and there is no shame in having a few bad days again, particularly if you are doing so well; everyone slips from time to time.

If by 'taking action' you mean engaging in an ED again, I think you know it wouldn't be a good idea. It's a slippery, dangerous slope, and it's a slope you've fought hart to get away from. You don't want to go down that path again.

Thank you both Ritzi and Sophia, I really appreciate the responses.

I haven't spoken to anyone about this for a long time, though I have been considering it lately as you're right Sophia, I do need to get help before my behaviours become worse and thoughts more overbearing.

You're right, I don't want to go down that path again, not now, I have too much to lose. (Including weight,.. lol). I have tried and tried and tried healthy diet plans but they last so very little, and then I get very disheartened.

Maybe it's time I went to a weekly dietician. I mean I can't afford it yet but in a few weeks I might be able to. That kind of gives me a bit of hope.

Once again, thank you for your replies, especially as I know you have a lot going on Ritzi and when you don't really know me very well. And thank you very much Sophia for taking the time, too x

Your not alone. Recently I had the same discovery of myself & how big I got. I felt ashamed & disgusted in myself. I've restricted my eating since. I've felt lower then ever. People are always telling me you have such a pretty face I feel like the rest of the sentence they don't say is pity about the rest of your body. Just stop eating crap & go for fruit & veg & exercise. Slowly it will come off. Buy nice clothes or wear ones you have. Clothes & makeup make a huge difference to the way you see yourself & feel & the way others see you. And nobody looks at your body as close & points out flaws like you do yourself. Unless you have a mum like mine who loves to judge & put me down.