Feel So Odd UPDATED
 

And I can't even describe it, not really. not high, and NOT depressed. Cut not right... I think I will die soon and I don't know why and nobody gets it and I've started wearing make-up like some people wear undergarms for the ambulance people and I feel alive but it's a bit crazy I want everything to be perfect get the essay grade back on Fri and I didn't eat or sleep for that essay it better be ****ing good all my thoughts are this long sentence but what does it mean when there's an achey bit behind???????

and whyyyyy would i take up smoking? idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm having a hard time following what you've written but I hope it did help you to write it out. If you've barely begun smoking then now is probably going to be the easiest time to quit. Sounds like you've got a journey ahead of you so I hope you don't give up.

I don't know how to explain. I have radically overhauled myself. Image, behaviour, everything. Needed a change. But I feel like dying. And I am not depressed but I don't know what this feeling is. A toppling. Confusion. I was bored of myself, so I changed it. I betrayed a friend last night, to try to keep her safe. I wish I hadn't but maybe I'm glad I did.

And someone said to me:
You like hurting me.
Because you know I won't hurt back.

And i feel a tiny bit sick, in case it is true.

and time keeps skipping beats.

Hey Hun,

I know this is old but I just wanted to check in... My best friend in all the world said these exact words to me a week back...I just wanted you to know someone gets it

xxxxx

Wow- Slip, Im sorry that your friend said that to you but kind of... pleased that you shared it. It's a horrible thing to hear. What did you think about it?

I'm okay, emotionally, feel pretty okay (emotional but steady, safe). But in my head things are still wrong. I'm scared of things. I know but can't be sure that not all my thoughts are quite right.

& thank you, for checking in!!

& oh god i just want a drink so badly that i can't focus.

I hear ya - but it messes with my new meds more than the old :)
I think...I think if he hadn't been drunk he would never have said it, he probably doesn't remember saying it & would never say it sober. I will never tell him he said it....I will never discuss it with him & it was one of the two things that were said to me that night that made me this ****ing numb.
I deserved it by all accounts, dont get me wrong but when i was the evil **** from hell I completed dissassiocated so have no memory at all unfortunately this is what I remember....so thats where I am.

Huge hug Slip.

My friend said it sober. She meant it. But yes, I deserved it too.

Hallucinating, still. This is really ****ing ****.

I'm sorry darling...if there is anything I can do just PM me xx

Thanks! I am feeling so wrong- I'm well, for sure- but I am feeling watched again and it makes it hard to do anything, it's uneasy making, do you know what I mean? It's horrible... I hate this city.

· I know how irrational I’m being, but that doesn’t help me stop it. & I feel OK, my mood’s OK, but this stuff is really getting to me.


· I have a fear of bumping into people. It makes me not want to go into town, or into the English office, or even just go out sometimes. I don’t go out at certain times, like lunchtime (people more likely to be around campus) or 4 (people more likely to be finishing last class of day).



· Once I’m inside certain places I feel OK: home, the library (4th floor), the gym. But then I don’t want to leave because I feel less safe outside.


· Wherever I am, I have this really horrible feeling of being watched. It’s a really close kind of watched. I sometimes feel as though I’m being watched from inside myself, as though someone is actually inside my thoughts with complete access. It is nearly constant. It makes my thoughts odd.
· This is actually worse at home/ around my home/ campus (but less in the library, or bars, or the uni shop, where I nonetheless fear bumping into anyone).


· I’ve been having massive difficulty concentrating. Every time I manage to read a sentence undistracted, I suddenly think Hey, I thought you said you couldn’t concentrate and then feel guilty, as if I am duping the DDSS, or lying to myself, or don’t deserve extensions or help.


· All these things make me really, really want to drink because it’s the only completely self-absorbed thing I can do and it’s the only thing that seems defiant in the face of being watched. And it blots it all a bit. It’s too easy.
· I feel see through.
It’s horrible.

Hey there. You might find it helpful to stick to one thread, because I don't know about others but I find it really hard to remember what's happened unless it's all in once place, and it get's confusing otherwise. :p

It sounds like you know you're being irrational at the moment. Do you know what's causing it? What's making you feel unsafe?

Drinking really only helps for a bit. Long term it's causing you more problems, just like self harm.

Hey, Im making this my one thread... :)

So tired...

god I feel ****t

I am so low.
Need fake before I see Care Co-ordinator, can't cope with being down.

Been IP again