now what am i supposed to do?
 

i feel so guilty for wanting to move out while my mum was so ill. and then she took a turn for the worse and ended up in hospital.
now, i have no-one. she died.
what am i supposed to do? everyone always said to me that you never know what you have until it's gone and it's so damn true. i feel so selfish for not being a more supportive daughter. all i could think about was sleeping after school and work. i shouldve stayed awake longer. i shouldve stayed alert. but surviving on half an hours sleep for 6 months has nearly killed me too.
i should've taken better care of her, maybe then she'd still be here and i'd have chance to apologise. and now, i have to face the consequences and take care of myself. and im all alone.
i have no money, which means i cant pay the rent or the gas, or electricity, or water. i cant eat, only when im in work. i have to go to school and continue with my studies and pretend like everythings fine when it's not.
it's really not. and there's nothing i can do because i deserve this.

I wish I knew something helpful to say. But all I can think of is I'm SO very sorry about your Mom. Please don't blame yourself. She was ill and I guess it was just a matter of time. I think you did great supporting her and taking care of her.

Again I'm SO sorry to hear this.

Much love.xxxxx

i just miss her. i wish i had a chance to say goodbye to her properly and give her a final hug. she couldnt even be touched or anything because of the pain. my arms feel so empty and alone.
it was my fault. i shouldve stayed home and took better care of her. instead i left for school after the nurse arrived.
i wish i knew what to do. but i don't, and i guess i never did.

First of all I am sorry for your loss, it is never easy to lose someone. It is common to ask ourselves the what if's when someone close to us dies but that won't change anything. It is not your fault your mum died, unfortunately these things happen sometimes. You did your best in the circumstances you were in. Your mum wouldn't want you blaming yourself, she would want you living your life. Is there a close friend or family member who could help you out with your bills? Otherwise what about trying Citzens Advice Bureau or even talking to your school. Do you have a counsellor? As it might help to talk to someone about what has happened. Take care
Kat xxx

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.

I agree with the above - the CAB is a good port of call.

It's quite normal to want to blame yourself... often in death there is no one to blame, and that is a frightening thing, so in a way it becomes easier to blame yourself to have at least something to direct your anger to.

Maybe make yourself a memory box and fill it with pictures and notes and make a scrap book, so you can remind yourself of all the nice things you did together - which will be the important things she would remember.

thanks guys, i'm not sure whether to go to the CAB cos im waiting to get paid on monday...hopefully i can just get through the weekend and then clear everything off on monday.
i do blame myself though. i hated her when she was at her worst because she was stopping me from living my life. but she's my mum, and she'd been very ill since i was 3, so i was used to looking aftrer her, and there'd been a few times in the past where i thought she'd come close to death but she'd always pulled through, which is why i'm finding it even harder, because i thought she'd make it through this one as well but she didn't.
i never really had a good relationship with her. i'd been in and out of foster care while she was in and out of hospital. i don't know. i'm just trying to figure things out.

If you can clear everything by Monday then that's good but at least you know they are an option if you need them. It's natural that your having all these feelings, it will take time to work through them. I am sure your mum knew you still cared about her though.

i just miss her. i would simply just rather die at this stage. i've had enough. i'm so tired, and nothing seems to be working to make myself feel better. i have literally battered my legs, arms and stomach and they won't stop bleeding, but not even cutting makes me feel better anymore.
i'd just rather die

It's understandable that you miss her, but with time it will get easier to manage. Have you thought about talking to a professional? Just so you can at least have a bit of extra support to get you through this hard time. Death is not the answer, your life is worth living.

i am in hospital. i tried to hang myself. things not doing great. will explain more when im better...

I'm sorry to hear things are so bad and that you're in hospital, but I hope you can get the support you need now. Please let them help you in whatever way they can. X

thanks. im trying to let people in and open up and talk but ive kept it all in for so long i just don't know how...
i just want everything to be better again

I'm glad you're in a hospital. I'm sorry that it took trying to hang yourself to get there though.

I know it's hard to talk to people when you've held it in so long. You don't have to rush yourself....baby steps.

*Gentle Squishes*
Much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

baby steps is exactly what the doctor said. i'm a bit better today, low mood has evened out a bit but i have been going from crying to angry to confused and around and around...
still feeling alone but i know im not the only one who's been in this situation. everyone in my town knows and i dunno how things are gonna be when i leave here though

Are you still in hospital? I know it's hard but talk to them and let them help you. You will get through this. Take care
kat xxx