disgusted in myself *adult
 

ever since i was young (12ish) after what they did n kept doing. i believed it was all i was worth a quick fumble but then i found the most amazing guy ever n was with him for 4 years but things ended last year. now in my 20s n I'm a slut i cant stop drinking, some nights i go out just to see how many people i can pull stopping just before i end up round theres for the night. before now ive been so out of it i guess i couldnt stop it going to far. now theres this girl and she keeps ****ing with my head and i want her, but at the same time i cant stand to be around her. everyday i get up just needing a drink fighting the urge not to take a knife to my face. i cant sleep for if i do i feel like I'm back there being stupid for letting them touch me
ive screwed everything up
i cant help but feel its only a matter of time till i relapse

whats wrong with me

:'(

Hi there,

well, you ask what's wrong with you. I think you are an alcoholic. I am and I've had relapses a few time.

I don't know what type of treatment you use to help with not drinking. I was inpatient for 30 days and then I did aftercare for 9 months.

I have relapsed since then and I know it's hard not to beat yourself up about it. But I found the more guilt you pile on yourself, the more likely you will have another relapse. If you went through the 12 steps, continue to practice them, especially step 3 as it tells you to give all control to God.

I hate cliches but "Let Go And Let God".

much love.xxx

you sound just like me

You may have been hurt in the past but that doesn't have to make you who you become. You are worth so much more than a quick fumble as you put it. It sounds like you base your self-worth on this and that drinking makes it easier to deal with because then don't have to deal with it as much. Have you ever received any support around what happened when you were 12 and also for your drinking? If not it is probably worthwhile going to your doctor and explaining that you have a problem with drinking. You can get through this and you are worth so much more than you believe you are. Take care
Kat xxx