My psychotic symptoms and studying.
 

I am struggling with voices, paranoia, Spies and problems with organising my thoughts these days. Somehow I have to study for an important mid-year pharmacology exam that will take place at the beginning of the term in January. I really cannot focus. Also my OCD is interfering too. And I find I am shutting down / going nonverbal more often (I have autism) due to stress.

I need to do well in this exam. I got 50% in the pharmacokinetics test last term, which is a diabolical mark and I am embarrassed to even say the percentage.

I have a tested IQ of 160, I don't feel that my performance is justifying my intelligence.

How do I study with all of this mental illness my brain is putting me through?

I cannot study with any type of music. I use the noise of the dual carriageway near my street to help block out the voices, but it is not entirely effective (my windows are always slightly open). I cannot keep my thoughts focussed, even typing this post is hard. I've been awake for seven hours but I've done more OCD actions than studying.

This morning I nearly had a screaming fit (due to autism I am prone to aggressive / violent outbursts) and I almost smashed something.

I am not on sufficient antipsychotic medication (I need high doses for efficacy) but my psychiatrist is on holiday until the 4th of January.

I am not sure what to do. Suggestions?

I need to save the Earth from destruction!!!! I need allies!!!!!!

Hey Oly. Is there any way you could speak to the CMHT or on-duty people in your area (like crisis team) today and ask for an increase in antipsychotic, just until you see the psych on the 4th?

I'm going to text or call my care coordinator on Monday because I have bad experiences with the Crisis Line (they're not very accommodating with my autism-related problems with communicating).

Sorry.

The voices are telling me to commit suicide. The Spies have altered my brain in my sleep in order to destroy part of my intelligence and hence weaken me and prevent me from saving the world from Dictatorship. I can feel this brain alteration as my thoughts are fragmented and I cannot study. Wtf I have an EXAM in early January how the hell will I pass it I can't even read three pages properly and all the sentences read like nonsense.

The Spies are loitering outside. I wish I had that blowtorch right now I'd go and deal with them!!!!!!

Sorry if I upset anyone.

I took Amisulpride and Olanzapine early and they calmed me down. I had a long (well, 20 minutes, but that's long for me) chat on the phone with my Dad and I'm managing to utilise Logic, no matter how exhausting it is. I have to constantly monitor the Voices, Spies and thoughts, analyse Them, and utilise Logical counter-arguments against what They say.

I have just had a brief nap as the exhaustion (and the sedation) got to me.

I will call my care coordinator on Monday at 09:00. I want to work up to 20mg Olanzapine again as I was stable on that.

What you're going through sounds extremely scary. Remember, though, that there's no logical way the Spies could have altered your brain in your sleep as there would be some sort of physical sign of it afterwards (a scar on your forehead, perhaps). Besides, it's unlikely that one person would single-handedly be able to save the world from Dictatorship - that would take action from many. I know it's incredibly difficult, but try and think through this logically. I'm not trying to say to say that you're 'blatantly wrong' or anything, but it's more likely the result of paranoia than anything else.

Try to write all this down, maybe copying and pasting it if it's easier, and then showing it to your personal tutor? If he knows what you're going through, and that it's affecting your studying, then maybe he might be able to sort something out with the extenuating circumstances board?

Oly, well done for managing to bring things under control again, I know that's really difficult and you did really well. Increasing the meds sounds like a good plan, and I hope it helps.

Thanks. I'm going to order my food shopping online so I don't have to leave the house.

Is it possible to ask to see an alternative psychiatrist asap, or get a psychiatrist to authorise a meds increase, while my current psych is on holiday?

I know at my CMHT that if you need to see a psych urgently there is an on duty psych who can see you? I had this recently and the duty psych increased my quetiapine and that helped me a lot. Maybe ask your care coordinator?

The psych with the HTT/ crisis team can manipulate meds or add a PRN till you get to see your new psych.


Just want to add that I am really sorry that you are struggling so muh and if you need anything please PM me and I will help you any way I can.

Keep fighting oly. It will all be worth it in the end .
Love x

Thanks everyone.

I'm going to call my care coordinator at 09:00 today. I doubt I'll get PRN as I'm on a lot of medication already, but I need more Olanzapine each day.

I'm feeling more Logical now but I don't know how long this will last. The voices keep waking me up. I'm listening to the radio. Can't sleep.

Haven't heard from you for a while so just wondered; how are things now?

Did your CC help at all?

She did. I got my Olanzapine increased to 10mg with a plan to increasing it to 20mg as quickly as possible.

My OCD is very bad as well though. The voices shout and yell at me that things are contaminated and I need to clean them and tbh I believe the voices. This whole house is contaminated. Everything E (someone else who lives here) touches is automatically contaminated and must be cleaned. I've been cleaning almost continuously since 05:30 this morning (it's 09:00 now), except for doing some work on my essay when I managed to for a bit. I am going to have another shower soon.

I have no idea how I'll keep up with Uni work. I am extremely behind on Biochemistry studying because I was hallucinating during most of the lectures, and I had to get a medical letter of exemption from an in-course test that I'm supposed to have on Monday, as I couldn't study for it due to voices, Spies, paranoia and severe OCD.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do?

I'm going to ask for my Sertraline to be increased to 150mg. I'm going to make a thread asking about OCD meds if that's ok.

Of course its ok to make as many threads as you need if they are about seperate things.

I guess the only suggestion I have is just to keep talking to your CC and monitor how you are on the new medication, and if it doesn't help after a certain amount of time, then try something else. But I'm sure you would know to do that anyway.

Have you thought at all about taking some time out from Uni while you are dealing with all these issues? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, and maybe the stress of Uni is making things worse, even without you knowing/realising/feeling stressed outwardly. Not saying that's what you should do, but maybe its something worth considering. Then you could return to Uni in a few months or so hopefully when things have calmed down a bit and are under a bit more control.

Taking time out of Uni sounds like a possibility. I will see how things go tomorrow when I go to my first lecture of the term. I am seeing my OT next week and she's going to try and get my psychiatrist to see me sooner than the 18th of January. My sleep is poor (hence why I'm posting at 03:47) which isn't helping either. However I had a dream before I woke up which made me motivated to study and try hard.

My gp has increased my meds before.and I know exactly how you feel. I will need to resit my second year for the 3rd time due to hospital admissions. I'm thinking I should just give up. But I really want to do it.

Don't give up, I think you should do it.

I'm on 20mg Olanzapine now. Strangely I don't feel more sedated than before.

I managed to do some studying last night but the voices, Spies and OCD got in the way.

I am worried I might have to retake this year. Although there is the option of taking my biochemistry exam in June instead of May, like I did last year. My uni is very accommodating and helpful.

If you want to do it. Do it. You will get there, It took me an extra year on both my art & deisgn course and my photography diploma. Never thought I would do it but did.

Im finding uni really hard at the moment, there is **** loads of work to do but im trying to keeo myself grounded and trying to just get down and do it but things make it hard. Very hard.

I'm sorry to hear things are so hard for you right now. Are you getting enough support? What is hindering you the most?

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I'm struggling with the almost constant drone of the voices, the Spies, the Transmission Device outside my house (it broadcasts my thoughts to the public), my thoughts being coded that the Spies solve (I can't solve the codes ffs), the other students at uni laughing and pointing at me when I walk past, etc. And my OCD is bad. I'm trying hard to study but it's not really working. I'm in my taxi home now from uni and I missed one lecture and part of another one due to the voices and crippling voices/Spies (my support worker took me out of the lecture because I was about to freak out). I haven't been to the gym for six weeks now due to the Spies etc and OCD.

When I get home this afternoon, I am going to try and study. Hopefully my new Neuropharmacology textbook will arrive in the post so I can study that.

Please someone give me advice on how I can study, I am desperate. I need to utilise my intelligence.