Impending Doom, I'm Sorry
 

I hate to do this and I know I shouldn't and I will likely come to regret this enough that I delete this but I need something. I am completely losing it, I don't know how I can go on, if I can go on. I live with my mother who I despise and I don't see my father much but he hates me anyway. I don't have any friends to talk to at all. I lie about how I am on a daily basis and that drains me too. I don't think I can find a friend who I can tell everything and even if I did I wouldn't talk to them because honestly it isn't worth it for me to bother people, I oughtn't contribute to other people's issues because I'm not worth the trouble. I can't get professional help because my dad would know if I tried because he is the insurance holder and I don't want to tell mother I want it. I've tried x times and the most recent was right before I got out of school last year. I've kept my environment free of potential hazards but I don't know why, it confuses me, I don't understand myself when it comes to things like that. I don't have a diagnosis or anything and I doubt I would be given one because it's just my personality. I guess I'm just so alone and in so much pain and don't know what to do so I have certain thoughts that become more over powering, they are always there, but times like this make them blot out other thoughts. I don't know what to ask for, what I need, maybe I shouldn't have posted this. I'm sorry for wasting your time but I just wish I had someone I could talk to at anytime and anywhere who could tell me they know or at least keep me in check so I don't just plummet. I need an anchor, especially this year because some things came up that will make it the hardest yet. I am so sorry.

Hey,
I know how this feels it is exactly what I am going through. I would like and help if you want me too. PM anytime :))
- stay strong

Jack,

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I know only too well how hard it is to pretend to be ok. A counsellor I saw last week when I told her about me acting as though I ok to others said that to do so I must have some part of me that is like that and with time you will get that part of you back properly. I think there is a lot of truth in that. One thing that helps me is to admit that I am not ok. I often don't say why I am not ok usually just responding with "no not really but I don't want to talk about it" or "I'm just having a bad day, I'll be ok though". I find I get a feeling of relief to admit that every thing isn't hunky dory without talking about stuff I'd rather not talk about.

sorry guys

Why are you sorry? x

A lot of reasons, I shouldn't have posted this...

Oh Jack, don't be sorry to have posted that is what this site is for... posting for support when you need.

How are you feeling today?

Not so good, collapsed this morning and after school I bought razorblades....