RYL Forums - I Feel Like Buying A Blade

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I Feel Like Buying A Blade

Lately, I've been thinking about going to the store and buying a blade. I won't say what kind of blade, or how I'll get it, because I imagine that would be considered tip-sharing, but I'm giving it some serious thought. And it's not like I don't have the money to get one, either. I have around fifty or sixty dollars right now, and I can get a blade for as cheap as one dollar. Again, I won't say how or what kind of blade it is, but what I will say is that I really want to go get one---badly. The **** in my life has gotten to be so ****ing unbearable in the past few days, and I need some way to relieve the stress. Cutting is the only thing I know to do that will truly give me release. I know that it's a terrible thing to do to myself and that it's wrong on so many levels, but...I don't know, I guess I don't really care at the moment. I'm so ashamed of what I do, but I still want to do it. I still want to cut. I can't control the urges anymore. Cutting myself now occupies the majority of my thoughts and emotions. I don't want it to be that way, but I can't shake it off. I can't make it leave me alone. I was wondering if any of you could help me out. I really don't want to fall prey to this horrible affliction ever again, but nothing is helping me deal with all the stress. I've tried deep breathing, I've tried meditating, I've tried saying positive affirmations, I've tried praying to my higher powers, but nothing is working. I've tried counting to ten, I've tried writing out my feelings, I've tried to use my energy for a purpose other than harming myself. None of it is helping me and I'm getting very frustrated with my situation. It's eating away at me, piece by piece, and I'm going insane.

I suppose that this all has to do with my sadness from losing my grandma paired with my anger at my parents and their drinking problem. (Actually, drinking problem would be an understatement, but whatever.) I can't even remember the last night I had a good cry about everything that's been going on. I really need and want to, but whenever I try to summon the tears, they never come. Sure, my eyes might water for a couple of seconds, but tears don't fall. Then I end up even more frustrated than I was when I started out because I can't do what I need to do. I finally gave up and confided in my mom about this last night, and she said that I can't make myself cry and that I should wait for the tears to come on their own. However, I feel as though I cannot possibly wait another day. Other than cutting, crying seems to be the only effective means of relief that I have. I don't know what to do. I feel like a terrible person for thinking of hurting myself. Then again, I also feel as though I have no other way out of this horrible feeling. I feel as though my anger is tearing me all to pieces inside. I can't help it, I keep on thinking about how nobody cares for me. I know I'm wrong when I say that, but yet I can't get it out of my head. I would really appriciate it if someone could help me. Thank you.

i can't really reply properly right now. but please hang on and resist as best you can. what else could you do with the money? what positive ways could you spend it? or what could you save up for?

Quote:

Originally Posted by PassedExpectations (Post 3278505)

i can't really reply properly right now. but please hang on and resist as best you can. what else could you do with the money? what positive ways could you spend it? or what could you save up for?

Hey, thank you for replying to my thread. I really needed for someone to do that and I appriciate it. I can't think of anything to do with my money, unfortunatley. Sure as hell can't give it to my parents because they will go off the wall and drink with it. I would give it to my grandma, but she has Alzheimer's disease and can't remember things. I'm afraid if I leave it with her then she will either misplace it or forget it's mine and spend it. Other than those people, I really don't know who to give it to. If my other grandma were still alive then I would give it to her, she protected my money in the past, never misplaced it, never forgot it, never spent it, but she's not here with me anymore...I don't know what kind of things I could spend it on, either. I plan on buying my own folders and notebooks for school, but it won't take fifty or sixty dollars to do that. Other than those options, I don't know. I actually really need to save it because I'll be going to Montana to visit my sister on Spring break next year. However, that's a very long time from now in terms of beating the urges. I thought about letting my sister handle my money because she'll be flying to my state to visit us in July. I thought about letting her take my money back to Montana with her when she leaves and that way it will already be there when I visit in Spring, but I don't know who else might happen to wander in to their house and find my money. Her husband is nice, but I don't know if I can trust him with something like that or not.

Hi. I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult right now.
Hmm. What about giving it to a friend to look after, that you could trust?

Take care.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaiporia (Post 3278865)

Hi. I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult right now.
Hmm. What about giving it to a friend to look after, that you could trust?

Take care.

Hey, thank you for your advice. I really appriciate it. Unfortunatley, there are no friends who I can trust with my money. There kind of aren't any friends at all, as embarassing as that is to admit. I really have nowhere to turn to with my situation. My grandpa actually just came by our house to visit and he insisted that he give me five dollars. I tried to refuse it, I told him to keep it, but he wouldn't hear it. He insisted I have it, and so I took it. Now I have even more money to worry about. Five dollars can buy me around three or four blades. Damn it, not I'm in even deeper. I appriciate my grandpa being so nice. He just doesn't know what my life situation is and what I'm going through and there is no damn way I could ever tell him. He already left now, but I keep thinking about the money in my dresser and the blades, they seem to call to me from the store. I don't know what to do about anything.

Hmm. What about thinking about all the nice things you can buy in Montana? Ie. instead of how many blades you could buy, what you could buy for $5, $10, $65. Maybe if you think of the money in terms objects, it makes it more real.

(ie. I really like Starbucks, so I measure everything in terms of that and think, "Is this worth 3 Starbucks?" to help me focus).

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaiporia (Post 3280310)

Thank you, I really appriciate this advice. Unfortunately, I won't be going to Montana for several months, and I have nothing to do to protect my money until then. My sister will also be visiting me on July 10th, which means we will probably spend some money while she's here for that amount of time, however, I can't spend all my money while she's here because I need to save for my trip to Montana next year. I think I will end up sending her back to Montana with my money because I know she won't let anyone get to it if she has something to say about it. Then, when I go to Montana, my money will already be there and I can spend it on other things.