Anxiety Is Smothering Me
 

I have had several opportunities to go somewhere I haven't been in a while, like the movies, or to meet new people, like at my new school, or to hang out with old friends, like my best friend, and I haven't gone to many of them. :ermm: I was "busy" most of the time. :whistling:

I truly am hurting so badly with this anxiety. And it feels like no one knows ow bad it is but me. Everyone else is either clueless or they think I can just magically overcome it by taking a risk or thinking about something else or just sucking it up. I can't do any of that stuff.

I was on a program during the school year that was basically a medical leave of absence from school when you didn't go to school, but an instructor would come to your house 3 times a week and give you your assignments from school. You'd do them at home, so it was a bit like homeschooling. It was called "homebound". I was allowed to be on it for mental reasons: my depression, severe stress, anxiety, and physical reasons: my concussion and nerve damage to my back. The program/leave was supposed to only be 6 weeks max, but it can be extended through doctor recommendation because your doctor has to 'release' you back to school, so you can't go back to school until the doc says it's okay. Long story short, Mine was extended twice.. My homebound time was set from January to June. 6 MONTHS. Luckily, my mom did some cool official letter thing that demanded my release to be homeschooled for the rest of the year, out of the public school system and off homebound forever. (the instructor was a dimwit and very critical and mean). She made my mental health worse of course, but I got to be out of homebound by May. So I finished up with my mom as my teacher. :satisfied:

The #1 rule of homebound, was that you cannot go anywhere (with the exception of the grocery store, church/synagogue/etc., or clothes shopping, basically anything that a human would need to do but you have to be with your parent or legal guardian at the exception places). No movies, dance classes, soccer games, pool visits, jogs, gym workouts, museum visits, shopping trips, spa visits, restaurants, etc. No anything that is deemed recreational, by their logic, If you are well enough to go to those places, you are well enough to attend school. Logical, but ridiculous right? :crazy:

As my largest hindrances were mental health issues, that made my treatment and therapy nearly non existent. I still went to the doctor and therapist and psychiatrist, but that wasn't enough. I had great anxieties when it came to public places and things like parties or movies and even shopping. Being confined to my home made it 100 x worse. My therapist was outraged that homebound wasn't at all what they said it would be. And my psychiatrist was glad I got out of it and away from my instructor too. :wow:

But with all that said, I had a lot of trouble getting out of my house. Feeling comfortable or at least tolerably uncomfortable to go anywhere. I was scared and anxious. My panic attacks got worse and I felt like I was locked inside a box that I couldn't escape. My therapist told me I NEEDED to get out or I was going to have more issues. So I started riding with my mom on errands but not exiting the vehicle.. then i starting riding and going in with her.. then I even went inside the mall for a bit.. then I sat through an ENTIRE movie at the biggest, most popular theatre in town.

My biggest battle was to go to church again. Even though it had been allowed, I hadn't gone to church since maybe November 2011. I was so greatly ashamed of myself for that. I just knew that I couldn't handle that, and I believe that my God understood that too. (If you aren't religious, it's fine, you'll still get my point ;-) ). But I went with my mom to church this past sunday. I was panicking and trying to calm myself down and not show that my anxieties were taking over my head, but I tried to focus and calm down. We ended up leaving early because of an issue totally unrelated to my anxieties. And even though I had felt defeated because I couldn't say I sat through a whole service, I now feel much, much more triumphant.

One of my last battles is to go to my friends' houses. I haven't, seeing I wasn't allowed to be cause of homebound, for about 5 months. My friend asked me to sleepover this weekend and I don't know if I am ready for that yet for so many reasons. She knows nothing of my depression, anxiety, severe stress, bad thoughts, SH, or anything...I guess you could say, she doesn't KNOW me. I have known her since we were three so I feel as if I have betrayed her by not sharing these things. Th only non-family member who really knows are three other friends. Two of them really understand it. The other just supports me regardless of what I'm struggling with.

The problem I am having, and the reason for this post, is that I don't know if I can ever be me again. Full of joy and excited about new things and the life of the party. I feel so dead when I think about who I was, who my God wanted me to be, who I should have been... I feel like that girl is gone. Daddy's 'superstar,' Mom's 'light and joy'... is gone. I am so anxious and afraid that I don't want a sweet sixteen party. I had been planning one for this month seeing as my birthday has recently passed, but I called it off for lack of preparation, short notice, and my issues. How would anyone accept my party if I haven't gone to theirs and haven't seen them in such a long period of time.

I am still stuck in this box. Granted, it's a bigger ox, but I am still stuck within it's confines. Who would understand how a person so __________ (take your pick, I've heard em all: smart, happy, successful, beautiful, young, normal, lucky, healthy,etc.), could be so anxious and afraid and stressed and be suffering from depression? I don't know if I want out of the box because I don't know if I ever can get out and I cannot bear another disappointment.. Help me somebody.

It sounds like you've made amazing progress.
Yes, things will always be different. Time passes, people change, places change. It's been, what - a year? - of your life, you aren't the same person. But, you can be whoever you want to be, make changes, choices, plan for the future.

Have you heard of a bucket list? It's a list of everything you want to do. Some people do it for the next year, or five years, or even a 'before I die' list. Working your way through it can be a chance to really do all of those things and make the most of life.

Depression/anxiety don't just pick on 'the weakest'; they affect all groups of society.

I want to believe that, but my dad says I'm weak all the time

Thanks for taking the te to read my whole post, I know it's ridiculously long :(

don't listen to him. You went to that church didn't you? And that movie theatre. And that mall. And... well, outside! You battled your fear! Not many can be such courageous warrior. That's alright even the man who moved a mountain started with lifting little rocks ;-) you WILL be you again. As long as you don't give up, that is. The road is gonna be long, don't be surprised when you found yourself still feeling anxious or scared even after a few weeks from today. That's perfectly fine :) I understand the anxiety.. I do get out a lot with friends but in the internet world I often feel scared to post a thread or check back on it in fear someone would say something I don't wanna hear :( but thanks to this bunch of supportive friends I managed to sign up to RYL :D does it means I'm free of fear? Nope. I'm still scared to post. I'm still scared to check back on my threads. But hey ho I managed to actually post something! That's an achievement (they said so) ;-) every small baby step is to be appreciated.

oh I just remembered something. Do you like playing games? make this whole thing a game that never ends. Make a note of your "time records". For example: first visit in church you stayed there for 12 minutes. Write that down. Next visit, you managed to stay there for 13 minutes. Hey you beat your time record! reward yourself for that :) that way you'll feel motivated to keep "playing the game" and you know that you don't need to stay in a public place that long.. you only need to beat your previous time record ;)

You rock.

i know it is hard to keep going out, but you HAVE to do it (i was there once!). you've expanded the box of your comfort zone a bit already through all your work. don't let it shrink again by giving up! keep pushing it bigger and bigger. it is a long process, but it pays off.

you may never be the same person that you were before. but you can be a happy, healthy person again. everyone evolves over time. it would be terrible not to. forge ahead and grow into yourself, into who you want to be.

Thanks... I am still trying. I don't think I can ever be who I want to be.

well... i don't think that anyone is ever exactly who they want to be. everyone has some things that they wish that they could change, no matter how healthy they are.

Yeah, I agree.. I kinda meant that anything that I want to be, like healthy, normal, smart, worth.. I can't achieve that. I'm me.

I happen to think you are a very courageous and strong person.
I also have bad anxiety issues and after quitting high school, locked myself away. I have just now started working on my anxiety and making myself go to places that has crowds of people around (it is overwhelmingly stressful and makes me unbearably anxious so it ends up making me want to crawl back into my safe cocoon and hide). Yesterday I managed to prove to myself I could do it and went to the gym (I could only stay for 30 minutes before I started having a panic attack but I made it that long at least and it was a huge step for me.)

For you to be able to do all those things makes me inspired that maybe I can to. Don't give up now, I know it's hard but you have made so much progress and you are on your way to getting your life back.

I don't really have any advice I just wanted to say how your progress has inspired me and made me realize you can move forward even when it feels like you can't.

I am amazed and surprised that me of all people could positively inspire anyone so thank you for saying that. I know what you mean about staying for a short time then leaving. That is the key to success in my opinion when it comes to the anxiety. My therapist and I talked about this before. She was saying how I could go out to a movie, like during the school day, or some time when there aren't a bagillion people there and I could just stay for say half the movie and then leave. It's all about those little steps. I tried to throw myself out there too and it ended up making things a lot worse. Recently, I have been kind of shriveling back up and hiding away... but things go up and down sometimes. So this is just a down for me, and you too. :-) You will have your up. Heck, you already are on your way, because you went outand stayed as long as you could! You are stronger than you know. :woot: