I want to be with my Dad.
 

I know he's gone and I cant be with him here. I dont know where he is but I'm almost willing to die just to find out.

I've been drinking...I'm sorry. I took an extra metformin because my sigar was rising. I'm going to drink some more because I brow beat Kelly into going to get me a six pack. I've already ahd a half gallon of wine. but i use to drink a gallon by myslfery.

I dont want to die but i have ton seemy dad avgain or at leats hear his voice.
fathers dayh is sunday and i dont know how inthe hell to get rhought it.

Im very scared right now.

i love all younguys and all the support you have given me through the years.

i love you all so much.

loves.'xxxx

Rachel hun, I really hope youre ok and safe xx

Rach this is what the drink does to you, its a depressive, it makes your sugars go haywire (you'll crash later as my diabetic friend tells me) and you need to stay away from it. Its nt fair to have kelly go get it for you, how guilty will she feel for giving in to you? I hope you have a sore head when you sober up, enough to remind you why you don't drink.

This.

Alcohol is full of sugar and sooo not good. Also, you know it messes with your head. But i understand that sometimes... you just can't help yourself.

Rach, you are stronger than you think. You have a lot going on but YOU are still going! It's hard but you're doing it. I love you sweetheart. On fathers day, my grandma goes down to the cemetry and puts flowers on my grandfathers grave. But my mum can't do that, so when she misses her dad, she goes to the beach and puts some flowers in the water to remember him. No matter where you are, you're dad is in your heart. Maybe look at different ways you can remember him. Maybe write him a letter then burn it. It's what I use to do to remember my grandfather. *cuddles*

im so sorry.

i have been in the hospital for 2 days....i saw an accessor today and she didnt thik mental hospital would help. she wants me to continue to try for the ect and it isnt available nearby.

i was airlifted to jackson after the incident. i remember what i did and it is alot of pain. they gave me strong painkillers while in the hospital...lots of stitches and antibiotics. they found bacteria in my blood and urine that they couldnt identify. i was treated for e-coli with iv antibiotics and they had to flush my kidneys alot.

i feel terrible for what i did. this is the closest ive ever come to death and it was scary. i couldnt breathe and was put on an oxygen bag.

im so so sorry.

loves.
xxxxx

What a mess rach! Are kelly and the kids ok? They must have been so scared. What you are doing is good for nobody, it didn't make you feel any better, in fact you probably feel 10x worse as a result. Remind your self of this next time you have urges.

Quoting Mands again cause she's right! Not going to say anything because I'm guessing you feel pretty shitty right now. Maybe this was the bottom you had to hit and time to go forward!

i know...

the kids werent here...

It done, there's no changing it. Time to take up the fight again.

thanks.

prayer has been helping me. I never thought I would say that but it has.

Father's Day is being good to me :) Prayer continues to work!