OK, so I'm fairly sure nobody should ever have to be told this...
 

...unless you genuinely are thinking about doing it perhaps.

Basically, I finally manned up and had the talk with my wife. I did not handle it as well as I could but it was the best I could manage. I seem to be getting good at dropping notes for people to explain stuff so that is what I did. The bit that was not so productive was that I went for a very long walk, which kind of worried her which I guess is understandable given what I wrote.

Anyhoo, the bit that freaked me out some is when we had a talk about it later and she expressed concern that I might kill her in her sleep. To the extent that she had trouble going to sleep sometimes.

Now I want to make one thing clear. I am have not ever in our time together committed any act that mint justify her fearing for her life, or even caused her any physical harm. Since I plunged into this bout of depression, I have generally been much more withdrawn around her. I have a few times thrown some random object in frustration, but never anything approaching the direction of her or our son but that is it. I really don't know what to say to that. I mean, the rest of the discussion was productive but wow. Just, wow. :shocked:

That must have hurt a lot. Could you ask her why she thinks that? If you really havent done anything that could make her think that then it could be ignorance, which could be fixed, and if you have and didnt realise then you can not do it again. Then it can be sorted out, as its not helping you or your wife

No. It was a difficult and emotional discussion throughout and I was just shocked. I just sat there and denied it and did not really know what to say.

Actually, I am omitting one detail. There was also a fairly recent instance of awkward sex where I was having trouble doing anything right and pulled away from her, catching her somehow as I did so (I'm guessing somewhere on the leg or something, judging by what I was doing). This was the only example of physical "violence" towards her that she cited.

I know nobody here really knows me and I could be lying. But for what it is worth, I am not. I am the kind of person who shies away from violence and only comparatively recently started inflicting it on myself, which I have made every effort to hide. I even went through a phase of trying aikido, which I sucked at as I could not bring myself to direct attacks at people with sufficient conviction (amongst other things).

Thank you for being a voice of reason Dash. You are right. I think I am just a little too stuck on "do you really think that about me?" to think clearly about it.

It is not right that I should dredge up her history, even with the anonymity of this forum. I will go so far as to say that I know she had a bad relationship before me and she has told me something that no doubt had a lasting impact. But if it involved threats of physical violence, she has never shared that detail with me.

I will try and pluck up the courage to discuss it but it was hard enough the first time.

No matter how nervous or anxious you are to bring it up again, I believe that you'll feel better if you understand why she feels that way. I wish you luck and I hope it goes well and you can both reach some peace of mind. :)

I know that you are probably right. I think I am just too gutless to bring it up again because I am afraid that it might uncover something that I cannot deal with. I can deal with the prospect of something in her past making her very insecure. But I am not sure how I would handle it if it turns out that this is really what she thinks I am capable of, without anything else outside of our relationship to help explain it. It would be like a realisation that the person I thought knew me best does not know me at all. It is already proving difficult that even with our little talk, I still end up feeling like she is just annoyed at me for being this way (and yes, I realise that might be me misreading it but it still feels that way).

I currently have no friends that I keep in touch with and so have rather a lot riding on our relationship returning to some kind of normality if/when I am stronger and coping better. Otherwise, I will be pretty much alone and lacking in support. At the very least, such a difficult subject might have to wait a while.

It's very likely that its a past experience, coupled with your behavior changing lately. Because that's not a typical thing to think of somebody that hasn't shown any threatening behavior. And accidentally catching someone in frustration isn't violence, and for her to take it that way means there's probably something in her past causing her to think this. Also, she does mean you consciously doing this right? Not sleepwalking or anything? I know many people fear someone who is sleepwalking hurting them in their sleep, so if you've ever done that that could be an explanation and perhaps she's explaining what she means poorly. Another explanation I could think of is if she's seen too much media where someone with mental health issues kills someone, as it's far overhyped in both the fiction and non-fiction media. Especially if she knows you recently started harming yourself; self harm is severely misunderstood and she could be thinking this due to not understanding what self harm actually is.

But I'd think the most likely cause is something that's happened to her before. I know I've been threatened and it has changed how I assess how fearful I should be of someone. I know I have also been with someone who talked of violence a lot, and although he never threatened me directly, I still would not want to ever see him although it's been years, simply because I feel he is "capable" of doing something due to the way he talked about violence in general. So that doesn't sound like it applies to you, but sometimes you can talk about things in ways that make someone fearful without realizing it.

Also I know you say you have thrown things occasionally in frustration... do you get angry a lot? Or do you get angry quickly, or in a way where your behavior/demeanor significantly changes? Because that can be quite scary to people, even if you don't intend to it to be, because people have been brought up with the idea that someone can do drastically different things when they are angry, so if you change your body language or something that may seem insignificant to you but she'd notice, or just in general appear very out of control, that could cause her to think this. I'm just throwing ideas out there, it's hard to tell from an internet post.

I'd think the best thing is to talk to her to find out why she thinks this, and maybe even consider couples counseling as it's not healthy for either of you for her to harbor fear of you.

It could be that she may not understand what you are going through. She may not understand that if you are willing to hurt yourself then you might be willing to hurt others. Are you seeing a counselor? Perhaps if the two of you attended a session together and have a counselor help explain things to her. When i was married and suffered from severe Major Depression, my counselor had me bring my husband in to talk to him about my depression, what signs to look for for possibly worsening and what to do to help me. He thought he knew a to about Depression and was hesitant to go, but said that it was helpful because he did learn things he didn't know. And it was helpful for me to have him knowledgeable on how to help me and what to expect. Just a suggestion.

But I would recommend talking with her. As awkward and uncomfortable as it may be, think of how awkward and uncomfortable it is going to be with the "elephant" in the room by not addressing it.

I've noticed personally to not show anger if you can around those who care about you. As they aren't used to it. I've broken stuff, got into fights (with males of course) and I think peoples reactions kinda change when they see u act like that. Marriage..GL