Tired of Fighting SI.
 

I won't lie, I'm much better now then I was years ago in terms of how often I self injure. Then again, I've gotten much deeper then, say, 4 years ago, so I try to wait until one set of wounds is healed before I do more. Sometimes this could take two or three weeks. I do my best to rely on butterfly bandages and gauze, so I'm aware that if I went to the hospital they'd probably be able to stitch me and make me heal much faster.

That's not the point though. The point is that somedays I get hit with this sudden cold, tight, pulling feeling in my chest (totally unrelated to panic attacks), and I can feel it coming on. That's how I am right now. I got the feeling yesterday, and I've been trying to hold out. Because I want to stop. But if I end up cutting, it's not going to be something I can fix with a bandaid or two and call it good. I know what I'm capable of, and it's scaring me. I'm scaring myself. How ridiculous is that?

I need a plan for the rest of my day that I can follow hour by hour so that I'll make it another day, but I'm honestly so low that I don't even feel like moving to go find a piece of paper and a pen. I don't want to do anything except maybe go curl up and go back to sleep. I'm exhausted from all this effort to stay "clean". I can't take it.

Maybe you could call some one over to make sure you don't?

Thanks for the advice. It seems like such an obvious idea, but I didn't even think about it. I did call a friend over, and I feel a little better now. She just left, so I'm hoping my "high" doesn't wear off.

what are you planning for this evening? maybe it would be easier to start a spreadsheet on excel, or a word document, and do your planning on the computer...

I tried once to plan my days hour by hour, but I always seem to find excuses to deviate from the plan. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm addicted to SI. I even lie to myself if it means I can have the chance to flirt with cutting.

How are you doing today?
I'm glad your friend help. Maybe it's worth having a list of people you can call in future when you need to cut.

Or trying things, like going out walking, or having a cold shower?

I'm doing better today...
I'm thinking about starting the Butterfly Project. Maybe that will help, too? Has anyone tried it?

I did, and it helped quite a bit......but as soon as i washed it off (cause i had to) i cut......i don't think it's for me though, but you might wanna try it.