cant let cutting go
 

Hi everybody,

I just cannot let cutting go. I have thrown my things away but then in a scramble it seems I have to find more means to cut. Cutting for me is punishment, numbness ceasing, and desperation. I want to cut so, so badly, but I do not like having so many scars. It may sound stupid.. like "well if you don't want scars then stop cutting, duh?!"

It's just simply not that easy... I want to wear short sleeves again. I don't want to be ashamed of myself. I don't want to feel numb. I want to live now. And at this moment, cutting... isn't helping that.

It definitely does not sound stupid. A lot of people are going through similar and I have also in the past. The thing that makes it hard to let go of cutting is the fact that it is an addiction. It's okay to not be able to stop all of a sudden. Personally, I think it's better to take it slow instead of trying to rush the recovery process. What makes you feel like you need to be punished? Also, I think it is great that you are wanting to stop.

i also found throwing out my tools triggering. i mean, i certainly don't advise having them in a really prominent location, or carrying them with you, but throwing them out is often too much when you're still having many urges... maybe you could take a list of all the reasons that you don't want to harm, and put them wherever you keep your tools, so that you have to look at the list if you get close to harming...

stopping all at once may not be the route for you. maybe you could work on replacing some of your harming with something else. or you could decide that before you harm, you have to do at least 15 minutes of two different coping skills (for a total of a half hour)...

I feel like I should be punished because I feel like I was a mistake. Like I'm a bad person. I feel like I don't deserve to live which hurts a lot because suicide fogs my mind. But.. the thing is I realized the other day, that I am really scared of life and growing. I need to deal with my issues not move forward at the same time. It's like life doesn't want me anymore.. like it's forgetting me or something, idk.

I really like this suggestion. I don't think this process should be rushed either. I keep trying to rush it and I'm going out of my mind it seems.

often times dealing with one's issues and moving forward are very closely connected to each other....

would you tell someone else what you are telling yourself? (about needing to be punished, being a mistake, etc). try to do your best not to be extremely harsh on your self in ways that you wouldn't be to others. you deserve the same compassion that everyone else does...

My mom had said something to me similar to that a long time ago. I want to. And I try, but it's like because I just can't bring myself to believe it that I can't like act like it. Like I help others with all that I can and I work to make others feel worth and important and loved and cared about and relevant but I just don't feel that way myself. I feel different. And I feel like if I try to tell someone that they will think I am throwing myself a pity party.. and I know I'm not, but the people around me have strong opinions. My brother wouldn't care, my dad would get mad because he's a 'if you want to be happy then do it, don't be lazy about it' kinda guy, and my mom would get sad. I've tried to tell her but it hurts her to know her child feels that way about themselves. I feel so invisible in this toxic environment. And when I wanna speak up the cloud of 'don't say anything because people will think you are weak and simply complaining' hovers over me and rains until I don't wanna say anything anymore.

I can relate. I am really harsh on myself and so much more compassionate toward others. I had sent my counselor an email about how I was feeling this one day and then she asked me to reread the email and respond to as if I was the counselor. So I responded with such compassion and empathy. Then she asked if I could believe my own words to myself...I couldnt. I think it's easier to help others than myself because I have more compassion for others than myself. I have been in the fog of suicide before. I would lay in bed for hours or even when I was driving and think of allthe reasons why the world would be better if I weren't around. That was a horrible battle of my mind. I have since then overcome that fog and when I look at my life I find joy in the things I have to live for. I am a Christian and I'm not here to rub my faith in everyone's face but I believe that we were all created by God and that He has a purpose for our being on earth. I don't think any creation of God is worthless...that includes you. :). I hope someday you can believe that.

I am a Christian too. That makes this struggle so much harder but I wouldn't give up my faith for the entire universe. I hope that someday I will hope that I will be able to believe that. One step at a time... I am trying to want to recover again.

Have you seen the Christian SIers thread, or the bible quotes thread?

You mentioned that your mum would be sad, but would you be able to talk to her anyway? I'm sure she'd want to help.

I haven't! I will try to check them out. Maybe they'll help me understand myself a bit better than I am now. I could talk to her.. I have tried at times but I end up getting frustrated because it makes her sad and she usually doesn't understand. :( My therapist and her and I are all set to have our first mum/daughter session on Monday. I am so scared

I found them helpful; I had a wobble a while back, and one of the regular posters there really helped me through it and back on track.

Good luck on Monday, I know it sounds intense, but it's because they think it will help.

Thanks. I am not ready.

Not ready for what?

For my appointment tomorrow. I am not ready to be 'found out'. Opened up and exposed like a frog in a biology class... it's my trouble and not anyone else's.