Having a little problem here...(long text)
 

Can it really happen, that if something traumatic happens, your mind pushes these memories away, and they may be revealed later...?
Because i think that something bad may have happened to me,something bad when i was a child.
I have a cousin who is about 15 years older than me.I spent pretty much time with him when i was a little.I dont remember pretty much but we used to play computer games and few times we went fishing with him and his wife.
At some point i stopped visiting there, i dont remember why.(Later my mom told me that i stopped visiting there because i told her that :"I was forced to do something terrible" and i dont remember saying anything like that.)


When i was 16, everyone in our family received information that this cousin of mine had sexually abused 8 my other female cousins and perhaps even more.And at the same time my mother asked me if anything like that ever happened to me.
I remember the moment she asked me that, i went completely numb, i started to sweat and i just said "No" i didn't even look at her eyes when i said that because i was so embarrassed and afraid of the question,without even knowing why i was embarrassed and afraid...I just wanted to leave that situation right away.When someone asks me that today i just get angry, i dont know why.

Now i'm 20 years old(male, btw) and during a last week i've been thinking a lot:
All my life i've been depressed and anxious.
I've had sleeping problems too as long as i can remember.I cant sleep if i'm alone.
I have to sleep my back against the wall because i'm so afraid that someone may be behind my back.
I have also lots of different fears,like fear of being attacked by foreigners especially by big malesand fear of darkness,fear of outerspace,fear of losing my mind etc.etc.

Panic attacks begun when i started dating my current girlfriend
These panic attacks usually left me in dissociated state for next couple of days.
I have lots of problems in my relationship.(Sex,Trust,Power and control issues,Difficulty of saying "no",I feel that i'm being bossed)
And everyday i have this strange fear that something inside me,something terrible that may shake my entire life is going to be revealed,but i dont know what it is.

I also have very strange memories about this cousin of mine...
I'm afraid that something has happened.

I think i'm just losing my mind...It's just playing games with me.

I cant write anymore sorry....too tired and my head is wrapped up.
And please dont mind about all spelling and grammar errors...

I dont know anything now.I feel lost.

continues......

yes it's possible. never actually been in your situation but i think i've repressed things too so..
other people will be able to answer better but welcome to ryl. hope you feel welcome
xx

Again, it's never happened to me, but it's definitely possible to repress things. I think it's your body's way of trying to protect you after something traumatic has happened? I recognise some of your feelings and fears though, and I know how upsetting they are.

Sorry I haven't given a helpful reply, but there will be others who have had the same reaction as you to their abuse and will be able to help you more.

Take care and keep posting if it helps
*hugs*
Chrissy
xxx

Hey there hun, first off welcome to RYL.

I've repressed memories of sexual abuse myself, and I know how disconcerting and surreal it all feels when you recover them. It's really not nice, so *massive huggles* for that. But it happens because your mind can't cope with it, so in a way it's a nifty trick to defend ourselves. If you're starting to recover the memories, it's like your brain has decided you're strong enough to cope with it now. And you are strong hun - you've survived this far.

However. It is scary, but it can be worked through. Have you tried talking to a counsellor/therapist? It might be helpful to you to work through the issues you have with someone in real life, but by all means continue posting in here.

Everything you've mentioned up there, the sex, trust, power and control issues; I know how it feels. It's quite common in abuse victims because by it's nature abuse is breaking all those individual/personal boundaries that we set up, which leads on to problems in later life. I'm sure if you chat to people they'll say the same.

(My mind has gone blank at this moment, so I'll stop here.) If you want to chat or rant about anything then feel free to PM/email me; I'm on here quite a lot so you should get a fairly quick reply. Take care of yourself sweetie xxx

Welcome to RYL and yes it can happen and it is really scary could you maybe try talking to a councillor about it...what you have said is common in abuse victims I have had some of those feelings that you are feeling they are really upsetting.

Feel free to PM me anytime...Take Care x

I went through something really similar to what you described, and I understand that it's effing hell to suddenly just remember something you never knew about. This sounds like it's majorly affected your life (how could it not?) so like the others I'd like to urge you to talk to someone. I think it will make this whole process a lot less of a burden for you.

PM me anytime.

I've thought that too. I have some similar issues and yes, it does happen that your mind will repress memories as a defense mechanism. Be careful however. You can actually create false memories if you get too preoccupied with a theory like that. In addition, psychologists and especially hypnotists can create false memories for you as well. Trying to reveal hidden memories is a very delicate path. It's even been known to cause people to branch new personalities. Now that you believe this to be the case, your symptoms for it will be worse, reguardless of whether it occured or not. Best to see a psychologist with these concerns. Good luck.

I think I'm going through the same thing: there's some stuff from my past that I'm sure of, and other things that I think I repressed. Recovering them is scary and confusing, and it makes me feel like I'm loosing my mind. You put into words how I feel better than I could. I'm really sorry you're going through this, because I know it's awful.

Like xxgothic_angelxx said, I think it's a way of our bodies protecting us, because some things are more than we can deal with at the time. I don't think your brain will give you more than you can handle: but I know it's really horrible all the same. I'm sorry it's happening to you.

If you ever want to pm me feel free.

hi sweetie, firstly im sorry ure going through this. its obviously playing on ure mind a hell of alot.

i can relate in a way. theres alot that wld make sence if suspisions were true. i wont go into that tho.

but repressed memories can only be unlocked by a trigger, and that can take years. waiting like this is no good.
I suggest you see a psychologist about this, because even if nothing did happen, just the wondering seems to be tearing u apart.

Also, maybe sit ure mum down and ask her more about what you sed to her abt this when u were younger. I know that sounds scary but would it really be worse than wondering? Its worth the ask.

Take care x

sometimes, yes you can repress memories. Also look into the possiblity that in your child-like state (when you found out) that you were maybe very confused? Add to that you know he did it to others, it could be your mind playing tricks.

either way see a counsellor/psychologist and search ofr answers.