Failure in its element. But I worked my ass off.. !
 

I really need some support. I WANT more than this.

Today went wrong. My head is being so cruel and insisting I cant carry on. I don't want to binge any more. Ever.

I basically binged horrifically today. Emotional binging. I have been eating reasonable amounts for 2 weeks and was 2 weeks binge free yesterday. It was so hard and today has made me fall so far and hard that I have had all my motivation smashed on the floor. And I am struggling to put the pieces together.

I'd really appreciate some encouragement. I am working my arse off right now and I feel I shouldn't be screwing up. Its not fair to put this much effort in and screw up, but I know its my own fault.

Any supportive words would be really useful to me right now. :thumbup:

I can't focus.
But...

remember what you always tell me and everyone... slip ups are PART of recovery.

They're how you learn which techniques work for you and which need working on, and which don't work at all.

They're how we learn and take further steps.

Hold tight, have faith. You will get there. <3

^^^ This

I'm short on words right now hun, but I'm thinking of you and am here to support you anyway I can. xx

Don't beat yourself up over this, we all slip up from time to time. It doesn't mean you have failed though, pick yourself up from this and keep trying. Failure only comes in not trying. Jodie is right we learn from our slip ups. Hold on there hun, you can beat this
Kat xxx

2 weeks is an amazing amount of time you should be really proud! just because you had a slipup doesnt take away how well you have done =)
Slipups are not a sign of failure they are essential, recovery doesnt come without slipups its how you deal with them that counts. Forget about it, or better still learn from it and continue on, nothing has taken away from how well you are doing. You Will Get There =)

Update.

I ate terribly yesterday, or rather, perfectly according to my stinking head. So today I am eating more than I was yesterday, still not going to be enough, but I will keep increasing each day till I reach a maintenance intake and then I plan to not binge for as long as possible, but I will set my sights on 2 weeks.

The only issues I have with accepting there will be slip ups are that in my head it feels like I've allowed them, and thus created a pre-planned downfall.

How do I accept slip ups but not pre-empt them?? Any ideas?

I need to not beat myself when [so badly want to put an 'if' there] they do happen, but if I get too 'comfortable' I get complacent and fall purely because of that..

Does that make any sense?

Thankyou SOOO much for the support and encouraging words, it really has been of help to me. :D

xxx

I know what you mean about the complacency thing - it's simillar with me and OD-ing, in that I get so used to it happening that I almost pre-empt it because I see it as GOING to happen and it no longer bothers me if that makes any sense??

Maybe have a plan in place for if you are triggered? So that (I'm thinking CBT here), if you know the formulation of what happens, you can put obstacles in its way. Like "I want to binge" = "go out for a walk/play with jake/go online/send Lizzie post (because Lizzie loves post in her pigeon hole ;) )" Maybe. That's all I can think of right now.


Meesies will have a think. :) LOVE YOU!!!! xxx

I just wanted to say well done to you for all the work you have put in so far.

You are human. Therefore you are not immune from slipping up and making misktakes. I guess it's how you deal with your slip up that counts rather than concentrating on how/why you slipped up. Put your energy into how you can move forward.

Sorry, bloody headache so cannot think further.

Love and hugs xx

Clueless on words, but major hugs and love coming your way lovely.

I can relate but as said, you are human, you will slip up, it doesn't mean you're failing. It simply means you've slipped up, that's all. It doesn't take away the efforts you made, it doesn't take away how proud we all are of you, it doesn't take away how successful you've been, it's just a slip up that has happened which happens to everyone, but it's how you deal with the slip up and what happens afterwards that counts, and I think you can get back on track and keep going, you've been doing so well, you can carry on doing so well, we all believe in you.

xxx

Thank you you guys, I am glad, despite perfect opportunity to, that I did not binge today. I even had vouchers for food as well.

I feel more glad now because I come on here and realise people are pleased I've done what I have and I can still say, today I worked my butt off and didn't screw up.

I gave the vouchers to my other half, told her I was feeling like I wanted to sabotage myself because I STILL haven't lost the binge weight [head was saying you'll always be fat so don't bother trying, its a pathetic façade to the truth] and so she made me promise to her I wouldn't. I walked away from her, into town and told myself I was going to push forward and leave lunch inside me and not eat more.

I am really not feeling good because I have gained weight, it cant be binge weight still, some of it must be real and that feels like swallowing knives. I have to be back in control. I need to maintain until Christmas. For my sanity I need to maintain before Christmas so I can even consider trying to enjoy it.

I don't think I am going to count how long I am binge free this time. That's the plan right now. I think it'll be counter productive.

I hope I can continue to make you'all proud. Its worth it to feel non guilty reading back the compliments knowing I still deserve them [haven't binged].

Love to you all, if food loving/obsessed me can do this, anyone can! I am sure!

Serious well dones for what you managed today. It's extremely hard to acknowledge triggers and even harder to work through them instead of follow through. You really should be proud of yourself for that.

As for the weight, it may well still be binge weight, especially if you've been restricting for a while. Bearing in mind not being able to go to the loo properly adds weight too.

I think your plan of gradually increasing is a good one and I understand that maintaining may be best for you mentally right now. (Obviously not knowing whether you need to gain weight but making the assumption, sorry if I'm wrong). I also think that not paying too much attention to how long it's been will probably help. Just take it a day at a time and make sure you recognise your strength on every day you abstain from binging. It is a hard habit to beat especially if you're restricting because your body will be craving the nutrients. Could you make out a meal plan and try to ensure you're getting foods from each group in? That can help with the binge urges until you're able to properly improve your diet to a point when you're getting in enough of everything.

Keep strong and keep telling yourself that you CAN do this. Instead of thinking to yourself that you may/will slip up, just focus on the good days and if/when the bad days happen, remind yourself that you've done well for the majority of the time and that you don't have to go back to bad behaviours because of one incident.

You can do this. Believe in yourself. <3

You will hate me for saying this but I know that you are VERY underweight and even if you gained weight from bingeing you are still going to be significantly underweight and the whole point of what you have being doing has been to put some weight on and get a bit healthier. If you have kept it in your head that you don't want to gain at all then I don't understand what your plan is actually for.

I'm not taking away from the fact that you have worked hard not to lose more weight and thats fantastic and deserves recognition.

I'm also not taking away the fact that you don't want to gain weight via bingeing but through healthy, ''proper'' eating and thats understandable and healthy and commendable.

I'm also not taking away the fact I love you xx

My plan is to maintain and not binge for a while, then start to increase the calories and let what is going to inevitably happen, happen. Before I binged on the Saturday I had been eating a bit more calorie wise each day. I want to do this slowly based on not binging, but eating meals.

I am not prepared to pile weight on. I am barely managing to mentally accept the weight I have gained. I can't do this faster. But the binging has to go first, I was eating more and I am gutted I binged and now I don't know how much I have gained from that.

I want it to be less about weight and more about increasing my intake slowly. I have been better at not taking my weighing/weight so seriously- I have to let go a bit to cope with it going up. I thought I was doing good. The ED team said I was, albeit a month ago.

I can't eat to gain weight. I can't do it for that, I'm eating more calories for more freedom with food. Liddy it can't be about weight cos I will freak out and stop. I'm terrified. :'(

I can't eat to gain. If that's all I am doing I cant do it. Panicking.

Hey, don't panic.

If that is your plan then stick to it because I know you will have thought about it carefully beforehand.

Screw weight, put your scales in the cupboard or hide them elsewhere if that will help you.

Try to forget about the bingeing and go back to your old routine and diet ''plan''.

You are not just eating to gain. You are eating so you have enough vitamins and minerals in your body to stop you getting physically sick.

You are eating so you have the strength to carry out day to day activities.

You are eating so you can walk into town and round town without keeling over or feeling faint.

You are eating so you don't develop long term health issues.

You are eating to support your partner so that you can sit together and eat so she is not alone at the table.

You are a million times more than your weight - thats just one aspect of your illness/treatment.

You are eating so you can go out one day for a meal with your partner

Don't panic xx

ps, when I used to binge it was usually due to lack of sugar in my diet. Have you genuinely got enough sugar in your diet? That may be why you're bingeing (craving too?) It may not be but I found that to be my problem.

I have just cooked and eaten dinner. :l

Thankyou for replying Liddy, I was just panicking because I can't stand the thought of me purposely adding weight to myself, putting food in my mouth FOR that as a primary aim. I don't know of anyone who can want to do that. I don't think I ever will. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to gain weight.

I'm trying not to panic and react to this all. I want stability in my eating so I don't go round in circles. Right now I just want to go to sleep. I just want to completely forget all this sh*t in my head.

I've completely reduced the amount I'm exercising, recently I haven't done much at all, but still eaten what I would have. I'm drinking tea again [and thus getting some refined sugar] and that lunch I mentioned... it was a Burger King meal!!! There I admitted it. lol?

I really do want to get better. I just cant do it via weight primarily. Hoping I'll become less reactive and more free with eating nicer foods and occasionally eating out.

Right now I am so tired.. I'm wondering all sorts of things. Should get some meds in me and try and shut down before I decide on bad things.

:/ Tomorrow will hopefully be better..

To add, I think I binged on a lot of strong flavoured foods, salty, cheesey, crisps, pasta and biscuits [but no chocolate this time] so I can't figure, knowing I am getting enough carbs in, more than ever before, what it was that I wanted, apart from the emotional voids filled. I think I was craving salt though. I could add salt to foods cos I cook from scratch, but I don't know if I need to per say. I'll have a look back on my food diary's in the morning and try and think clearly about it.

You can do it girl!

Stick to your plan. It's a plan which you have carefully thought about and produced with the professional help of a dietician. Keep the treats in as they may help you stop bingeing.

Well done for admitting the Burger King! Yay! If you promise not to tell anyone I'll let you into a secret! After a migraine or neuropathic headache I crave carbs and often have McDonalds fries to curb the craving! ; )

There are a million things that make you 'you' if that makes sense? You have a sense of humour, a huge amount of loyalty to your friends and you care about and love your partner and do things for her that many people wouldn't and would walk away from. You're a great friend to me even though I have few friends which makes me sad but quality is better than quantity so I'd rather have three friends with you included than ten without you xx

I read some of thee above, not all of it though but i would say eat to live! eat to get back into life not to gain weight, measure your success in small things like having energy to enjoy things around you or being able to think clearer, feel emotions etc. But do be careful medically, i think if you do slowly increase its a good plan, i think if you do increase constantly even in small bits it should help with the binging, but inevitably the threat of binging will always be there until weight is near a healthy bmi and nutrition is nearer normal, and also when your body realises food is not gonna disappear on it again! I really look forward to that day myself when food is not always on my mind, gawd it would be Amazing!!
Anyway take care, you really strong to be doing this, keep it up =)