RYL Forums - bottling up again/ mentions suicide

I'm currently taking 4 different psych classes this semester. In one of them, my adolescent and adult development class, we watched a movie on how teens are growing up line more these days. In part of the video they talked about a kid who had been cyber bullied and committed suicide. The video went into a little bit of detail about how and why etc. It brought up very intense emotions for me and instead of being smart and leaving the class for a bit I sat there and watched and listened. One girl behind me kept saying stuff like oh my god, he looked so happy. I did turn to her at point and told her that it was easy to fake happiness. The professor let us go without talking about the film (which kinda shocked me a little because of intense it got and the fact she is(was?) a therapist) and I tried to talk to a friend but I just couldn't bring myself to really talk about it. Instead I'm bottling it up again. In some of the other classes we are talking about not being ourselves, hiding the true us and stuff like that. I keep sharing stuff as examples that come from experience. Reading about this stuff reminds me of who I truly am and it's bringing me down. I'm starting to close up again. I try to keep telling myself that October 22 will be a year without cutting but it's helping less and less. I don't want to talk to my therapist because She thinks I'm doing so well and I don't want to be like oh, wait fooled ya... I know it's stupid of me to not tell her whats truly going on but idk....Part of it may be she's still newish, I started seeing her in January and didnt see her from May till September. If I were to see my therapist at home maybe I'd open up a little more.... Idk anymore...for now I'll keep trying to distract myself for as long as I can. I'm not really sure why I'm even posting this.....Maybe it's because I'm starting to feel more alone again. Maybe its because I can rant on here and not see your faces judge me.