It is over
 

At least, temporarily. She said "we should split up and try again in January". She said, "we will fall in love again".

Does that mean we are not in love now?
What does it mean, to have split from somebody you intend to get back with?

I am starting- I think- to get a bit more well. Thinking ahead doesn't make me suicidal. I am starting to plan for myself. The Masters' Programme, etc. I have stopped planning my life around her.
I am unsure we will last now.

Maybe I will never have a real, adult relationship with another person. Those connections seem not to happen for me, tangly wires.

Not low, sad, down, happy. Not numb, not really.

I just feel very............. slate-clear, I feel slate-clear.

Maybe this is all for the best hun.

Oh my god. Now it is really, literally, over.

I am so sorry ((hugs))
But, maybe in time to come you will see things will be ok
Like you said, you have planned your masters and kind of planning your life without her. Accepting things have come to an end is hard, but if in hindsight the relationship wasnt too healthy then maybe it is for the best

Much love xxx

Thanks Grace.xx

That awkward pause on the telephone where nobody says "I love you" but both of you think it.

i'm gonna quit the meds.

i can't feel anything, i mean i am OK but i feel nothing about the break up, total insulation. except once sobbing on a train getting ridiculous looks

i am stupid, i don't deserve to be ok my emotions are as deep as a pisspool and there is nothing wrong with me, so **** taking meds i don't need, i am a waste.

i have totally quit therapy as i have moved permanently HOME, i am in london, i am busy looking after everyone and ignoring myself.

and i am ok like this i just wish i could feel that i had lost her because like all things i come to regret, i know it will come and bite me too hard.

and im so ****ing fat tried to be "good" but why bother? i need to stop eating. i need diet pills.

why deo i always feel a little relieved when a relationship is over? what is wrong with me???????????

Okay, first of all, don't quit meds without doctors advice. YOU ARE NOT A WASTE!

You talk about looking after everyone else, which is kind and thoughtful, but what about you? It is ok to look after yourself. I know that way of feeling fat, but you do not need diet pills. They are dangerous and I think now you need to take care of yourself. I know this is easier said than done. Is there any way you can look for therapy in London? Sorry I am clueless about london, but I don't think you should suffer alone. It's okay to ask for help. I have struggled with that for a long time, but I guess sometimes we just need to admit we need help.
Your planning a masters is positive and a goal to achieve, so I think you should be proud of that. That doesen't mean you will never have a real adult relationship. You are going through a tough time just now but that is not forever. Maybe you just need to take some time for yourself.
Take care and I'm here if you wana chat.X

Thanks for replying.

Weird, you're from Scotland and I have just left edinburgh lol. I don't want therapy in London..... took me enough time to find someone I trusted.

So tired and sleepless.

*hug*

Sorry meant to reply yesterday but my computer is being weird.

I know it takes time to find someone you trust, but is there anyone you can speak to? Even if it takes time again, is it maybe something to think about?
Sorry I'm not much use today, my head is all mushy, but I hope things get better for you.
Take care.x

thanks sketchy. love your username btw.
been ok today. i just cant sustain feeling.