Epic Fail-*could be triggering?*
 

Spent the night in the ER.... end of story.

No happy ending, just a husband that is mad and worried. Almost got put inpatient at the local ward. close call there. yup. I'm a wreck. there are no more words to describe my... failure last night.

Sometimes we slip up but it's not failure.

How are you feeling now?

If you need to talk to/at someone whos willing to just sit and listen my inbox is always open.

Rhi xx

Thanks.
I am feeling...ugh.. maybe better? I am safe at the moment. But I have been very jittery the last couple days since the Emergency Room. I haven't been sleeping well and I've had a lot of very high anxiety. I feel like everyone knows whats under my sleeve. I'm also in a good deal of pain now; from the initial injury... the cleaning process in ER, the stitches, the pressure they had to put on it for so long. I ...er sorry if this is gross... managed to cut an artery so I was bleeding a lot. I waited a while before going to the ER because I thought I could take care of it myself with pressure and time (I'm graduating nursing school in may... do i know pretty well how to deal) but I was just bleeding too much. They put in 12 or so stitches... didn't keep much track while they were doing it, and its under pressure wrap till Saturday night so I can't see them till then. I am starting to bruise pretty bad around the wrapping where I can see...I would imagine under the wrap is pretty bruised also. idk. It was just all very surreal while I was there... now its just so confusing. I feel very lost and ashamed. They threatened to put me inpatient at the ward in town... so that was kind of a reality check. THey let me go on the account that I promised to see my provider for meds and a therapist ASAP... but the funny thing is.. I try to make appointments and theyre all full all the time. It's practically impossible. I have an appointment on monday with a Counseling Intern...its the best I could do. Idk. I am hanging by a thread right now. So, i guess we will see how the rest of the weekend goes.
*curls up*

Take care, here if you need an ear.

*Huge hug*

Thanks for the support guys. I am healing. Slowly but hopefully surely. I am seeing a therapist again, and I have to have constant checkups with the health care office to make sure I am safe. So far, they aren't forcing me onto meds like before, which is nice. They said they want to see how I do with counseling and go from there. I am really trying to work things out and find out the reason this is all happening. The wait is killing me, and I had not knowing. My whole life I have needed someone to give me a diffinitive answer for everything. A reason, black and white answers.. and here I stand in a huge grey lake of questions.... Its frustrating and I can't make sense of myself. One good thing has come ofthis whole process at least.. I am constantly reaping the consequences of my trip to the ER, which gives me a reason to hold off for now.

Maybe there is hope after all, maybe I can pull myself out. I am tryig to get involved in community outreach and support different causes that havebeen influences to my issues. There is a group in America, based out of Florida I think, that has a great message and a great cause. They are making a movement for helping people suffering from depression, addiction, self injury, and all sorts of other stuff. TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms) has been a great inspiration. I think I might have found something to help me drag myself from the mudd. We'll see.


Thank you all for your support again. And I am wishing you well until I hear from you again.

*all my love*