cold and hostile
 

so for the last couple of weeks i have been feeling quite low.. i've come off venlafaxine... it was working great but it was causing me to have liver issues, which was confirmed after i aked to have my liver functions tested as i was bruising like an old lady... my periods went all weird... and the liver function blood test revealed that one function wasn't working properly... nothing serious... but still, i'm 20 and shouldn't be having that kind of issue at my age..
for the last week i have felt really lonely, i don't have many friends... well.. i don't really have friends... i had one close friend but she went off to sweden... i have my bf... i live with him and his parents... but last night he said that i have been looking at him like a piece of sh*t and it's really getting to him... i'm not intentionally doing this... and today my grandmother was annoying me on the phone..as she keeps complaining that she can't hear me.. and so i snapped because every time i call thats all it's ever about... about 10 mins after the phone call ended, she phoned me back and said how i have been hostile and rude to my grandfather and if it's not him, i am like it towards her....
I don't know what is going on... i mean... i don't MEAN to be like this... i'm not normally like this... but i'm thinking about how lonely i feel, i feel like a failiure as i haven't been able to get a job in the 2 years i've been looking, i feel like i've been wearing sun glasses for the last 2 weeks, i don't trust anyone to talk to about this either... my cpn has been double checking i still want to be discharged from the cmht in oct when i see my psych next...and i keep saying yes....i think i'm ready..well i thought i was... but then i came off the venlafaxine...and things haven't seemed great since.

i am really really trying to stay stable, i've been going to the gym every day, i've been doing weight watchers and eating healthily... i went for an interview for an apprenticeship yesterday, i have been trying not to self harm.... but i still feel really cruddy... i am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with bi polar traights.. and all i could think about when in town earlier was to go and jump off of the multi-story carpark... obviously i didn't as i am here typing... :indifferent:

what's going on =/

it sounds like you're unsure about leaving the support services... i think that leaving them right now isn't the best idea. coming off medication and readjusting to life without it, or with different meds, can be a difficult time for anyone, and having support is important.

i don't really have any ideas about what could help with the interpersonal stuff... have you brought it up with your cpn or doctors? perhaps they have encountered this before, either from this medication, or from other situations

I find when i'm really depressed I get incredibily irritable with others, especially with my family. I just can't hide my annoyance, and it's definitely worse than normal! Not much advice, maybe take lots of deep breaths when someone is irritating you and remember it's part of your illness, and make an effort to be nicer?

Hugs x

yer, i used to be very hostile when i was in secondary school.... i think it was smething to do with my anxiety and paranoia. i have noticed i am getting my scial anxiety back...and i haven't had issues with it for about 2/3 years and the last 3/4 weeks i've not been able to go to friends parties, i haven't felt comfortable eating around people...and feeling home sick is starting to come up again... i don't know what has set off my social anxiety... i was only on venla fr 7/8 months...

i haven't told my cpn, no... maybe i'll email her... i did see her on thursday but i couldn't bring myself to talk about it... i mean she wouldn't be able to do anything anyway...i'm being discharged because there's nothing anyone can do for me as i said no to doing an intensive therapy thing... meant sitting on a train for an hour to go somewhere 3 times a week and have intensive therapy with other people with bpd.. i just felt i was progessing... but now i feel i'm getting unwell again =/

I can understand why you have come off the venlafaxine, but have they suggested or started you on an alternative medication? As surely you were on the venlalic as you needed it - especially given that they were advising an intensive therapy course for you.

Given that you said the Venlafaxine was working for you, it sounds like what you are experiencing now is your symptoms coming back - Including being irritable with people. I know I get like this when my moods are bad.

I think it would be wise to speak to your Psych/CPN about your medication and your well-being without it. I would also ask them to review what they can do to help you.

I wonder if there is any therapy closer to you, or if you could arrange for someone to travel with you on the train to the therapy sessions? I really do not think they should be discharging you.

Be gentle with yourself.

Roiben x