struggling with telling
 

i spoke to therapist yesterday about some things that happened
about my godfather
i told her that i remembered about him sexually doing things to me when i was younger
i told her i hated him and i am glad he died
i told her i felt like a liar and that to much has happened that it couldnt all be true
i told her i was angry at my teachers from infants for not noticing the signs
but in truth im angry at me
i hate me for not being strong enough to tell someone what happened
for believeing them when they said id be taken away to a place for bad children if i told
im so angry
so so angry and therapist says she is scared that i will get myself into trouble cos im angry
im sorry
so so sorry for this self indulgent post
i know im selfish
sorry

It's good that you spoke to your therapist Jo. And even though you're mad at yourself it doesnt mean that you are bad, it just means that you're upset at what happened. You shouldn't be sorry for posting this when this forum is here for us to do just that to help us talk about this stuff.
*offers safe hugs*
Stay safe.

curls up
all day feeling him
remembering what he did
remember the pain
remember the different acts
remember my innocence going
his special friend
curls up

You were a kid, Jo. A kid being hurt by lots of people. You didnt know any better than to believe youd be taken away. Proud of you for talking. And he wasnt your friend hun. *safe snuggle* low on words hang in there Jo <3

i know
i can feel his hands
all over my body
i cant make them go
feel and smell his beery breath kissing me
telling me im going to be a good little jojo
saying we going to play a special game that needs to be our secret as people will be jealous
saying he will get out his special toys
him walking drunkenly around the room
swaying on his way to the bed
him leaning over me

very very wrong of him
it wasnt a game hun
he said what he needed to to get you to be quiet about it
im so sorry he did those things

I'm so sorry you were put through that Jo, it was so very wrong of him to hurt you like that.

You were so brave to tell your therapist. It's very scary to think about telling someone when the abuse is going on so it's understandable that you didn't, lots of people don't. You were brave to tell your therapist. It's not bad of you to believe him when he told you you'd be taken away if you told. Abusers will scare their victims into not telling so that the abuse can carry on. Children will believe what adults tell them, it's not your fault that he abused your trust, it's his fault, he is to blame.

How are you feeling today?

struggling alot
feel him a lot
it hurts
feel sick
want to phone therapist but when i just rang i got through straight to her and just hung up
curls up
im so sorry
it real hurts
i feel him
feel him so so much

managed to leave a message for therapist
exhausted from flashbacks
just need some support
sorry to ask

You should never apologise, we are all here for you x

cant make him go away
memories making me question everything about myself
dont feel i know who i am

At the end of the day its very easy to give in and let someone else dictate how you live your life. I think we all have it in us somewhere to fight back. I know how you feel in some respects, so i understand your struggle and how hard it is to fight.

Dont let him win, you will get there x

trying really hard
sorry
i hate him
iom glad he dead
but he stiill helping to ruin my life

i got a message back from therapist (mainly cos i didnt answer phone to her as didnt feel up to talking) and i replied and left another message (again cos i cant deal with chatting really)
feeling useless
back to harming to feel things that arent him
i know its bad but it gives me control
is this stupid?
probably yes
but well thats me stupid and thick

Youre not being stupid. Youre trying to cope. Nothing else seems to be working atm so that is youre way of dealing with things. Its ok if you dont wanna chat. Youre brave for telling. Its good youre mad at him and angry. Thats where the anger should be. Directed towards him. His fault. Ok to be glad he is dead as well. Trying is good and im glad you are caue trying means you havent given up. Keep on going Jo. You can do this. We are here for you <3

she never phoned back and tried calling about 5 times at the times she told me she'd be avaliable
feel alone
i keep going back to it all even when im trying to do other things
im ashamed but my body is physically responding to what i can feel and i know im filthy
im sorry

youre not filthy hun

You're not stupid, thick or filthy Jo, you're none of those things.

Your body will react to a stimulant, it doesn't matter what that stimulant is. If I held a pepper pot by your nose and you sneezed it'd just be a reaction to a stimulant, in that case a sneeze in reaction to the pepper.

Sexually, people can do things to us, that are unwanted but our bodies will still react. This is because a reaction is in no way indicative of us wanting to engage in sexual behaviour, nor is it consent to that behaviour. It is simply a reaction, it doesn't mean anything more than that, it doesn't mean you wanted that action, or enjoyed it, just that you responded to a stimulant.

Sometime our bodies will react in order to make things easier on ourselves

i kinda know that but its a fa;ashback and im still reacting
its not even a real touch but it feels so real my body is well yeah
sorry i struggle with words
sorry

It might not be real touch at the moment but it was real touch at some point. I think sometimes that linear time in the way we usually measure time doesn't always apply to your mind.

It's okay to struggle with words, I do too sometimes, you don't have to say sorry for anything Jo.