Reactions - Discusse
 

So I have been wondering recently. We all have differnt expectations from people, which is why we experince things differntly.
However, I know a lot of us dread telling people, espcially family about our SI. That got me wondering to what I would say if someone told me that they where a self injurer. What would be the right reaction?

That being said, what would you say would be the ideal reaction from someone?
And would you expect a differnt reaction from a person who had had previous experince in SI.

What reactions have people recieved that have been postive?

The ideal reaction, for me anyway, would be having them say "that's ok" followed by a hug.

As for positive reactions in general, i'll have to come back to this when i've got more time.

The only bad reactions I've had,have been off people I don't know,or who I'm not friends with, so really, I don't care what they think. My mum went a tiiiiiiiiny bit mental at me,that wasn't nice,my dad's never,EVER spoken to me about it.

The majority of people have gone "Oh Ash,you're so lovely, why did you do that to yourself?" or "You don't do it anymore do you? Good. I love you. I'm glad you're better" mixed in with a bit of "Why did you not tell me before?"

So yeah,generally,I've not had any "bad" reactions.

Suppose what people have said before, i made a big deal out of telling soemone so when i did, all they said was "Is that all?"

So it wasnt that bad.

For me, the best reaction would be 'so?'. It would be nice that they didn't use that to define me. That I was still me.

My best reaction was when I told my tutor last year, and she said something like that "And you were worryed I'd think less of you for that?"
I agree that something like "so?" would be the best reaction for me, something that means people still view me as a person and not a self harmer.
My parents went insane when they found out, but now they ignore it. I hate reactions like "Why? Why would you ever want to do that to yourself?" I know people can't understand, but they make me feel so stupid.

I havent told my parents- probably never will! But the best reaction was from my best friend who just said 'Thats ok, come here' and gave me a big hug. Another friend just said 'Oh miriam...you dont need to do that!' gave me a hug.. both of them then just made time to sit and talk about it.

The best reaction for me, was my best friends- it wasnt an issue, she didnt understand and we had to talk about it a lot, but she still loves me exactly the same! People just need to be calm and let you know that theyre not angry I think.
Miriam xxx

I don't think I'll ever tell my parents, either. I am an adult. Yes, they know about my depression and anxiety, but they don't need to know that I used to self harm. There wasn't ever anything to be seen or explained away - apart from the anorexic stuff, which they sort of know about, but was unspoken..
Anyway...
I have an excellent therapist who is supportive, empathic and compassionate.
My flatmates were great. They saw a big bruise on my arm which was of course self inflicted, and they asked who'd hit me. I said I had. I explained how I'd been really angry and it was the only way I could cope at the time. We had a very positive discussion about different ways people handle anger.
My friend - who's older than me - asked I phone her each time I felt I wanted to hurt myself, rather than hurt myself. That was asking too much..

Bad reactions are "im so dissapointed" .. "i didnt think thats the sort of thing YOU would do.." "well why dont you just stop" ... "omg i cant see why anyone would want to do that!" and i dont like the guilt trips either.

I would like someone to say to me "im here to help you for whenever.. i hope you feel you can talk to me cos i care about you" ... id like someone to say that to me x

I had the best reaction from my best friend. She stared at me for a few seconds looking a bit stunned and then just threw her arms around me. Heh, I was a bit embaressed and told her I was OK and didn't need a hug. She said she needed one. It felt as if we'd both reached an understanding and didn't really need to say anything else.

My parents were okay. They said I was going to get help and I could talk about it if I wanted to.
One of my friends said 'omg, me too' and then just hugged me for ages.
None of the reactions were as bad as I expected..

best reactions i've had are someone go 'oh lizzie' then throw her arms around me. the other was someone said 'why? you are such an amazing, clever, careing person, you dont need to do this to yourself'

worst reactions when people found out (i didn ttell them) wre 'can we not talk abotu this? it makes me uncomfertable' and 'you just attention seeking, arnt you?' and also someoen completely ignoreing it and tellign em to just go for a walk. >.<.

my idea reaction would be a hug, and then someone makeing me tell them (in a nice way, not a forceful one) everything, and understandign not judgeing, and me beign able to tell them. also them not giveing up on me or ignoreign it a few months later.

best reaction from parents would be none at all, i never want them to know

The best reaction I had (this was from someone who had been through it and was able to help me) was her just asking questions to try and understand my situation and then gave me some good advice. Another good reaction I guess was a friend of mine suggesting that I talk to a friend of his.

The worst reaction I had was, I was on MSN and had admitted something on another board I post on. There's someone I know on that board and we talk on MSN. (he introduced me to that board) He comfronted me. He jumped to some really odd conclusion that I was going to do some serious damage to myself. (I'm not going to repeat what he said) This lead to me explaining alot of things to him and the him telling me some things. I'm sure he still doesn't understand what exactly is going on. The odd thing is that, the day after he found out, he was acting as though nothing had happened, apart from asking me if I was alright. (which I'm sure he never does)

hmm seems like a kind of mix of people just wanting understanding. I can relate to that.

I can also relateto the comment of "so?" However, i have a feeling my neice might by harming. If she worked up the courage to tell me, im not sure how she would take it if i just turnd around and said so. Kinda like belittling her problems so to speak.

But defo some useful answers in here.

I think the reaction i gave would depend on the person, 'so' is a good reaction but i'd say a bit more like 'that doesn't choange who you are to me' if it had been a really big thing for them to tell me. I would probably hug as well but it would depend on the person and whether they might feel i was smothering them.

The worst reactions i have is when people tell me "you don't need to do that " or "what do you want to do that for" etc etc in the same vein because they make me feel bad about myself.

well. my parents found out about it when i was around 13 or 14. i was writing a letter to my girlfriend at the time as i was out of town visiting my father,,,i had a number of issues going on, and my family was concerned. my step-mother took the letter from the mail box before the post man came...and they read it. i was very open with the girl i was seeing, and talked about my SI.,,,my parents made me strip down to show them my body, it was..i guess the epitome of what i felt could be the worst reaction possible. they screamed at me while i was standing there naked.

on the flip side... since i've started SI again i hadn't told anyone about it. one of my very close friends (who used to SI himself) was helping me calm down a few weeks back when i went a bit over the edge, and i confessed that i started back up. he gave me a hug and i told him that i don't want to kill myself, i just needed the SI for now. he smiled and said that's all he needed to know.

^^^ oo hun. That must ahve been terrible. Im so sorry. *big hugs* x

i told one of my best friends a long time ago when we weren't so close.. he said "i didn't know you did that".. well that was kinda why i was telling him!He was quite visibly shocked but tried really hard not to show it. bless. I think he just didn't know what he was supposed to say/do. Like lots of people i guess.
another good friend was just like "aww babe" hugged me tight and asked if anything she/my close friends did triggered me.
i think the worst I've had was "what the hell is that?" (when someone saw), loudly, in front of a whole classroom full of people that turned to look.
if someone told me i think i'd probably just say "ok" or something suitably calm.

I like reactions like "So?" and "Well, you are still the one I have known before." or just a hug.

The worst reaction I got are the shocked and sad looks that is the most common reaction as far as I have experienced.
These looks make me so sad and give me a bad conscience.
What I still do not like is something like "You shouldn´t do it." or "You can call me any time when you are down." because it puts me under pressure.

What I don´t like is that a friend of mine who SIed herself a few times, too, wants me to stop wearing armwarmers "because they tempt me to hurt myself again because nobody would see it then".
I know that she wants to help me but I feel so bad without my armwarmers or long sleeves. It almost feels like being naked for me and there are only a few person I have shown my scars freewillingly (but only on special occasions).

@ destroy-!!!-infinity: I am so shocked to read what your parents did. It is so humilliating what they did and by doing this they must have destroyed all your trusts in them.

The actualy reactiosn Ihave had
OTT from my mum all oh i need to help
Complete denial from my dad
And Ignorance or oh you **** from my friends.

Infact I have one friend who routinely tries to guilt trip me out of doing it nd therefore making it worse.

I think my bf had the best response.

"im glad you told me, *big hugs* Can you explain a bit to me so i know how to help?"
And i would say that is the best response, to feel honoured that thye trust you enought to tell you, a hug and then if you dont know ask how you can help.

But reactiosn like So? or the ultimate frm my mate marc, You ****, anyway...
THey were the best, showing that people dont care.