When you're no longer harming but you're still hurting
 

Do you all love the emo title? One of my best i feel.

I've put off posting here again as i always end up with this incredible amount of guilt and then i delete it and blah blah blah but yesterday in therapy i got told i need to talk more and get more support so i guess this is one step towards this.

I've had a little bit of a breakdown i guess. I've not managed work since Monday (although they think i have a throat thing, which i do but thats not why im off) and well i've just had a meltdown and stuff.

In the past few days i've sat during the day with the curtains closed because i thought there were people outside and that was the only way they'd be quiet and i've also barracaded myself in my bedroom because i can no longer fit under my bed and i was scared.

I'm not hurting myself though at all and i guess thats why i'm having such an odd feeling about this all.

Yesterday in therapy she was saying how she was worried and thinks we need to intervene now to stop things getting too bad and i kept saying but im not hurting myself. I guess ive always judged my own distress on my level of hurting myself and now im not so i cant see how things are that bad. Anyway she wants me to go to the doctors (new surgery eeps) in the next couple of weeks.

I think i'm just trying to avoid reality which is helped along nicely by all the random hallucinations etc, i just dont know what is real and what isnt right now.

Avoidance doesnt help at all since i've got **** loads to do. Renew my car insurance (well find a better quote since they've tripled it this year), buy my dads birthday present (no idea what im getting him and its tomorrow and i dont want to leave the house), make my dads birthday cake (again need to shop for it and i cant leave the house), cancel the house insurance (which if i dont do we'll end up doubling up as we alreayd have landlords insurance), go to god damn work and sort stuff out (which ive avoided for months and months which is why im in such a mess about it all) and just stuff like wash, brush my teeth/hair, eat proper meals etc too. Just generally look after myself.

I'm also havign some really bad issues with this pregnancy right now, which is a big pile of **** because i just want to enjoy my pregnancy, it only lasts 9 months and i dont want regrets but then i just have something inside of me that keeps on and on and its making it hard to enjoy it. I'm playing the part in public but i just can't get my head around it all. I'm having flashbacks with certain normal internal pains right now and i just think how the hell will i cope with the birth?

Overwhelmed is definitely the word.

I dont know what i want from this, i guess just posting here is one step closer to not isolating myself as much as i have been.

Got Dad's present and made the cake.

So maybe i'm ok. I managed albeit a big struggle to. I still did it. Maybe i'm just making it up.

My uncle died this morning. My aunty is in hospital as the chemo has damaged her heart.

It's funny how things come at once.

It's ok though. These things happen.

Sam...I am so so sorry x

Sam, this sounds like a really rough time for you right now. Please take care of yourself and do anything you can in order to get through. I'm thinking of you xx

this is a lot all at once. you should definitely go to the doctors. certainly it's good that you are not harming, but it's not good that you are hiding away and hallucinating.
and i'm so so sorry for your loss and about your aunt... but don't forget you have to keep looking after you. that is more important than birthday presents, or work, or even tragic family events and grief. you have to keep going and if that means making going to the doctor's a priority then so be it.

lots of hugs - this is a tough tough time - sorry xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

thank you all very much.

i will make an appointment for doctors but i need to find out when the funeral is first to see if i can make it and dont double book etc.

i've managed to do most of the things on my list. so yeah maybe i'm ok.

Hi Sam,
Glad to hear you re gradually getting things done. Sometimes you just have to tackle on thing at a time.
Get yourself to the GP so that you can be properly signed off work and then you won;t have to worry so much about that fo a but. Sometimes taking time off work will give you space to sort out other stuff that's going on.
(Note to self, must take own advice!)
Hope you are able to make the funeral. How is your Aunt doing? Hope she didn't stay in hospital too long.
Take care and look after yourself.
Liz

I'm sorry that I don't have a proper reply right now.

but i'm thinking of you.
*gentle squishes*
loves.
xxxxx

How are you Sam? Did you go to the doctors hun?
Thinking of you xx

thank you.

i didnt manage to go to doctors yet, we only found out when the funeral is today (monday) and i see my midwife tuesday so im going to see her first and see what she says about it all.

my aunty is out of hospital but has been taken off the chemo until they find out whats wrong with her heart. plus they need her to put weight on.

im so stressed right now. today i got really bad chest/shoulder pains and it scared me a little but theres not a lot i can do about it.

This is becoming too familiar. Go to bed sleep until between 2-3 wake up having dreamt of work/being in psych hospital/ dying lie awake until around 6 or fall alseep intermittently until my alarm goes off at 6.45 get up spend day exhausted. Repeat. I'm managing 4 hours which baby does not think is enough. I guess the fact it's 4 hours of nughtmres doesn't help.

This trying to live **** is hard.

I'm so tired.

I managed a few hours out this morning and now i'm back home again. Just trying to keep busy i dont have to think too much.

I have the funeral on Monday. I've decided i'm going as it would be disrespectful not to. Back to work straight after though as i'm too busy not to plus i have therapy late afternoon.

I really need some sort of holiday. We havent been away since last summer and even then it was camping and i ended up in hospital right afterwards. My last relaxing break was a year gone May. I know lots of people are in similar situations to me but i know once the baby is born we wont have the time or money to go away so its really our last chance. Problem is we dont really have any money now either. Not enough to get a decent break away anyway and i cant camp anymore as bump is too cumbersome.

Im just moaning arent i?

I really need to pick myself up out of this mood.

I don't think that you're moaning. It sounds as though things are difficult for you right now and there is the added pressure of being pregnant and your uncle's funeral. It's no wonder that you're feeling the need for a break or something. Do you have any family elsewhere in the country that you could go and stay with for a bit. Even a weekend break, if you haven't much money, in the Lake District or Wales or something would be good. It might not be a long time but it might give you a couple of days to refuel.

It's good that you have therapy late Monday afternoon. That's definitely something to focus upon and I hope that you can be honest with your therapist. S/he might have some more practical ideas that could help you out right now.

Try not to push yourself too hard. Life is difficult, that's the thing. Everyone struggles with it so don't put yourself down for doing just that.

Take care.

We are looking into going away. Hopefully we can afford something nice enough.

I feel wrecked. I font know what's wrong with me. I was ok and now I'm just wrecked. I can't even say how I feel.

No, you arent moaning, Sam.
It is too much all at once, with no break/rest inbetween before the next bit hits; no wonder you feel wrecked!
When does your mat. leave start?
Would you consider bringing it forward??
All this stress is no good for you or the baby, Sam. You know that.
Here if you need.
xxx

Ive taken the week before I'm due off so that's last week of October. I might be able to take another week before that. So maybe middle of october. I will have a week off over the summer though.

Maybe I am just tired.

It's no wonder you're tired; you push yourself soo much.
Worried about you, sammy
I hope you can find a nice place for a little holiday.
xx

It means o get longer with my baby if I can hold off starting my materinity.

I really can't complain though. This pregnncy hasn't been too bad.

I can see your point, but I worry about you continuing at this pace/sress level until october!
Is cutting back a bit at work possible? Either less a day or less hours/day or week?
You ghave to put your well-being and bump's above everything right now.
Its not being selfish or weak, its being strong enough tp realize things are slipping a bit.
Is your T aware of how you hyave been feeling and all what has recently happened?
Wish i had motre to give/better reply.
But pm/email/whatever if you need to talk ok??
loves
xx