Please,Please..I don't know where else to turn..
 

I know she will see this but this is the only place I know to come....I rarely cry but I can't stop...the tears continue to fall. She was one of my best friends even though we aren't as close as we used to be. I love her so very much. I worry so very much for her.

I've said goodbye. It was so very hard. We have supported each other and had so many fun times on MSN. She was there when no one else was. But we fed off each other. Sometimes it wasn't healthy.

I'm on meds and in therapy and I have social worker that comes to see me twice a month. I am doing much better and am working hard on my recovery. I'm 34 years old and don't want to live the rest of my life in agony. I know I will always be ill but I am learning how to cope with it.

I'm very afraid right now. Keith will be here in less than a month. I absolutely cannot harm or OD. My social will be here in 2 days so that is good.

I don't mean to be rude or careless at at all. But we have always been so close and I never thought I could say goodbye but I did and I will stick to it unless she gets help and actually accepts it.

Please, I need support right now. I don't want to upset her, but I'm a person too, and I need help too. I'm sorry if I have offended anyone by this. It was not my intention. I am just crushed and need advice and support. Please and thank you.xxxxx

*hugs Rach* Sometimes we all need to step back and no one should speak badly of you for it. How can you help anyone else if in doing so you bring yourself down rather than taking care of yourself? Always care for number one (that is YOU) first even if it sucks. You can always reconnect later. You have explained why you are stepping back. I'm sure she'll understand even if it is upsetting as I'm sure it is for you both.
*squishes*
I've had to do something similar before for similar reasons... I'm just a PM away if you need.

I feel the same rachael as its very upsetting and disturbing to read. You are big enough to walk away. You know whats in your heart and im sure she does too.

Your number one prio is your boy and i wish you all the luck with him. Youll be fine. I know its hard but you will do it.

Be good!

Matthew xxx

Thank you very much guys.

I suppose I will let the tears fall until I've gotten them all out. I worry everyday that I will see a memorial thread for her and I don't know if I could handle that. It'd weird that we are an ocean away but I trusted and counted on her more than anyone in person.

I have to stick to my decision no matter how painful it is. And I'm so scared that it could set her off to do something crazy. I can't carry that guilt if she does.

Thank you so much for supporting me
loves.xxx

damnit....


Kelly is asleep and i feel so alone. people in person don't understand anyway. they don't understand how i could be so close to someone so far away that ive never even met. but i am!

i want to see the dancing penguin again :( it was an emoticon rowie had. we could play for hours just with our emoticons,lol.

i remember when i shaved my head, we were chatting and i calmly said "im going to shave my head"..and she waited for me,lmao...and when i came back i was as bald as a baby's butt,lol.....we had so much fun...and then sometimes manda would join...and that was alot of fun too.

i feel like she is going to hate me for this. but it's just the opposite. i care for her so much that i just cant continue to see her in so much pain. and I CANT HELP HER!!

im sorry for going on and on but i may continue just to vent and get it out.
thanks again
xxxxxxxxxxxx

Kelly jus woke but has gone to the store....i want to disappear but i cant...

****!!!

there have been so many people trying to help but no result....

i remember the penguin lol, we had a right laugh rach and maybe in the future things will work out and we can all chat again, you're right in a way you do feed off each other - you can only give each other so much support and then there's none to give either if you're both down. I will be here for you both still and i think rowie knows how much i love the pair of you.

we all fight on, just in different parts of the army, all towards the same goal, eventually, i remember when i was recovering wondering if either of oyu would ever get there, now look at you rach you're doing it, hopefully you will be able too look on Rowie recovering in the not too distant future, i can't believe what an epic turnaround you have made, Rowie can (and i believe *will*) get better, one day.

maybe when you're feeling stronger you might be able to drop her a pm or email or inbox on facebook and make her day.
love you rachermerel and ribeeeeeeeena, my two little chicken stix xxxxx