recently remembered
 

I don't know if i'd genuinely forgotten, or if i knew but didn't want to know. i can't say and i even hesitate to bring the subject up here, in this anonamous forum. I haven't told anyone else, no friend, family or loved one. I don't know what i would say if i tried to tell them but the thing that gives me the most fear is that i don't know what their reaction would be if i told them.

For years i just never thought about it. it was like it was wiped from my mind. But recently things have been coming back and i don't know why. i wish that it would go away again. i don't want this in my head.

I couldnt have been more than ten years old. My exact age ecapes me, probably because of some kind of repression. I don't know.
My mum would be away a lot, mostly having to work. single parent doing the best she could. I bare no anger against her for it.
But i do hate HIM, but i will not say his name. actually i don't think i can. I can't even bare thinking about his name.
He would occasionally babysit. He was a family friend. His mum and mine had been freiends long before i'd been born. So he was a trusted person.
I was young, but i was aware of things like sex, only a most basic awareness mind; i'd found magazines under my parents bed and thats as far as my knowledge went.
Then one day He was there, he was babysitting, and i think he caught me looking at those magazines. he closed and locked the door behind him, i thought he was going to punish me. i knew i shouldn't have been looking at those magazines but they'd held my curiosity.
He started talking to me, asking questions about what i knew about sex and stuff. I thought he was being friendly, i remember thiking for a little while that he was actually a pretty cool guy. I answered all his question the best i could and asked a few, receiving a few answers. I don't even remember what was said anymore.
He asked me to take my clothes off, made it sound like a game. I din't know what to think or expect as we both stripped down to nothing.
He told me of thing men and women do together, like blow jobs, he tried to make me give him one, practically held my head down. i was almost sck, i rememeber that. i just kept saying no, over and over again. He gave in after i'd gagged for the third time. but all he did was force me down and take me from behind. i remember crying.
I never said a word to anyone, not at the time. He told me no one would belive me and that he would hurt me if i tried to say a word. I knew he was stronger than me, i was so afraid.
It happened two more times over the next month. twice he came over to babysit and took me to my parents bedroom of all places to do it in. each time he threatened to hurt my if i didn't do what he said and would hurt me if i told anyone.
then he was gone. i think he left for University or something. i was glad i'd never have to be around him again.
i guess over the years i thought about it less and less until it was forgotten all together.
I was supposed to be able to trust him. He was a family friend. And yet he did those things to a naive, frightened and confused boy who was less than half his age.

maybe thats why i cut myself. maybe thats why i find it hard to open up to people. I don't know and i wish i didn't know. I just want this stuff back out of my head. I don't know why i rememebered, but i wish i hadn't.

Talking about it is a fantastic first step.

To be honest, I seem to be going through something similar to you at the moment. I used to be quite aware and then it dropped out of my mind completely. Then all of a sudden I remembered it one night and realized what it really meant and a flood of details came soon after.

The fact that you've had the courage to spell it out in words on this forum is a good sign, but please get yourself some help. Dealing with this will probably be hell so it will be easier if you have a professional to work through it with. If not, I'll always be here to help and talk with you, never hesitate to PM or MSN or email me. xx

Hey, well done for taking the first step and talking about it on here, I know how hard it must have been.
I really feel for you and wish I knew what to say but maybe some kind of professional councelling could help you ot if you haven't already got any...?
I know what it's like to have 'forgotten' for so many years and for it to then start coming back to you, and I also know how difficult it is to reach out and talk to somebody and ask for help. I'm always willing to listen if you ever need someone to talk to and support you through. I'm more than happy to do anything I can to help. PM me or add me to MSN if you want to.
*big hugs*
Take care...
Zed xx

hey well done for telling us and taking that first step to recovery.
It may take a while but you will make it.
I know how you feel with it suddenly coming back to you as i was sat at home with my fiance and then i just suddenly got these images and started crying.
if possible talk to someone you love and then try explaining it to them. but if that isnt posible feel free to PM me at any time and i could help youwork through it if you need
Good Luck
Anni XXX

*hugs* i'm sorry you're having to deal with this on your own. the mind is apowerful thing and at the time it blocked all these horrible events out so you could cope, it was trying to protect by helping you forget, but now your mind feels safe enough to start remembering, but you don't need to do this alone, counselling might be a good idea, or you could think about telling someone you trust and feel close to.
take care xoxoxox