Parents who SI and what it does to their kids
 

I have a 5 year old son and have been self harming for 12 yrs (havent in 3 months and counting!! ) so i have quite a few scars. On a few occasions usually at fairly new cuts and scars he has managed to see them and has asked how they got there. I have made up the usual stories to cover it up but i know that he will eventually realise what they are. It cuts me upon the inside him having to know that his mommy cuts herself. How can I ever explain it to him in a way that wont have a major affect on him and I am really worried that maybe he mite do it himself. Its mad because worrying about this has driven me to injury before and think about what i am doing to him everyday.
Is there anybody out there who can help me find the best way to deal with this situation, is there anybody in the same boat that has older kids now that can help me :ermm:

I seem to remember there was a thread in vets about this kinda thing? (someone else may be able to correlate). Maybe have a look there. :)

My daughter found out when she was 11/12. It wasnt easy and still isnt. She's 19 now.

I'm not a parent, but I live next door to my brother so I consider my nephews my babies.

My eldest nephew is 16 and has never noticed the scars and cuts over the years.

My youngest nephew is 5 now and although I stopped self harming just after he was born he has on occasions commented on my lines. I'm not sure he fully understands as he explained them to me as paintings (i'm an artist) The day he asked me why I painted lines on my arms was hard as I don't lie to him but for this I felt like I had to. to protect him.

I don't have a situation to offer but I always think that honesty and explaining is the best way to deal with the situations if the child is old enough to understand.

When I was self harming, I did it a few times right in front of my child. I had no control over it or when I did it, but I can still see the look on his face as I was doing it. As he grew older I realized I just needed to come out and explain my mental illness to him. He still didn't truly understand, but being as I am SI free for many years he is slowly coming to terms with it.

wow..i cant imagine ever doing infront of my children....but im glad hes coming to terms with it now.

I have three children...ages 16, 21 and 22. Ive been harming for 7 years and kept it from them for that long...or so I though i had. My youngest daughter had read something on my pc(careless of me) I lied and told her it was all over..two years later she found a blade in the bathroom..although we talked and im sure i lied about it again, purely to protect her...but obviously failed....and we had a phonecall from her school to say that she had sought help and had asked to see a counsellor.
I am so proud of her for doing that. It must have taken alot of courage. At that point and with the advice of some friends on ryl..I decided I had to tell my children the truth. My son had kind of guessed as had my eldest daughter (i think). It doesnt seem to have made any difference to our relationship. I have offered them all the opportunity to have counselling should they wish. They still havent seen my scars as i keep them covered, thats how i want it to be. But i have just ordered some skin coloured dressings and may be brave enough to wear sleeveless tops in the summer.

I hope that helps in someway. Feel free to pm me. xx

sorry, ive come back to this, i had a appointment to go to.

Your som is 5 and has noticed your scars...I think if he accepts what youre telling him now, then fine...but as he gets older hes going to realise that maybe what youve told him isnt true....that was really hard for me to think that I had lied to my children, even though it was to protect them. Could you maybe say that mummy is a little poorly for now and as he grows and becomes more inquisitive, then give a little more information in a way that wont scare him...I too am worried that now my children know, they may use it as a way of coping...Ive brought them up to talk about their problems, something i could never do...so hopefully

thank you for telling me about ur family,
Its good to hear they seem unaffected (more or less) by it, and i was always afraid of how he'l be when he reaches the dreaded teenage yrs, mainly because i found mine un bearable, like yourself i couldnt talk to people and that played a big part in my starting to self harm. I am now 100% open and honest in every other way with my son and because i lie about this, its a big burden on my mind.....i guess i should be open about this too.
Thinking about this is making me stronger tho, i want to be stronger for him, i dont want to be a mess anymore!! and the longer i go without harming the more the scars will fade and less i will have to explain!!
thank you again
its good to hear a positive story and hope mine will be same <3

I have three kids, 6, 10 and 11. the older two are aware that mummy is ill, and stuff on a very basic level, and the youngest knows mummy has a 'poorly head' though spends a lot of her time thinking everything is fine. My self harm and mental illness has had an impact on all three of them (which every day i feel guilt for) and all three find it difficult to understand why they cannot live with mummy, though with time they have settled down and managed things in their own way. I'll never forgive myself for my illness and what it has meant for them. And i'd never forgive myself if they went on to self harm as a way to cope.

I had a tootle around the tinternet for suggestions regarding this and came across two ways of handling it which I thought were pretty useful.

One is to say 'got hurt' 'something happened and I hurt myself (that won't have the self harm connotations at a young age, remember when a toddler falls over the whole 'oh dear did you hurt yourself?' thing? But then when they're older and start to realise you haven't actually lied to them because it is entirely true that a) something did happen and b) you did hurt yourself).

Another is something like 'these are scars, this is what happens when we get badly hurt/hurt and the skin pulls together to heal itself. This is why it's very important to be careful....blah blah blah. Turn it into a lesson (not in a scary way like this is what happens if you ever touch knives ;-p) but just a gentle explanation as to how the body's healing process works and that means we have to be careful when.... Again you've successfully skirted round the question but haven't lied so this leaves the topic open for frank honest discussion when the child is older.

Hiya, well I'm 18 and my mum self-harms. I found out when I was about 13, and I know it's not quite the same as a 5 year old understanding something like that, but for me when I initially found out, I'll admit I was quite shocked and upset. But I think that would be the same for anyone, it's more a case of understanding and also teaching your child that what you're doing is not a good way to deal with certain situations (although not beating yourself up about that - you're 3 months free! :D) And over time I have definitely learnt to accept that my mum is just as normal as the next person, she just unfortunately has to deal with a lot of mental illness that isn't visible on the outside. Sorry what I've said may not be of much help to your worries of him starting, but I think what Buttons has said sounds like it could be quite useful. I'm sure you are there for your son and love him very much; just be the available source of comfort and support for him as he gets older, so if he ever needs to talk about something, allow him to express himself through words rather than through actions that could eventually lead to self-destructive behaviours. I hope this has helped :)

I don't have any children yet and right now i dont plan too but i am always worried incase when i do have kids that they see my scars.. Me at the moment i would hate been honest.