I'm scared
 

i saw my therapist today. she wants me admitted. i'm scared. i feel so alone. noone understands that i need to die. noone gets that i needed to take that overdose. i just had to. my mom wants me to see another psychiatrist next week. she'll decide if i am to be admitted. my mom wants me admitted too. i feel like everyone wants to lock me up. i want to escape. i want to run away. i want to take more pills and finally die. the urge is always there. the hospital won't help. nothing will help and they don't get it. they're just delaying the inevitable. since my family learned about the overdose, they follow me everywhere. they don't leave me alone. they're controlling me. i hate being controlled. i just want my mom to leave so i can take that overdose. i just want everyone to leave me alone.

i don't think that anyones goal is to lock you up. they all just want to keep you safe, and at the moment its really difficult to do that, since it isn't what you want. so its seeming like the only option left to them.

things can get better. but they wont get better if you die.

i just don't see how things can get better. i feel like noone's hearing me. i can't talk to anyone. at the same time, i don't want to talk to anyone. i keep thinking i will take an overdose tomorrow. i keep thinking i want to take that overdose.

I'm really sorry that you feel this way :[ I can relate to some of what you're saying with the overdose, and I really think that you need to tell somebody that you're thinking about taking another overdose. I've been in your situation and I did take another overdose at the first opportunity I had. Everbody just wants to keep you safe and probably hopes that someday you will be happier again. Please don't take another overdose, you mean a lot to us and I'm sure that you mean a lot to your friends and family. I'm sorry that this is so scary but I really hope that you can give this a go, it might help you tackle that urge which won't go away. I know it's hard to see but things can get better. Please hold on and please speak to somebody xxx

Why is it that you feel you need to die, Ashley?

Admitting you isnt locking you up, but rather keeping you somewhere safe so that you can get help in finding a way to feel less desparate.

What is it you want people to hear?

Roiben x

thank you both for replying. i can't talk to anyone. there's noone i can talk to anyways. i don't know why i feel i need to die. it's just a feeling i have. i know it sounds stupid but i just feel like the universe wants me to die. i have always believed that i will be happier when i die. i will finally be free and be with my grandmother. i'm not free now. since they learned about the overdose, my family are watching me like a hawk. they threw out all the pills in the house. this makes me even more angry. they can't control me. i want people to hear this. i want people to hear that they can't control me and i can choose to die when i want. this whole thing with depression has been going on for far too long and i'm tired. i know this won't pass. i know i will never be happy living in this world. that's why i need to run away. i need to disappear. but noone understands that i need to die. noone understands that this is how it's meant to be. at the same time, i want to get better but i know this is never going to happen. i don't know how hospital will help. so i'd rather die than live this way.

i think that they know that they can't really control you, and thats really scary and painful for them. but they can't not try to keep you safe. so they're taking away routes of hurting yourself, so that they can feel a bit more secure.

it sounds like alot of people are really really worried about you and would listen if you told them what was going on.

thank you. you're probably right that they're worried about me but i just find it hard to believe. i'm really struggling not to hurt myself atm. my mom and sis had thrown away my pocket knife but i went out and bought another one. i SIed numerous times. i just needed to hurt myself somehow. unfortunately the urge to hurt myself has not passed.

i just want to OD again. the urge is just too much.

Please don't OD. Can you tell someone how you're feeling?

I can't tell anyone. I'm not good with words right now. I can't do anything until Monday cause my dad just came so I'm a bit safer. thanks.

It doesn't sound stupid at all and again I can relate to the feeling which just won't go away, but it will eventually go away although it may take a lot of time and effort and strength. People do make it through this and we want you to be one of them. Hospital would be a place to keep you safe until you felt better and had more hope in life. I'm glad that you're safe for now as your dad is there. If you can't speak to anybody, have you thought about writing them a letter? Or you can just tell us about how you're feeling xx