How do you fight?
 

If you know what you want, know what you are craving or know what you are fighting for it isn't necessarily easier to achieve, but at least you know when you've achieved it.

How do you fight when you can't even remember what you are fighting for?

I would assume that I should be fighting for recovery, whatever that means. Recovery is defined as returning to a normal state of health, mind or strength. What happens if being "sick" is your normal? What if you can't remember having a strong mind? How do you find your way back? What if "back" isn't the right way to go?

In 2006 I got physically sick. Something went wrong. The doctors are going with the idea that the fever messed up the connections in my brain. A, B and C no longer properly connect with 1, 2 and 3 resulting in a headache. Singular. I have had the same headache for 5 years. Every waking moment it is there. I've been to a dozen doctors who have run more tests than I can remember and prescribed just as many drugs. It's been investigated and they've decided that they don't know why it's there, how to make it go away or even if it will ever go away. Whatever. I've accepted that. Headache = new normal. Better than a lot of things that could have become my normal.

I was fifteen when the headache started. I am now twenty. I honestly don't remember what it feels like not to have a headache. Not to be in pain everyday. Pain is my normal.

My mind did not have such a definitive break. It was slower, but still very powerful. When I was young, things were always my fault. Granted, I wasn't the most well behaved child, but even when I swore up and down that I didn't do something I would still get the blame. I started to internalize that things were always my fault and very quickly that turned into the idea that I am bad. I've never done anything that would actually warrant that title but it doesn't matter. Nothing I do will ever be good enough. I will never be good enough.

When I was nine my Granny died. I refused to go inside the room where her sarcophagus was. I never properly said good-bye to her and that slowly ate away at me. At 15 my cat died and that almost killed me. He got sick, really sick. Within two weeks he went from happy and healthy to dying with the only possible cure costing 5000$. Five thousand dollars and it wasn't a guarantee. Wasn't even a 50/50 chance. My parents said no and then proceeded to tell me that since he was my cat it was my decision whether or not to put him down. He was my very best friend and I had to basically decided if we should murder him or let him live a little while longer and suffer from the pain. I prayed for him to get better. Prayed that if there was a quota that some higher power needed to reach of sick mammals, that I could take his place. I prayed and prayed. He died the next day.

I can't remember his smell, or how soft he was. I can't remember the sound of his meow or the gentle rhythm of his purring. I can't remember what his warmth felt like through the blankets on my bed. I can't remember the calmness and security I felt when he was with me.

There are so many things I don't remember. I covered up and ignored my feelings for so long that it's either I don't know or can't remember what they feel like anymore. I honestly cannot tell the difference between my feelings for the most part. Positive and negative, that's about it. Any more complex than that and honestly, it's gone. I don't have the words.

So how do I fight? How do I try and get back to a normal I can't even grasp? How would I even know when I've accomplished it if I can't even name the feeling!? How do you fight your fears if you don't know what they are? You can't, can you?

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to start or if I even want to anymore. For a long time I've been trying to deal with suicidal thoughts and they are getting the best of me more often than I am of them.

I know they are only thoughts. I know that I can take charge of them. Right now though? I am powerless.

*This is really long. Thank you for reading it. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense.

I can't imagine how strong you must be to put up with a the pain of a constant headache for five years. I have to wonder if I could have lasted half that long.

You're incredibly strong to have put up with it so far. I hope you can break free someday. Your words carry a lot of strength that I really admire.

You write really well. Very clearly. I can't imagine you not being able to articulate your feelings given the high intelligence and skill you show here with your writing. I do understand that pain, emotional pain, however has nothing to do with intelligence.... It can attack us all without prejudice.... And even highly intelligent people such as yourself can be in incredible pain. I know how you feel about the suicidal feelings and the confusion and turmoil. It's agony at best. But there is hope. Really, things can change. Are you seeing a doctor? About the suicidal feelings? Talking to someone? Don't lose hope. Much can be done. I've been on a loooong journey myself. But one thing I can tell you for sure is that there is always hope for change. Don't give up.

Thank you. I try really hard to get my thoughts in order so that it makes sense when I'm posting. Doesn't always work, but I think writing as well as you can is important.

I think that is what frustrates me so much. I know I have the words, I just can't pick the right ones or put them in the right order when I'm trying to explain how I feel. I've been told before that I do make sense when I talk but I always feel like I'm nattering or talking but not really saying anything of value. My mom gets upset when I refuse to talk to her about how I feel. She thinks I'm shutting her out when I just don't know how to say what I need to. She doesn't understand that.

Actually, I got a call that a bed has become available at a residential treatment centre for anxiety and depression. I'm going there on Monday. I'm really hoping that I can get things sorted out. Or at least a little less gumbled in my head. I have an appointment with my social worker on Friday so I'll bring some of this stuff up then.

Thank you so much, both of you, for your replies.

How are you doing today?
Do you think writing it down and giving it to her would help?

And good luck with the residential place. I hope it helps.