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I just don't know what to do anymore
I seriously don't know what to do anymore.
I haven't been on here in months. Not that anyone would have noticed because i never spoke to anyone. I feel so lost right now. I've just moved to a whole new place where nobody knows what i'm like. I ran away from my past and my problems like the pathetic little girl i am. Nobody knows me. Nobody knows the torture going on inside of my head. I need to scream. I haven't properly SI'd in months. A slip up here and there, but nothing big. Yet right now.. thats ALL i can think about. It's taking over my mind. And suddenly.. I want to OD. I've never done that before. Never wanted to. But now.. Everything is so much worse. Why did i think i could run away.. Everything is catching me up. I just need to let it out.. Why me. Why this. What do i do? |
You need to scream? Scream. Let it out. Scream and cry and scream and cry? There's nothing wrong with that. It won't hurt anybody and that's okay? That's safe... Or, push on a wall as hard as you can. Or, roll up a magazine and beat something like your bed with it? Or press ice against your wrist? Or, Go for a really heavy run? There's lots of options... It's just finding the right one/combination to help right now. As for running away... 'Pethatic little girl'? Are you for real? Do you realise how much fight and gut that takes? I'm sure there are many many many people that wouldn't have the strength to do that? That truely shows how strong and capable you are. It's not easy... Thing's are bound to catch up with you... I'm afraid no matter how far you run thing's will always follow? The truth is though, that small gap where you were safe and free... Is that not worth fighting for? Months free... Takes an awful lot. That's something to be seriously proud of. Something to fight for... You can do this... <3 |
Feelings and thoughts can get momentum of their own. Any upset makes thought rush in a circular way. The thoughts create more feelings - which creates more thoughts etc.
What you need to do is learn to observe the thoughts and feeling and recognize when you are caught in them. You don't want to get upset with the thoughts and feelings and struggle with them - that makes things worse. If you learn to watch the thoughts and feelings with an attitude of gentle disagreement and detachment (objectivity) the thoughts and feelings will settle down and you'll be centered again. You don't want to scare yourself and get all despairy and morbid. You can't make yourself happy but you can learn how to resist giving up and giving in to morbid things. The more practice you get at passing through thought and feeling storms the easier it will get. If I slapped your had it would sting - then it would stop without you trying. On the other hand, if you got all upset with the slapped hand you would thin about what happened over and over and your whole day might be ruined. Rarely act on something when you feel a pull in your solar plexus - that usually means you are under control of stress and pressure from outside yourself. That's when you'll make a lot of mistakes. Let panic and desperation pass before you act and don't analyse problems when upset because you will get a lot of erroneous thinking. "Wondering" about problems gently lets realisation and intuition develop |
I just feel so alone. Nobody to talk to when i feel like this.
I want to tell someone. I'm sick of being like this. But i can't tell anyone. They'll hate me. |
But you are not alone. We are all here for ya, anytime!
xx |
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