Suicidal, no apparent reason?
 

Ever since last week, in which I was in an incredibly stressful environment as I was left with my older sister and her abusive boyfriend to look after the dogs whilst the rest of the family were at a cousins' wedding in Ireland. I was pretty unsafe with the threats and intimidation (he stole my iPod and mobile phone and hid them) and got upset and nearly overdosed on a medication I used to be prescribed for depression last year, fortunately, I held myself back and just went to bed. I didn't feel quite that bad throughout the rest of the situation, as they're now both gone, but lately.. I've been feeling rundown. My appetite has died (again) and I've been feeling 'okay' throughout the day, then going to bed early at around 07:00pm crying myself to sleep before sleeping about 10-12 hours, waking up and feeling 'okay' again.

I get consumed in suicidal ideation and feeling worthless, which was played on by my sisters' boyfriend about things I'd rather not say here when I had an outburst at him. I haven't made any plans to harm myself, because my will is strong enough atm to not, but I feel like I'm slipping back down a lonely slope I've been on before, which has resulted in either attempted suicide or severe self-harm or alcohol dependence. I've also distanced myself from friends, haven't really responded to texts/calls, I'm not on Facebook/MSN much and I've just been in solitude.

Does anyone have any like.. advice for this kind of feeling as I'm sure someone here knows what I'm on about. I don't have professional help, btw. I'm no longer with a mental health team, I unofficially discharged myself after I was taken off the medication I was on by cancelling my outpatient appointments, and I've cancelled my appointment with MIND care co-ordinator. Apparently, it'd be better to go to someone that needs it more than I do. I do, afterall, have quite a lot of insight into my problem.

Are you really angry at the situation that you were left in? Anger and powerlessness can really stir up suicidal feelings, I know that they do for me. Understanding the feelings can really help, and having compassion for yourself.

You do need and deserve support. I know all too well how agonising the gap between insight and making change can be, until the understanding fully penetrates a place of acceptance and compassion.

Thanks for your reply, it's appreciated.

Yeah, I was (and still am sort of) angry at the situation I was left in. It wasn't my parents fault, as I didn't want to attend that wedding, but I'm angry how the guy tried to control the house, and not only dominate my sister, but dominate me, as well. He threatened to damage property and hit me/her, and I did call the Police but they said they couldn't act on threats alone.. despite the fact, he was already reported for domestic abuse (he assaulted her twice before) and he vandalised my brothers car a year ago or so for telling him to F- off and not let him in. I'm angry at having to lock myself and my dogs in my parents room and effectively arm myself (with a bamboo cane that is...). I swear, I could've beaten the idiot to a pulp if he'd came near me and I had a good male friend of mine offering to come break his legs for it, as he was also trying to watch what I was doing on my computer (at the time, I was writing a Facebook message to two good friends and was on MSN). I did call the Police, but the two officers that turned up were not helpful at all and told me they couldn't act on "threats" alone.. which was stupid, because the guy has a past for damaging our property and domestic abuse which has been reported, I also wasn't helped by the fact that the other copper was actually having a laugh with him and my sister, they also left me to fend off their fierce reactions to me calling the Police.

It's been nearly a week, though. And my feelings of anger and helplessness and have melted into how I'm mostly feeling now. In fact many of my 'thoughts' are things to do with completely non-related things (hence "no reason"), it's as if another depressive episode has been triggered, and I haven't had one of those since last year, even when my mum got ill. I just feel as if I've lost interest in other things, too, besides eating. Including friends', I've become selfish..

Do you think this is just temporary, or maybe it will escalate? Afterall, it's been a week.

I would hope that, as long as you're not put in that kind of situation again, it should settle down. But bear in mind that it IS traumatising and depressing to go through that kind of experience, so you may need some extra help in working through this. I would also imagine that there's some despair there?

Heya,

I'm rubbish with advice at the moment (sorry!). But I don't think it sounds like 'no apparent reason' that you're feeling like this. It might feel like it, but it sounds a bit like you've been building all these little things up inside you for a long time and internalising it all, and then this has happened and it's just 'tipped you over the edge' into that deep depression, and once that happens it becomes like a vicious cycle that's very hard to get out of.

I know how easy it is to fall onto that slippery slope and how hard it is to get off it too, but you can do it. Sometimes it's just a case of time, just needing some space in your head to be alone for a while. For other people it's a case of really really fighting it. And I know that's hard but it is really really important, like just to be with people etc. Even if you don't talk much, or if you just sit in silence and watch a film with people, talk about completely irrelevant stuff, anything. Social support is one of the most important things you need.

I'm not gonna say too much about eating 'cos a) you already know and b) I'd be a hypocrite, but (not) eatingwill have an effect too. Your brain doesn't have the energy to do anything, so you end up in a rubbish mental state (I have laid awake for hours some nights feeling so suicidal it almost physically hurt when I wasn't eating properly).

And as Stellata said, it should start to feel less intense in time, it's still very recent. But it might be worth seeing if you can talk to someone again. I won't go on about it 'cos I'm guessing you don't want to, and if you don't want to nothing will convince you I'm guessing. But talking can help.

Anyways, you know where I am. x

Thanks for the replies.
I appreciate it.

I see your points on all of that, but my thoughts are mostly about other insecurities I have and just generally other stuff, I blank out a lot of that which happened. I've kept myself from harming myself, so I guess that's alright, and yeah it might pass with time. I've kinda lost motivation, as well, though. Ugh. Sorry.. useless ramble. Just a bit tired and out of it, atm.

Take gentle care of yourself - it's totally understandable you'd be depressed and tired as well as somewhat spaced out.
Well done for not harming yourself. :)

Its great that you managed to hold back from hurting yourself, it shows great self control and you should be proud of yourself.

It isn't right what your sisters boyfriend did.Have you thought about talking to someone about him? I know that this is most likely the last thing you want to do but it might help, perhaps someone you trust like a friend?

It feels like its the best thing to be alone and push people away but in some ways having people around even just on here or the people you talk to on msn can help you feel a bit better as you can vent and get everything out.

My advice is to try and not seperate yourself from everyone as it makes all the feelings worse in my experience.

I'm sorry I cant be of more help!

If you want someone to talk to I'm around... talking to strangers who understand can be helpful :)

Rhian