Just random thoughts...(Poss Trig)
 

I feel at a real dead end in my messed up life.
I pretty much have made up my mind I dont want to be here. I have finalised details of my plan - nothing on paper, of course, in my head and with the relevant information I need to carry it out. But it involves going somewhere specific and im worried that once I get there, Ill be too weak and stupid not to do it, so I was thinking I need another plan in case the first one fails?

I feel completely alone and isolated with my thoughts. People think 'oh she's got depression/stress' whatever, but they dont realise how bad it is - and I cant tell anyone.

I did finally tell the GP about the SH and they said they want to refer me to the CMHT but I havent even mentioned the plans or the laxative abuse (which is getting out of control, I feel ill almost every day, Im hardly taking in any calories and taking huge amounts of laxatives each night... ) I dont feel I can tell anyone this, I dont know how to tell anyone, Im old enough to know better - I do know better - I just cant stop, I feel too anxious and terrified about eating properly again...

Im scared and I feel so alone.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time right now. You say you've made a plan to hurt yourself, but you're worried you won't be able to follow through with it. Maybe that means there's some doubt in your mind - that there is a part of you that knows this all too permanent and that there is another solution to what you're feeling. I realise it probably doesn't feel a lot like there is and it sounds as though you've been dealing with things on your own for a long time, which must be extremely hard. It sounds as though you've made some progress by talking to your GP about the SH; you don't ahve to admit everything straight away, but please keep trying to open up.

Please try not to be angry with yourself - what you're going through isn't easy and it's not easy to overcome so give yourself some time to get better. Talking to someone is the first step towards recovery and I know that process might seem so long that it's impossible, if you can start the process, you can feel better. You don't have to be stuck where you are forever.
Stay safe
xxx

Doesn't everyone have doubts? But the way I feel and my mess outweighs the doubts most of the time. I just want to do things the right way and not the wrong way so it all for a wrong again.

I agree with hunni that you need to talk to someone. Please don't feel alone - know that there is a whole community of people here for you and any family or friends you have I'm sure would be more than willing to help you out however they can. I once read on here that suicide is a "very permanent solution to a very temporary problem" and I thought that was a great way of putting it.

It's an addiction - the sh, the laxatives, everything. You can't be expected to deal with this on your own, and you can't be expected to just take a pill and have your depression go away. Please reach out and find someone (therapist, counsellor) to talk to. Telling someone such as a friend or family member would be a good idea too so that you can start to build a support network of people who can help you out when you need them.

I'm sorry that things are so rough right now for you. Please hold on, stay strong and take care of yourself.

I don't know who to tell and im too scared of peoples reactions to take the chance. I'm trapped in my own personal bell that I've created ...

In my experiences, people's reactions were actually quite supportive. I resisted telling people as long as I could but it wasn't until I did that I was able to start getting better. People were very supportive of me and tried to help me - I didn't have anyone get angry with me for doing it or stop being my friend...just think of how you would react if a friend told you that they were in that position...and that's probably how that person would react back...

Just some thoughts - but isolating yourself and withdrawing is very dangerous (as I have found that being alone with your thoughts too much can be destructive). Maybe try to slowly let someone in - like just start off telling them about your depression and then let them know that you have an issue with laxatives (you don't have to say how bad right away). Maybe if you ease into it it will be easier for you to open up?