It's become all I care about (suicide)
 

It's been nearly two weeks since I overdosed, and I haven't for one hour of any day not thought about ending my life. I have a plan but since my family are trying to keep me away from anything I might harm myself with, I've been stopped from doing anything in the past few weeks. But I have a plan which will be complicated but which I'll be able to carry out at some point even if not immediately.

I don't know why I feel this way. I hate myself so much and I can't imagine myself living for much longer at all. I feel like I should be dead. This is the worst I've ever felt like this, and it's as if now that this idea to end my life and destroy myself has entered my head won't leave. I can't fight against it even though I suppose there's a small part of me which wants to live, I feel like it's in total control of me. It is me. I think. I'm so confused.

Also the urges to self-harm have been getting worse, and every time I start I can't stop until I've made a lot of cuts and bled rather a lot. I don't think there's any hope for me and I keep wanting to do stupid things. I feel guilty because there's no suicide note which would be good enough for my friends or family.

I can't live.

I keep wanting to do destructive things: self-injure, overdose, hurt myself, throw myself of a small bridge to try and break something, etc. I know that this isn't rational but I can't think rationally.

It's become all I care about. Planning it, writing and rewriting notes to friends and family, deciding on the best way to do it, thinking about it.

I don't know what to do. Nothing helps. Nothing can stop me and nothing can make the thoughts go away or even quieten.

People have a bright side and dark side to their natures. Anger cuts people off from their bright side and the dark side gains control - and compels people to harm and destroy themselves. You are fixated to a morbid state and running on the wrong energy. Your thoughts and feelings are coming from your true core. You need to face the anger and give it up because thats the fuel

You should to try and distract yourself from your self destructive urges, I know this may seem like only a temporary measure but distraction can result in you changing your mind about cutting. Focus on your friends and family and the reasons that you have to live :)
xxx

Thank you for the replies. I know there are things you can do, and I have tried. A part of me wants to stop myself from doing this but I can't stop myself. It sounds stupid but I just can't. The other part of me has planned to do it tomorrow and nothing will stop me.

I'm really sorry, I feel so horrible and I just wish I could be good enough and normal.

please don't do this. can you go to A & E? keep talking to us. PM me if you'd like.

Please don't do anything!! It might seem like the best thing to do, but it's not. I know you this probably doesn't even cross your mind or you just don't want to think about it, but think to your future. It might seem horrible now and you don't want to think about it, but just think when you get better (which you will) how free and happy you can be! I admit suicide feels like the easiest way out of all the pain, I've tried it, but it's not. How would everybody that cares about you feel? I know what I've just said there doesn't help, but please please please don't do anything! Your amazing! Stay and Fight it!!Your the better person and you will win, Because you will get through it, even though it doesn't seem like that now but you will. Stay safe and if you need me, PM me any time!! :) Xxx

Hey,
I'm really sorry for my last message and how negative it was. I feel really guilty for everything I've done. I took an overdose yesterday but it hasn't caused me any damage as far as I know so I'll probably be okay. But thank you all so much for your replies!
If this overdose doesn't end up harming me after all, and I think it most likely won't, I'm going to really try and not make any more plans to harm myself or try and kill myself, and try to think about it as little as possible. Maybe I am meant to live, for at least another little while...I'm just taking things as they come really at the moment.

Hope you're all okay,
Cassie xxx

Don't be sorry, it was something you needed to get off your chest and it's better that you talk to someone than no-one at all.
You should at least try and see your GP for a check up to confirm you've not done any invisible damage.
I hope you can continue to look at things in this positive light :) & I'm glad that you're really trying not to hurt yourself again :)
PM me if you need too :)
xxx