So I've been to HR
 

I told my boss that I've been to my doctor, and he set me up with a meeting with HR. Who were very nice, and all the time I'm thinking that that's what they said last time. It's all, "We want to help you" but after they know, it's down hill from there. And even if they mean it, I think that I don't deserve the help, that I should punish myself for people being nice to me.

It's not wanting to die because I want to die. It's wanting to die before I cause too many problems. If I'm not here, everyone has an easier life.

My boyfriend got angry at me, and I tried to say sorry, and ended up hitting myself in the head in front of him. I just wanted him to stop talking, to stop saying those things to me. But he's still with me.

I don't want to SH. But I can't even deal with being rational without thinking about knives. Why can't I accept that people want to help? I don't feel I don't deserve it, I feel like I should not get any happiness from it because it doesn't last forever. That when they turn around and say, "Actually, you need to go away because you need too much" that hurt will be less than SH.

I saw the most important person in my life yesterday, and we had a good time. I just wish I could be something to him, but he's married with two kids, and his family is just the total priority to him. I know that, I want him to be happy with his family, I just would like the illusion that he cares. But then I'd go down the route of fooling myself that he wants something from me, which he doesn't.

Just want to stop these urges. I don't feel very much right now.

What kind of help did HR offer you?

I know how stressful work health procedure stuff can be [even though it's supposed to reduce the stress!] as I've been referred to OH a few times now myself.

Well, they said that I had access to private health care and they wanted to know if there was anything they could do to help. Like reduce my work load, which isn't particularly stressful at the moment as whilst there's a lot to do, I'm getting on with it. I have to work with some creaky systems so it's slow going, but that's because I have to make up the short fall in efficiency of the system!

It's not that they weren't nice, it's just that my experience has always been that as soon as HR and "Them" know that you're having problems, you're out the door. Sometimes in ways which are pretty awful. I'd like to trust people again, we'll have to see how things go. She did have to make the point that other people shouldn't be made to watch me SH, which was a fair point, it's just I feel defensive and agressive about it. Which is not anyone else's fault, it's something I have to deal with.

Id di find it easier to take on board something my boss said which was that sometimes I'm aggressive towards him in my tone, which is why he gets aggressive towards me. I will work on that, and if he's on my side, I hope I won't go through the whole, "You're not working hard enough" "Yes, I am" scenario, like at my old work place.

So should he work on it. Don't forget that. He is half of the dynamic. Not to take away your responsibility for yourself, just, I really don't want you to get to be the 'scapegoat' in this. From my own experience it is really not a nice place to be.

Yeah, I know, but I can understand that people react to things that sometimes you're not aware of. I mean, when I first went to work, I was confronted by people whose behaviour I could not understand, because all they wanted to do was hurt people. I learned to react to that, and am now at the stage where I try to protect myself first, and tone it down later. At least here, people are generally more understanding and ready to help, rather than condemn. In some respects, I am more aggressive than anyone else here, and could become Top Dog if I were interested in a position won by inflicting pain and fear.

So it may be that I am 'shouting him down' before he's doen anything, even though he has, in the past, done things which I don't agree with. I will try not to let him brow beat me though. I know what you're saying. I've been there too. I hate the whole "Maybe it is me, maybe I am this terrible person and deserve this" position.

Hmm, I guess it's a difficult situation to be in. Be careful how you handle it; there's a fine line between standing up for yourself, and being in the wrong yourself, or else not standing up at all.

Yes, I think I understand why I behave like this, it's a fundamental problem which needs to be addressed and worked through. I think my lack of self-confidence leads me to be, on occasions, aggressive and I can't let that become me. I'm always afraid of injuring people, but if I'm angry first, I might not notice when I'm doing that. But you see, my boss had a go at me last week for no reason at all. One of those "slap you in the face" moments when you just don't see it coming. Maybe I'm just doing my head in over analysing situations.

Today, I'm just getting on with my work, and not bothering anyone.

Hmm. How are things going now?

Spent some time last night crying. Not really sure why, I was watching "Supersize vs Superskinny" and saw the eating disorder people being told that they need to eat something from their childhood that they enjoyed. I thought, "I can't eat any treat from my childhood because it has sugar in it". I get annoyed when I see programmes which sort of don't take into account who's watching - which is ridiculous, and I know I resent my diabetes whilst at the same time knowing it kind of saved my life. I'd be tipping the scales at 20 stone if not for it. But these people all had some issue in their past that they were using food to cope with it, which is possibly what I have been doing, but that got swept away with my dad telling me how fat I looked.

Dear oh dear, I set out to write a short reply and I get too detailed. Everytime I write something down, I start writing an epic....