People Die Everyday...
 

thousands and more without the blink of anyone's eye.

im no better than anyone. i just keep feeling its my time. the thought wont go away. i tell the docs this...they know it. **** it.

i just dont have a fool proof way yet. the hate for myself is unlike hate for others...its much worse.

ive revealed tonight on FB to a very old childhood friend who knew nothing that went on...and i guess he wanted to know. he was so very sweet to me. he even apologized for bullying me when we were kids,lol. i told him it only made me tougher!!

im contemplating..but it will take time. you will say im selfish. you will say stop pitying myself. and i will tell you. if its selfish..i am very very sorry. but to end this neverending pain...i will do anything. ive done everythign else im supposed to do. ive been compliant.

its my turn to decide how my future goes or if i have a future.

i have the weirdest thought that this whole time i was "recovering". I WASNT.

i honestly thought i was. but how do i go from that to this? what if all that time....i was just biding my time.

suicides happen alot when no one knows a person even had problems. what if in this sick sick sick head of mine....i wanted to appear happy and hopeful just so i could do it when i had the chance.

i want to cut right now so bad it hurts. but kelly told me today how much it hurt her so im not going to. i already know your response...how hurt do you think she'll be when youre dead??? answer is terribly.

this is what makes me so horrible is that im planning my death even though i know it wil shatter the ones around me. how can i do that? ive been affected by suicides...i know how it feels but am still willing to go that far. the place we never come back from.

im blabbing bullshit now. and i feel really stupid now when i come here because obviously most of you are educated and speak well...plus you all give details and things that would help a poster reply...but not me. i feel so ****ing stupid.

Rachel hun....I could sit here and say no dont do it, its selfish, think of your son etc..But what im wondering is what do you actually want from this post.

You say youve told the doctors and then you said **** it...is that because they havent done anything to help you?
Even though you seem determined in your actions...im wondering if you really want to do it and that this post is a cry for help

I know that feeling of self loathing, that you hate yourself so much you are prepared to do anything to yourself...but that can be overcome with help

You have been in recovery Rachel...the difference in you now compared to the early days when we used to chat on msn are immense. In recovery you have ups and downs....youre on a downer at the moment. It will lift if you want it to...its all too easy to hang onto to feeling bad because its what we feel we deserve, we allow our thoughts to take us to dark places...pull yourself out of it hun...youve got the strength, ive seen you use it before..many times...this time is no different.

As you said...you have a sick head, youre ill...what if youre not thinking straight, well youre not thinking straight...this will all be one huge mistake
Go back and talk to your doctors again and talk until they take you seriously

You can decide your future when youre well

Hugs xxx

Rowie pretty much got there with most of what I was going to say *pulls face at Rowie :p*. I did have another point as I was reading but seems to have slipped my mind. Will come back to this later but wanted you to know that I've read and what Rowie said makes sense.

*leaves some love and hugs*

Thanks Rowie bird and Emma.

maybe youre right...i just dont know. i feel hellbent on it. I have had a huge battle with PMDD this week and today i'm cramping so maybe my period will get here and i will feel better. PMDD gets the worst of me sometimes.

im just so sad. nothing seems to lift it. im scared everyday when i wake up of what the day will bring. i never want to wake up...its too sad and scary.

i feel like im in a movie film that just keeps cycling and repeating itself. my social worker comes tomorrow. maybe he can do something. but i already know its me that has to do the work.

i just can't see my life as living on disability forever and they have told me i will. there is no chance of ever having the career i wanted or succeeding in life period. i simply exist on a monthly check that doesnt even get us through.

ok..moaning over.

There is no such word as cant. I am a firm believer that you can be anything you want to be. Sure its not easy, but it is possible. If you want something badly enough, fight for it. Anything you can show that level of passion for and do anything to achieve, is lucky to have you and those with the power to, will see that and take you on.

You want that job? You want to succeed in life, do it. Believe in yourself rach. You have come so far and done so much. There is no doubt in my mind that you can be who ever you want to be.

Kim,

the docs wont release me to work. i cant legally do what i want. id have to commit identity theft,lol.
i do appreciate your reply. i believe i am capable but my docs think im just delusional. as ive said before..im trapped. once youre "labeled" and caught up in the mental health system here in the US...youre screwed.

the docs tell me that i have to accept my situation and find the positives in it. such as..i havent been committed in almost 2 years. i havent required any emergency services unless medical.

i do try to see the positives.

thanks again Kim.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

But could you ont start at the bottom? Say, a part time course in the same direction? Look after yourself and prove to the docs you are well enough?

I have been told several times in life to accept my sitution and learn to live with it. Through stuborness, I have proved them wrong. I was told, I would never be allowed to nurse, yet got there in the end. Last year I was told I would never speak again and would need a tube to breathe, right now I am tube free. Its never easy, but I still think it is worth fighting for. Even if you get the exact thing you want, can you get something close to it? and perhaps work towards it?

Recntly, I have spoken to a boy, who left school with a mystery illness at 15. The school said he was just lazy and didnt want to work. He got worse. Right now, he has server autism and does not have the strength to walk so crawls around the house. At night time, he has a machine to breathe for him. Last month however, at 18 he became a qualified respiratory therapist even though he was told it would never happen. He wants to become an anaestist and they say he will never make it, with being in a wheel chair and such. Hes still not listening to them and still working towards it. Will he ever get there? I have no idea, but the time he puts towards it, is good time and it helps him to feel like he is worth it. And who knows, he may make it.

I know your situation is different, but you never kno what is around the corner.

you make really great points Kim.

i really used to believe that i could come back from this illness. i want so bad to go back to school. im a bit stuck with that as i owe federal student loans and i have offered to pay an amount that i can afford every month. they tell me that it wont even cover the interest on the loan, so i wont get caught up. this means i cant take out anymore loans out until this one is out of default. i know it sounds like im making excuses. i would think the same if i were reading this from someone else. but 2 months after i was put on disability, i applied for vocational rehab and got turned down due to the loan.

it is very frustrating and ive gone round and round trying to figure out a way to pay enough to bring it out of default...and will continue trying. its just really hard..but ive had many harder situations and gotten through them, so i know there is a way somehow...i just havent figured it out yet.

i admire and respect you for your strength and determination. hearing your experience gives me hope and i want to thank you for sharing it with me.

thanks again Kim.