Cant do this....
 

Ive been trying..I really have.
But Im just sinking lower and lower
Shutting myself away in bed for a little longer each day
Hiding away
Not able to cope with stupid things like putting my clothes away so now i have a mound of clothes which brings me to tears every day when i see it. I find it hard to care for myself...washing, eating...

So bloody pathetic, but things are getting that bad
And its not just the clothes, its the whole house
The worse it gets the worse I feel

I try, I really try..I do little bits when i can,
but its like playing catch up...but never getting there

I feel so depressed, so low but my doc wont give me anti depressants until im not so low...

How can I make myself well?
How can I do it?

I know im making my hubbys depression worse because hes now forgetting to order my pills on time..so im going with out for a few days...he never forgets which makes me realise hes on the slippery slope

I really cant cope with all of this
Im crying now...its bloody pathetic
I should beable to do this

I know...I know if I read my posts from 5/6 years ago when i joined, there would be no ****ing difference....why cant I do this???
Why cant I just get myself out of it??

Others do and have..why cant I?
Am I any different?

and yes, sorry..having a bad one today

This post wont last long
sorry xx

Thank you Matthew...Tim and I went for a drive alone and I told him I was getting worried about him...hes been put on citalopram, that was two years ago...no follow up, nothing. But he said that he felt fine and that one of the side effects off citalopram is forgetfulness...he doesnt feel the need to see a gp....so I said that we'll monitor it.

I told him how id been today and how hard i found it to do things...he listened, but i dont think he can cope with knowing...not alot was said to that...kind of dissappointed..but i can understand.

Two of the meds im on...temazepan and lorazepam..my doc cant or wont put them on repeats. Tim has to ring up and speak to a doctor to get the prescription...and then he has to collect it from the surgery....bit of a pain, but thats how it is...so the other med pregabalin is just done the same way too...we just take the scripts to the local chemist. They do a delivery service...but because of how my getting meds works we cant really get them delivered.....and we only get two weeks supply at a time of all three so have got a prepaid cert to save money

I see my doctor on wednesday...I may write some things down because i know when i go it there i just break down...but i will try

Thank you for your support and advice...it really helps me to do things...talking to tim, the kids etc...youve been a real help and i mean that..thank you so much xx

You did really well to talk to Tim. I hope you can continue to persevere with that and hopefully it'll become more natural and easier in time.

Thank you Laura xx

Glad you were able to talk to him, Rowie. Sorry that you're struggling so much. You're being far too hard on yourself lately. You are still here and still battling on. Give yourself some credit xxx

Thanks pops....I just get so frustrated with myself. Im angry that I cant be the wife and mum that I used to be....we dont do anything as a family anymore...so ive suggested we go to a beach and go for a walk and end up at a pub for lunch. It will kill me as I dont get exercise and im anaemic... but I need to do this for them. xx

Your last post made me smile! I think that is a great idea as long as you are careful with the anaemia not to get too exhausted but I think you will be because you won't want to collapse or anything and upset your family. I'm really proud of you for talking to Tim as well. Maybe the answers weren't what you would have hoped for in an ideal world but these are really great baby steps you are making Rowie. Yay :) really happy and proud of and for you *leaves some sprinkles and cuddles* xxx

well sod the positivity and the nice afternoon on the beach and the walk. I dont know why i bothered to make the effort. I wont be doing it again!! Im now on my own in the house until 5 30....and oh am i going to have fun with myself....oh yes...im so ****ing angry, disappointed,,, and i guess jealous....because they all have a life without me...that makes me feel sooo good about myself...Im obviously sooo important to my family and my feelings so obviously matter to them

ah this is such a good day
anger is such a good emotion
self loathing is the dearest thing ever
and you just cant beat lonliness

come on Rowie, your children are growing up, they need their friends, their peers, it's ok for them to get on with things - better that than sat in their room worrying about you and Tim. Where is hubby? is he busy? maybe he's doing something for you? I know lonliness, I know waking up to find that breakfast is over and done with and hubbys taken the kids off to the park.

eat some chocolate have a little hyper jump round the room to some energetic music and let the happy rush flood you. Love you hunny, you'll always have me and rachie, terrible threesome, stuck together with cookies and love, mand x

It had nothing to do with my children mand....and im not the sort of parent to stop them being with their friends because of my needs. And no Tim wasnt doing anything for me, not that Id want him to
Thanks anyway hun.

There was much more to it than that
It doesnt matter xx

Hey lovely, how are you feeling now? Has the anger calmed down some? *cuddles*

Yes thank you hun, I have calmed down alot...I still feel very bitter about waht happened...I am one for harbouring a grudge...but i keep these things to myself.

At the end of the day..we went, all be it later and it was nice
Thank you xx

feeling really at my wits end with all of this.

My past is living in my head and not tucked away neatly in that little box that therapists talk of....Its there, in my head and i cant get shot of it.....its eating away at me. I hurts. It makes me want to harm because for that instant it means the hurt is coming from something else....

I blame myself for the r*pe....I should have kept up with my sister and the group, instead of hanging back with what i thought was a friend..I was 13, from a sheltered upbringing...i didnt have a clue....never told anyone

The sexual abuse....cant talk about that for certain reasons...but again, guilable me got wound round his little finger and was drawn into his plan...bastard.

Cancer, well most of you know what i think about that and i know how you feel about it....but i still blame myself for it and that will never go away

round and round and round in my head they go....taking alittle more of me each time

I really can cope with this anymore...nothing has changed in years...Ive talked to therapists, ok kept some back...it changes nothing

Nothing works....ever!!

except harming, takes it all away for a moment, thats better than nothing
Isnt it?

hey Dash, thank you for replying....it means a huge amount to me.

No im not ready to start seeing my therapist yet.

You see there is an element of punishment in all of this that I deserve

Painful as it is, I deserve that punishement...I cant let go of it

so round and round it goes never ending

Im trapped in its cycle, no way out

Thank you dash...I have to be ready

for some reason im rapid cycling if theres such a thing.

One minute i want to plaster ryl with happiness and woots etc

the next minute i want to sob my heart out

god knows whats happening

I know chat isnt moving fast enough for me....im biting my tongue and resisting telling them to spped up

the tv is too slow

normal chat is too slow

i need speed...it has to be fast and now im losing it again

damn tears

i was so close to going swimming with my girls

got to fill the gaps you see

have you been checked for bi-polar Rowie?

No...but my doc says im not

seeing psych sometime this month...19th i think

xx

well, keep an open mind.

Rowie,

If you'd like to chat for a bit like we used to, I'd like that.

You KNOW somewhere deep inside you that the r*pe was NOT your fault and the cancer was not your fault.

I don't want to be harsh with you but have ever thought that these are your excuses for harming? I think it's now become an addiction for you and you use excuses for it just like I did when I drank.

I love you to pieces and you have made really big steps lately. Maybe that has overwhelmed you?

Also, I'm wondering what went so wrong with the walk with your family?

If you feel like chatting send a message or post on my wall on facebook please.

I love you sweetness.
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