When is self-hate justified?
 

I despise myself. It seems that I fall short in anything I try to do, and I hurt everyone who I become close to. I am also a horrible self-centered person. The one person in my life who I have almost opened up to, says that hating myself is not normal... is she right? If the self-hate is justified then is it normal? Due to anxiety and self hatred I cut myself.It takes my mind of my anxiety (if I feel an anxiety attack coming on I can sometimes prevent it) but also is a means by which I punish myself for being me. I have given up on the idea of being truly happy, so why do I feel so guilty and ashamed?

I dont know really what I am asking... I guess I just needed to spill my guts to someone. However, having just read through what I have written, it only makes me feel worse

I think at times, everyone hates themselves. If you hate yourself then you probably have a low self-esteem and aren't actually self-centered. I know that is the case with me even though at some points I feel like I am being very self-centered and I feel guilty. I think it is normal thing to at times hate yourself.

Try to embrace who you but don't let the anxiety over take you...if that makes any sense. Try to focus on something you really enjoy or try tensing your muscles one at a time and relaxing them one at a time. I know it has helped me relax and take my mind off my anxiety. If you are somewhere where you can't do that, just tense your toes, or some part of you that wouldn't be noticeable.

Start living for yourself and you should end up being happier. You probably feel ashamed and guilt because of the way you cope with your anxiety. If your anxiety still takes control of your life after trying other ways to cope, talk to either your doctor about a prescription or to a psychologist about it.

Take Care
*HUGS*
feel welcome to "spill your guts" to me anytime through a pm or e-mail.

I do try to cope... I really do. No one knows about my issues... other than this forum. I have cut caffeine out of my diet and exercise regularly (actually that is the only time that I feel happy), but nothing helps. I cannot tell anyone, thus going to a shrink or getting medication is out of the question. I feel like I am fighting to get through each day... and not living. Kind of just waiting for it to end

Why can't you tell anyone, if you don't mind me asking? I think it would really help you if you did tell someone you could rely on and trust such as a doctor, shrink, or friend.

Afraidtogetbackup: Thank you for your kindness. I am so sorry to be wasting your time. I really am...

I cant tell a shrink because if i was to go my parents would find out. I'm 18 but i'm still under my dad's insurance. Plus I can't even say it outloud to myself. It took me forever to be able to post on here.. and I think the writing just comes easier to me cause I am used to writing poetry etc. Even if I could go to a shrink I know exactly how it would work out. I would get called in.. I would ask to be excused (panic attack coming so I would go to the bathroom), then I would sit there and lie as I always do about how I am completely fine.

Sorry again for wasting your time. I'm just tired of living this way.

You aren't wasting my time at all.

I'm 18 and under my dad's insurance as well. My parents found out about 2 months after I started because I forgot to clear my browser history and I had been searching ways to stop. I know it was so hard when they found out, I didn't even tell them, I showed them and when they asked about it I just nodded my head. Do some internet searching in your area, you might find a free clinic to go to. It is easier for me to tell my psychologist than anyone else because she doesn't judge me and I know it won't get back to my parents unless I want it to...my parents know I'm going and luckily are paying for as she isn't free but I do know that if you can't pay for it there are ways to get free help. If you want to pm or e-mail me, feel free to do that. (I respond faster to e-mails because I don't have to worry about my parents walking in on me and seeing me on RYL..they don't really approve of it but put up with it b/c my psychologist thought it was a good idea)
I'm here to help when ever you want. I know that it is hard to admit to SIing but it does help to talk to someone and it is hard going to a psychologist but I think it has really helped me a lot. Best of luck. Take care. *HUGS*

Thanks... I really do appreciate your kindness. I googled and there are no free clinics in my area for mental health. There is one but you have to not have insurance etc. I can't tell my mom because she is one of those happy bubbly positive people. She gets upset with me when I dont smile and put on a good front for others since, "thats how one gets ahead in life" and scolds me for thinking negatively. There is alot of stress in the family with my dad currently being unemployed. She has threatened to walk out on us on numerous occasions. I just dont want to make her more upset. She thinks im the one non failure in the family

Does she have to know what the appointment is for? Perhaps you could say you've hurt your knee/have a bad stomach ache or something and see your normal doctor, and then be honest when you get in the room.

I think if you called the place or went in and explained the situation they might be able to help. You yourself don't have insurance so they may still let you go for free.

But what if I was to see someone who I know? I'm pretty desperate for help but I think that I would rather die than have someone know about the real me

Those were my thoughts as well. I first went to a place about 20 minutes south of where I live where I knew I wouldn't see anyone I knew. Now I go to a place that is 30 minutes north of me. The town is a place a lot of people I know go but they usually don't go to the part of town the councelor is at unless they are eating out somewhere expensive but I am usually not there during dinnertime anyway. If there is a place that people you know wouldn't be in the same area as, try to go there. Chances are if they do see you, they don't want others to know they were there either, so they won't tell.

I'm on my parent's insurance too. They know I SI, but they don't know I have issues relating to abuse and other stuff. Since you're 18, they can't see your diagnosis or history or anything, just that you're receiving services. They might be able to see your diagnosis, but if you talk to whoever you see, they might be willing to list a different diagnosis to keep your parents out of it. My psychiatrist lists GAD on my insurance rather than PTSD. And I know it's really hard to talk about some things, but take it one step at a time. See if you can find a good therapist, establish a working relationship with them, and you might find it's a lot easier to talk to them about what's going on.

I hope you get the help you need. Stay strong.