RYL Forums - Struggling...In need of support.(poss trig)

Im really struggling at the moment.
It's my birthday today. (suppose 'was' now, as it's almost over) and it was a seriously depressing day.
Some of my friends tried, some of my 'so-called' friends didnt. But mainly its just me. I dont want to get out of bed in the morning, so who can change that? No one just me, except I cant at the moment.
I dont even know what im scared of.
I though maybe I could run away, just disappear, start again, but my thoughts are still going to be in my head if i run away, they'll only follow me wont they? So that's not an option.
I think, obviously killing myself is a permanent solution and nothing will be able to get to me if im not alive. But then something somewhere inside me is screaming 'think back 6 months ago, you had the world at your finger tips, you were so happy' and I was, and somewhere I think, maybe maybe maybe I can be happy again.
But the battle is all uphill, theres so many problems now at work - everyone hates me, but I couldnt help it, I just could not carry on any longer. I cant pretend anymore. Ive ruined everything. I dont know how this happened. Just a month ago I was okay, well I wasnt but I was doing a very good job of hiding everything and no one knew anything, now people know and I dont know what to do. I cant face up to my life or having 'depression'.
I feel so desperate, I just want to escape but I dont know what im running from - except me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's all me, i am the problem and I always have been.
Im exhausted, physically and mentally and utterly exhausted. I just want out, Im not strong enough. Im so tired. I cant bear to wake up crying another morning and feeling so anxious and hopeless for the rest of my entire life, I just cant do it.