I need help please....
 

I know ive always said i would keep my self harm from my children...well it seems that i have failed.

My husband has just told me that we had a phonecall from the school today, and that my daughter has asked to see a counsellor.

Two years ago she found a blade in a bag of mine that she borrowed...i didnt realise she had borrowed it til after the event. We had a call from the school, I sat her down and told her that it was all in the past. I thought the problem was over.

Then 2 months ago she found a blade in the bathroom...so ****ing careless of me....she went to my hubby...who told her that he didnt think anything was going on...purely because i keep it from him. Thing is, she put it in the bin so my other two children didnt find out....so shes keeping it all to herself.

Well yesterday we went out for a meal and my dressing cant have been adequate and my son pointed out a mark on my sleeve. whether this prompted her to think things wer going on I dont know...but yes today she asked to see a counsellor. She is 16 and the other two are older. She is just about to do her GCSE exams....**** timing i know....

In the summer we are due to go to Corfu....noone in my family have seen my scars....its the first holiday abroad for 7 years. As its only my hubby and my 16year old...i thought i could just cover up my scars with dressings...but now all this has happened, Im wondering whether this is a good idea and whether this holiday should go ahead because its only going to upset her seeing this.

My mental health is really bad at the moment and im trying to sort this out rationally and it really isnt happening...i cant focus.

At the mo, shes doing well in the parts of the exams shes done so far A~A*....if i go and talk to her..would it make thinhs worse, should i talk to her...should i leave it to the counsellor

shes got it all in her head and it hurts me to know what shes going through....but as a Mum i just dont know what to do for the best..how crap is that...such a bad mum.

I know some of you will say I told you so and that you saw this coming, but i really really thought id managed it...I really did...yes through lieing.......but dont we all do what we think is for the best?

What do i do? Please?
And what about the holiday? do we cancel?
sorry, im really in a right state....why he left it til now to tall me? Crap nights sleep ahead i guess.

Thanks for reading xx

You need to talk to your husband and children, Rowie. You need to support one another through words and truths. I know the damage that can be caused by living in a family that's full of secrets - and how much better it is when people start to talk.

No, I think you need to talk to her. It will make things better, not worse, to hear the truth from you. She might be really worried about you and hearing how bad (or not) it actually is will help her. She might be imagining all kinds of things! She might be worried she will lose you. I think you need to talk to her, reassure her. By all means let her go to the counsellor as well.

When you have things straightened out, your holiday should be ok because she will know what to expect and what it means.

talking to your daughter is a good idea. a counsellor cant tell her why you harm and some other questions your daughter could possibly have.

Talk to her - 16 is old enough to know the truth. Perhaps see her with the counsellor as well? So the counsellor knows the situation and can support her afterwards if she wants to talk to someone outside the family. Also talk with your husband so he can support her. I agree with disappear - hiding things and not talking about them is far more damaging than openess, also it sets an example of keeping things to yourself that will not be healthy for her.

Rowie hun, I don't really have anything to add as I'm in a similar situation myself right now, but I think everyone has given you wonderful advise and I just wanted to lend my support.

I would say dont talk to her, not yet. Can you speak to the counsellor? If so, maybe try and arrange a session where you can be present. Give her some time to talk to the counsellor and then have a joint session. She may feel more able to voice her concerns at that point. She seems fairly open with her dad, perhaps he is a good source of info. Maybe print off some information about what SH is and why people do it and leave it someplace for her to read?

Rowie, I know you think this is bad, but look at it this way, your daughter didnt bury her feelings, she didnt try to deal with more than she could handle. Instead, She has sought help and i think that is admirable. Maybe this would be a good point to open a convo with her, telling her how proud you are of her.

I really hope this gets sorted. I really hope that this may give you the wake up to realise that you cant hide this and that its really never the answer.

Your daughter is doing it the right way. you should be proud and learn from her.

I do hope that the help you asked for is genuine too. I really really really hope it is.

Thsi can be the start. We are handed chances and oportunity in the strangest guises at times. I believe this is a chance and an opening for ALL!

Take it!

Thank you so much for your replies.
WE recieved a letter from the school yesterday detailing the dates of her counselling sessions...she gets four of them, starting in may...bang during her exams. This really wories me...but feel it has to go ahead.

Anyway...that gave me the cue to talk to her. So I told her that i knew about the counselling sessions and that that was ok and that I knew it was because she was worried about me. At this point she cried and we just hugged. I told her that my illness meant that I couldnt handle my emotions properly and that sometimes id feel too sad, or angry and couldnt cope with those feelings. I told her that my harming wasnt bad (I know...but i didnt want her over worrying)..I told her that it wasnt because I wanted to die...we talked a bit more....she kind of laughed...relief I think....she then hugged again....and went on facebook saying that she felt better about it all....and would still go to the counselling sessions.

I didnt want her to carry knowing by herself, so I also went and had a talk with my son...20. He said he kind of knew by the marks on my hand which i had always blamed on the cat/ I told him the same, he said he knew it was an outlet...and was very matter of fact about it.

When I get the opportunity I will also tell my eldest daughter...I think its now important that they have each other to talk to as well as their dad. Shes now moved out so it may take a while...but yeah.

We then went out for a meal....

I felt very bad about myself yesterday, that id let my family down, that I was a bad mother for ever letting this happen, that Id ruined their lives...

I feel a bit more ok today...not sure what theyre thinking..but normal day..in town...she wants some retail therapy..so yeah, kind of normal. But I do realise things may still be festering in her head and will keep a close eye on her

Thank you once again
Much love xx


sorry..ive just reread what ive written and it seems terribly matter of fact...i think thats my wat of dealing with it all....but i wasnt that way when i was telling my children..it was done gradually and gently...sighs...

If im truthful, I really cant get my head around it all after years of hiding it and protecting them. Im worried what the future will hold for them now they know. Will they end up the same as me? Will they become self harmers, not knowing how to deal with their emotions?
round and round it goes in that head of mine, never ending....will the guilt stop..probably not
I could cry and cry right now...but no i wont..i cant......got to go out and be a normal mum xx

It sounds as if it's a relief for them that it's out in the open and can be talked about when necessary - I hope it will be a relief for you as well once you've had time to process it.

I'm so relieved for you Rowie! I think this is going to be a huge weight off for you n your family n will be really good for all of you! I'm praying for you all hun!

XXXXXXXXXXX

Glad things are working out. My daughter was 11/12 when she found out I cut. It was hard, very hard. And still is on her in many ways. xxx

Rowie, so proud of you for letting your children in, they've probably been searching google for SH info for a few years having noticed small signs. Go on holiday it will do oyu good, just explain to your daughter than you shouldn't get your more recent scars in the sun as they might burn. you are doing so well rowie bird, now you have a little team of people who will be looking out for oyu and ready to give hugs - whther oyu tell them oyu need it or not.
mand x

Hey Rowie sorry i didnt see this earlier.

When i read the first post in this thread and then the next few posts you wrote i was worried, really worried but now the thread seems really positive.Sure you still have a long way to go with this and your recovery but wow Rowie this week you have made some really really big steps and i am so so proud of you.

i know how hard you worked/work to keep this from your children so to have to go from that to actually sitting down and talking to them straight is amazing, its a really huge thing youve done.

And it sounds like it was really positive for both you and your daughter to do that and there will be hard times for you and your family with recovery no doubt but i really believe that you and your family can really move forward from here.You can support each other [using what outside help may be available too] and maybe this can be the start of something totally different.

It must feel really scary right now but it also just sounds so so positive.This is a massive step in the right direction Rowie and its so good you have managed to turn things into a bit more of a positive - maybe it is good your daughter asked to see the counsellor, they can help to support her and also maybe this whole thing can also make you closer as a family and give you the opportunity to talk to her more openly and use each other for support more!And think none of that would have happened if she hadnt wanted to see the counsellor and the school ringing you etc.

You can build on this.Take it steady and keep it up!

REALLY REALLY PROUD OF YOU!Sorry thats in caps but i cant find the words to say how proud i am of you right now.

i cant imagine how hard this must of been for you but you did it - use that to inspire you onto greater things still!You really can do anything!

xx xx

Thank you for your support....

but in hind sight it is the worst thing I have ever done
ive failed as a parent
i will never forgive myself
ever

xx

What happened Rowie?

I feel like a stranger in my own home
I barely talk
I feel they dont know what to say to me
Theyre off out swimming tonight
Ill be at home alone
probably doing things i shouldnt be doing to make myself feel ok
I feel secluded in my own little world
And that Im getting locked into it
Me and them...two separate things
Not as a family should be

Could you not go and watch them?

Ive asked my husband, but he says theres not really much point as they swim the opposite end to where the viewing gallery is. And to be honest the ecoing noise that you get at pools would drive me crazy

But thank you xx

Yes there are failings. the failings have affected all and there is no escaping that. But you now have a marvelous oportuunity to all work together and fight this.

You have a choice:

Sit in pity and die
or
Fight and get your family and yourself back!


The first option is the easy one. require little or no effort. will achieve as much self hatred and loathing as you could possibly want.

The second option will take you to the limit, question your every ounce of being, but will offer rewards greater than all the effort.



xxx