I need some help *suicide* *may be triggering*
 

Hi,

I feel so alone, I don't know what to do. I have my psychologist and my counsellor, but at the end of the day, they are paid to care and could hand in their notice at any moment.
People at college hate me, it just feels like everyone hates me, I feel like such a nuisence to people in life, even on RYL.
I'm at such a low point, my anorexia seems to be turning into buliema, I feel fat and huge and too old. I can't let go of the past and I let it affect everything because I don't know how to get over it.
I've overdosed so many times between the age of 13 and now and I really really feel like its the right option now. To go, to get away from all of this. I don't want to, but I don't know how this can get better. I really need someone to talk to :(

x

*hugs*
Sorry that you're feeling like this :(
Want to talk about what you're holding on to from the past?
Do you have any friends outside of college?
And you're definitely not a nuisance on here!
And hi, I'm Jen by the way, nice to meet you :)

Hi Jen,

I'm Claire :)

There's a lot of stuff from the past, bullying, my sister running away, my parents car crash, sexual abuse.
No I don't have any friends outside of college, I hate to admit it but right now I'm a complete loner. I'm just really hurting :(

xxxx

*hugs*
I'm sorry that things are going badly at the moment for you :( It sucks when you don't have people to talk to, but that can always change. Will you be leaving college soon? In which case a new environment is a good chance to make friends. Or could you join some clubs at college, or outside of? It's a great way to meet people with similar interests, and you deserve to have people who you can rely.

In terms of the past, time is a great healer. Do you feel that you have talked through the bad memories enough to lay them to rest and let the wounds heal, or would you benefit from talking about it?

Do you have any professional help for this?

And why do you feel your anorexia is becoming bulimia?

*hugs*

Thanks, no I still have another year at college after this one. There aren't really clubs at our college, I tried really hard and made loads of friends but then this one girl spread a load of rubbish about me and nobody spoke to me again after that day and then this boy text me last night and was like 'I think your an idiot, I know why everyone hates you at college' I'm just so misunderstood.

I can't talk about things, it's really frustrating, I try because I know I need to but the words don't come out, I actually can't open my mouth half the time in therapy :/

I see a psychologist for my ED and a counsellor, but it doesn't feel like enough, I feel like I should be in hospital in all honesty

Well I used to starve and restrict, tried to recover and now I binge, purge, starve, binge, purge, starve and I'm more of a normal weight now as well

xxxxx

What are you studying at college? I'm sorry that you've had a hard time at college. That girl sounds like a bitch :( What about outside of college? Do you have any hobbies?

Could you write things down, if it's hard to say the words?

Hmm, do you really want to be in hospital? You're young, and it takes so much time out of your life. My ED isn't bad enough for hospitalisation, but my best friend has so many scare stories about being admitted. It's really not pleasant, so if you can avoid it and try to get better with counselling, it will be lots better for you.

Well done for trying to recover! What made you want to recover? And what caused you to go back down the ED path again? And I have to say, if anything, please try not to get into the habit of purging. It's so dangerous, and does so much damage to you.

Take care!

I'm doing a levels in psychology, sociology and drama and theatre studies. Out of college, I have friends but they all live miles and miles away because before I went to college, I went to dance school in Surrey and people came from all over Europe. I don't really have any hobbies at the moment, I used to dance but then I got too ill.

I used to write things down but I end up not being able to talk about what I've written down so my psychologist doesn't really let me write things down anymore.

I tried to recover because I thought there might be some happiness at the end of it and I could live my life, have fun and give myself a chance, but then I realised that I don't deserve happiness, nothing goes right for me and I need my anorexia to keep me going but I hate the binging/purging bit, I never used to do but now I can't stop :(

xxxxxxxx

I know the feeling of not being able to stop:(

I dont have many words right now but here if you wana chat/talk
thinking of you

Thanks Lozza,

Yeah def one of the worst feelings :(

xxxx

*cuddles lots*

I have struggled with in the past my sh and anorexia
and now currently, use of alcohol.

So you are definately not alone.

but you are here on ryl wanting help so I see that as a really good sign :)

*hugs*
Those a-levels sound like fun- are you enjoying them?
You could try to talk to your friends from your old school on skype? Do they know about your illness?

Why do you think you don't deserve to be happy? I certainly think you do! Anorexia does more than just make you lose weight- it consumes your body and mind, and takes away your self-worth. You are worth so much more than this, and you can fight it and find a happier future.

I think that's such an awful, horrible thing for someone to do another person. Don't these people know how bad that can be? I think you're completely right, they don't understand you. They don't know you.

I hope you can find maybe some local group which has nothing to do with college. Just some people who can show you that you are a worthy person, and you do have a right to be happy. I mean, that can come from inside, from you, but it's good to get a change from people telling you are awful. I still want everyone to like me. We all have a right to be happy though. It sounds like you need somewhere away from college so you don't need to see these people all the time, and can get some perspective. I know what it's like to be stuck in the middle of people who seem to just hate and hate. But not everyone is like that, and later in life, you will meet people who know this behaviour is just destructive. There are so many better things in life.

Perhaps you could volunteer at a charity shop at the weekend?

Stay well, I wish you all the best.

Have you considered going back to dance?

It may be that revisiting something like this can help provide a purpose - A reason to look after yourself and deal with the ED, and the chance to meet new people and develop a friendship base.

I am not sure what the rumour was, that the college girl has spread - It is sad that people are believing it though. Is there anything you could do to change peoples minds? The best way I know is to tell the truth. If a rumour has been spread and it is not true, or twisted, it is much easier to refute it with the truth. Be frank and honest and if asked say that you have no idea why this girl has spread such a nasty rumour, beyond needing to belittle others to make herself feel better.

College doesnt last forever though, keep that in mind.

Be gentle with yourself

Roiben x

yeah I'm enjoying my a levels, espesh drama.
Thats true, I'm rubbish with computers but could give skype a go, although they don't know about my illness
Thankyou Pi.R^2, I guess I feel like I always get knocked down so maybe someone/something out their believes I don't deserve happiness

Mayfly, I know it really hurt :( I'd just come back from an emergency appointment at the mental health hospital because I was so suicidal, got back to college and that happened.
Thanks for the ideas, I'll have a look about and see what I can find

Roiben, I have considered going back to dance, but I'm not 100% sure its the right time yet but I get where you're coming from and it might be an idea for the near future :) Yeah I tried being honest, apologising and I just got ignored. But I found out today she's really manipulative, she went out with this boy and when he ended it she faked a pregnancy and an abortion to try and get him back and then made everyone hate him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wow, I could never do a subject like drama. I'm a terrible actor.
How are you doing now?

You definitely deserve happiness. You've had some shocking experiences with people, but don't lose faith, there are good people out there, and you will find where you belong soon enough :)

Yess, try skype! It's super-easy to use- I suspect my mum could even possibly operate it, and that is saying something :p

Who 'in real life' knows about your illness?