Where i'm at...
 

today was the anniversary of rape/sexual abuse, whatever you wanna say. even though it was 6 years ago, i still feel affected. i feel like i should be over it by now. I was having flashbacks earlier, and lots of memories. I felt so dirty, and was screaming for "him" to get off and out of me.
I had made plans to go out for the afternoon to keep me busy/distracted.
Have felt quite anxious today. My self-esteem has really slipped lately, i feel like im an awful person, and really not nice. I worry my friends think ive changed, and have become harsh/cold or not a good friend anymore. They have not said anything to make me feel that way, but i just worry im not a nice person. I don't like who i am/who ive become.
I feel my confidence has gone downhill, im quieter, hunch over when sitting down, and i hate it.
Ive noticed recently im becoming more not with it, and feel quite 'spacey'. I don't really feel here, and "go away" during conversations, but keep talking automatically, but i dont know what im saying, because im "not there".
I am being discharged tomorrow from mental health services, having been with them for 6/7 years (various teams) and its scary. Going back to my GP feels so scary. No more support from the EIT. They believe in me, that I can do it and have all the skills to be able to manage, but i dont believe in myself, and am frightened.
Just not in a great place at the moment and could do with some support please.

Oh *hugs* I'm sorry, that must have been awful. And you have every right to be upset about it; it doesn't go away just because six years have passed.

Have you spoken to anyone about the flashbacks etc.? Are they just bad because it's the anniversary or are they always like this?

You're not a bad person. I'm sure you're friends haven't noticed, except that maybe you're quieter and more withdrawn? They're probably just worried about you.

Good luck with the discharge. Try to look at it as a positive thing; you must be doing a lot better to let you go.

as above. And good luck with the discharge. Its perfectly understandable that it is still affecting you now. :)

I'm so sorry that you have experienced this, you shouldn't have had to endure that no one should.

I know how hard anniversaries can be, they're tough for me too. Your plan of keeping busy/distracted I've found to be the best option for me personally.

I think recovery from any sort of emotional trauma is quite different to recovery from physical trauma. For example, if you break a bone, doctors could tell you that the majority of patients would heal in X weeks/months. They could tell you if it's best to be in traction, have a cast on etc etc. They could offer you physiotherapy after if mobility is affected. I feel recovery from emotional trauma is quite different. Firstly it affects everyone differently. Two people experiencing similar things could recover from them very differently. Also therapy isn't a one-size-fits-all type of thing. Different people find different therapies beneficial, so finding that out takes time. So you can't really apply a time scale and say it's been X years I should be over it now and it doesn't really work like that.

Do you feel like you could cope with this and be discharged. Or do you feel that discharge at the moment isn't best for you? I guess if that's the case you could ask them not to discharge you.

Having any sort of knock to your self esteem is hard but I'm sure you feeling like you're not a nice person is just the low self esteem and is really not the truth.

Thank you for replying and for the hugs, i appreciate it.
I didnt really speak to anyone about the flashbacks, i said id had them to a couple of friends, but didnt go into depth, i dont like upsetting people by saying what it was i was experiencing. It was just bad i think because of the anniversary, it used to be a lot worse. I dont just feel really scared of what happened, and traumatised by that, but also what happened afterwards-how people reacted/behaved towards me (not in a good way), and having to talk to police about it.
But yeah i thought it would be good to plan something on the day so I wouldnt be "living in my head" all day.
And yeah 'Demons to Some', thats true-about there not being a set timescale. I wouldnt say to someone else you should be over it, its been six years, but because its me, its different, im so hard on myself.
Thanks for the encouragement about discharge. The meeting went okay. I have felt positive so far about it since the meeting, but it takes a lot of effort to maintain the positivity. I could so easily slip back down.
Ive had to be discharged because the EIT only see people for 3 years, and they thought i would be okay to go back to my GP and wouldnt need another service.
I am worried of becoming unwell again, but Ive come so far to throw it all away. I wish that damn voice at the back of my head, making me think id even want that way of life would disappear!

I'm sorry you got bad reactions after it happened, it's hard enough to go through that without having to deal with other people's negative reactions. I found the police were very hard for me to deal with too.

I can relate to you being hard on yourself, I'm the same, I think a lot of people here could relate to that.

I guess it'll always be a worry, for a lot of people who've recovered from things like this, that they could slip back. But you can minimise the chances of that happening by relying on better coping mechanisms, talking to people etc. Your GP will always be there should you need anything in the future, maybe knowing that safety net is there might offer some reassurance?