trying so hard *Possible Trig*
 

Im so angry with myself so i apologise, if this doesnt make full sense.

Basically at the moment im trying so hard to not cut, ive managed nearly 2 weeks and it is so hard when i know the knife can offer me feelings.
over the last two nights i have been drinking alot to forget things, i have gone through 3bottles of vodka and have just been drinking it straight, i literally dont remember anything.

This morning i wake up and my phone isnt working, its a iphone4 so i know repairing it wont be cheap! im so pissed off with myself, everything i seem to do or touch breaks, ii am not a good person.

i am sitting with knife on the table next to me, i know it doesnt offer the solution but it makes the problem seem smaller, if i hurt then i feel alive, if i dont i just explode internally, i really dont want to,

i always try and end my posts with something bit arty cuz it makes me think and acts as a distraction so here i go

i stare at the blade, it shines my reflection back, i know it cant see me, but does it feel me as i cut?does it know what it does as i grip the handle so intensely that my knuckles turn white...

i cant be bothered to write something
argh

im sorry all

how was your afternoon and evening?

maybe it would help if you didn't keep alcohol in your house. that way it wouldn't be so easily available.

it is pretty impossible for everything you touch to break, even if it feels like its true. its easy to just remember the times that things go wrong, and not the majority of times when they go right. and it may not be your fault at all. don't blame yourself before you know whats going on. and then, try not to generalize the blame (or other things as well). just because you made a mistake once doesn't mean that you always make mistakes.