Option or need
 

Hey,

Guess I'm writing this post mainly to get me through a horrible patch of thinking....

It's been 8 days since I've SI'd and that's the longest I've ever gone,so I don't want to slip up now unless I have to.

I guess the problem lies with that I don't seem to feel anything normally, I can think and have many thoughts (normally negative) but never can I say I truly feel until I harm.

My life seems to move infront of me without the help of me anymore,I seem to be a passenger and a dark thing seems to be the driver. I don't know where he is taking me or what the cost of the journey is going to be. I just know that I can't seem to see forward,behind me is just memory and the light seems to fade the longer the trip takes...

8 is great hun! 9 days would be even greater! You can do it! The fact that you reached out for help is a show of strength and determination.

The rest of what you wrote was quite poetic. I'm not sure what to say about it exactly, but I wanted you to know that I'm here n I care.

That's completely normal with depression - or, my depression, anyway. I'm constantly numb and can't feel any emotion (my Prozac prescription has been helping this immensely - I've been feeling a lot more since I started taking it a week or so ago).

If you really want to stop your SI, you have to realize that it is hard, and the want to do it might be just as strong every time as it normally is; the only difference is that you've broken the habit. Once you kill the habit part of it, it becomes manageable; you own it, it does not own you.

What I did was, I started off slow. I decided only to do it once a week. Then I turned it into once every two weeks, and once every three weeks, and once a month, and from there I went to never.

I did cut myself seven months later after breaking the habit, but it no longer was a habit for me; I cut seven months after I quit, and it's been seventeen months since then, for me.

You have to take baby steps, and you have to stay strong in your convictions that you need to stop it, and that you need to never do it again. It is something that can easily re-form into a habit, and take control of your life again.

It might not stop until your depression ends, or until you successfully treat your OCD, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, etcetera. Hell, I've been depressed since I've stopped, and I still want it - daily. Sometimes multiple times a day.

You just have to stay strong through that.

I still keep a knife in my drawer "for emergencies", but I haven't used it yet; every time I take it out, I remember that it's been x amount of time since I'd done it, and I don't want to remember that night/day as the night/day where I cut myself.

Remember: Cutting doesn't make you a better person. It might take away your numbness, it might make you functional where without it, you'd be completely lost. But the cost is your self-respect, your control over your life, and your ability to recover.

Stick to your conviction, and remember, no matter what: This **** sucks. It sucked when I did it, and it'll suck if I do it again. You don't need it, and you don't want it. It's been rejected.

Now kick it's ass through the door like it's a cheating ex, and move on with your life.

Thankyou for the help,just to let you know I managed to get through the night.

Thanks all :)

That's fantastic! I'm so proud n happy for you!