getting worse? or better?
 

I have cut more in the past 6 weeks than I did in 3 years.

I went inpatient a month ago. I have started cutting again.

I am doing better in a lot of ways, but I am very confused and just all mixed up

I have been using art a lot as a way to get my feelings out instead of cutting, but it has backfired a few times because I became all judgemental about the art and then got more upset.

Last time I cut it felt a lot more serious. I went to the pharmacy just so that i cold buy those butterfly closure things. then i went home and cut and made sure i would need them. I did try more positive things before sh, but it just wasnt enough i started shaking and just had to do it. but i freaked myself out after-I almost fainted, not because I bled too much but because I scared myselfl

im just so confused.

I'm glad to hear you've tried finding positive ways to cope- there's a start! It does sound like you're getting better in that sense :)

*hugs* I'm sorry about wanting to do more damage to yourself :( I wish there was some advice I could give, but, that's also something I struggle with...

I really hope you're ok! You can always send a PM if you need to talk

*more hugs and love*

Getting onto that path to recovery can be upsetting - in that sense it's quite understandable.

I hope you're keeping yourself safe and are taking good care of your wounds. Do you have support still? It sounds like it's needed.

Things must be confusing indeed, but I guess.. when things come to light and you start thinking in new ways - or people bring up new stuff - it can be scary, and upsetting. It means leaving behind what we know. It means getting out of our comfort zone (miserable place though it may be sometimes!). So in a way I'm not surprised you're harming more, I'm guessing you've had a lot to think about recently? What with going inpatient and everything?

It's important to remember that things will become easier. You will get used to new ways and new circumstances. No matter whether you cut or not, it's good that you tried other options first. Never give up trying.

Good luck x

I do have support a lot in fact thank goodness-I am in an outpatient program. I have therapy and groups every day.

I dont know its not that I have uncovered long lost traumatic childhood events or anything new. But I guess I have been thinking about things in new ways, and realizing that I dont know who I am. And that I hate myself and judgemyself constantly, that all my thoughts are distorted and that I feel like no one actually cares about me-that they just pretend to.

I am taking care of them. Actually I think thats part of the reason why I cut to begin with. I like to take care of them. I purposfully went and bought steri strips cause I wanted to cause a lot of damage and then take care of it-stupid I know.

Its really hard to remember that things will get better.

Its been years and years. And now I am loosing my job because of this crap. Its not my fault my boss is just an unethical horrible person who doesnt understand people needing accomodations. Every thing is falling apart, employees used to love me everyone only has great things to say about me, but it seems lately everyone hates me.

all I want to do is sleep, restrict, and cut. what a life

Do you know why things have got worse recently?
It sounds cliche, but you are who you want to be. What do you want to be?

You say that you have therapy and groups, could you speak to a doctor or someone there? It doesn't sound like you're in a very good way at the moment.

Some things are getting worse-like cutting. But I also know that deep down I am workng on things and I supposesedly I am moving forward. But right now all I know is that all this therapy has shown me that I dont know who I am

I guess it makes sense some things are worse? Cause my world is sort of being turned upside down so that it can get a little beter?

I am realizeing how so many of the things I do and feel and say are directly related to borderline. Its very frustrating. I knew as a psychology student that I was likely to be diagnosed with BPD considering I have ED and do SH, but i didnt really think it would be an accurate dx-now its clear I have all the stuff. therapists kept pointing it out to me

I have lots of support. All there is besides this is day treatment or inpatient. I have different therapies every single day. 12 hours a week total. I see my individual therapist 2 a week, psychiatrist every few weeks and then a ton of different groups-i finally feel like I am getting really support. But its so frustrating cause I feel like everything is breaking down.

but its still not as bad as before the hospital. My actions are worse-but my thoughts are more tolerable at least i am fighting urges to cut rather than kill myself right?

Yes, I guess it's understandable the therapy would upset things in the short term, it's causing a massive change in your life.

Yes, I suppose fighting urges to cut is an improvement on suicidal. I'm glad you have a lot of support, it sounds like things might be getting better in the long term, even if things are a bit upside-down at the moment.