triggering saw something very upsetting
 

I have been waiting on my gf's dog to have her pups for what seems like forever. She went into labor a few hours ago. The first baby was born breach and it's mom wouldnt lick its face. It didn't make it. I feel like it's my fault because I wanted them so much. I had three previous dogs and poured all my love an attention on them. I bought them everything and due to circumstances beyond my control they passed. There isn't a day I don't think about my angels. I was promised two of my gf's dogs pups. Animals give you what no one else can. I feel like I made the puppy pass. Shes still in labor and if another one passes I don't know how well I am going to take that. My grandma always said if someone wanted something to bad it would die. I won't take not one puppy so long as another one doesn't pass away. Struggling right now. My emotions are off the charts. I don't want to harm. I really really don't. My heart hurts so bad right now. It feels like its going to burst out of my chest. I feel like I deserve what I am getting. I was always told I deserve it. Its hard to shake that after a lifetime of hearing it. Therapy is tomorrow but oh how I wish it was right now. I plead with myself to be strong. I try to stay busy to keep from harming. Most of the day I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the floors in all the rooms. Everything is done and now I am left to deal with emotions and pain are really doing a number on me. I know the passing away of a puppy seems trival but you have no idea the emotional ties this had for me. Children grow up move away and in my case wont talk to you. Siblings don't even acknowledge I exist. A animal they give so much and in return all they ask for is love. This is my last chance at getting a puppy. She is a pure breed. My gf is getting her fixed after this. I can't afford to buy one of the breed. Besides, I have to keep watching the mother with her puppy that passed away because you cant remove it till labor is over. No one is responsible for my actions. Only I am to blame for what I do or dont. Please don't let this make you harm. Remain strong and have faith in yourself. I know we all know the struggle we endure. Thats what places like this is for. You walk into a dr's office and they look at you like your a freak. You go into a store and the questions start. Besides the obvious emotional pain we go thru there is also for me shame. I am very disappointed with myself. Thank goodness therapy tomorrow. First step to healing is getting help. I beat this before for a good bit of time. If I can do it before I can do it again. Right now however, I'm staying glued to this room. My safety zone according to my therapist and myself. The one place I can shut everything out just by closing the door. Take care everyone and remember have faith in yourself. :exclamationmark:

Hi there, i cant realy relate much with the passing of the pup, was realy young when my previous dog died, but i do get the attatchment to animals.I love love love my dog and i know she will love me always too so long as i feed her, take her for walks and give her cuddles.She will love me when i look a totaly mess, if i feel a total mess, she just loves me for me.I think that's what you were saying.So just know that i get what you mean.

You say that its your last chance to get a puppy.
I dont quite understand why but it does seem like you are focused on wanting one of these puppies in particular.
I know you are feeling realy upset and emotion about the little puppy dying, i can only imagine how awful you must be feeling but bad things happen and are sent to test us and maybe everything does happen for a reason??

No disrespect to your Grandmother but i personaly dont believe her theory that if you want something too much it will die, and i actualy think, judging by this post, it has had a negitive psychological effect on you which you may benefit from talking about with your therapist.

Have you considered that you could go to a rescue kennel and find an affordable pup to buy and take home with you?
It may not be the breed you want but if there is a scruffy little doggy out there that no one wants it would benefit so much from your love for dogs.

Sorry i dont have any decent advice, but if you are breaking point, you realy should call a crisis team or something.

Best wishes

you do have a idea but let me explain
 

First off thank you for replying and relating with me. My grandma wasn't the only one who did a number on me. The dog I was talking about it wasn't as much about them being hers it is the breed. She is a Chihuahua. I am scared of any dogs larger. My daughter was moving to Rhode Island with her dad and had a rat terrier. It's too cold there so she begged me to take him. He had his papers and everything. So I agree to take him in. He was much larger for that breed. The first time he attacked me from behind and latched on to my legs. My gf had to kick me in the stomach to throw me back to get him off me. It was nasty but didn't need stitches. I had already grown attached to him and I figured someway I had set him off. Second time I was rubbing his belly and he just jumped up and latched onto my face. That time required stitches. I didn't learn. I still loved him and the thought of letting my daughter down kept me from getting rid of him. The last and final time he was on the sofa and stood up like he normally does when he wants a hug. So I went to hug him and he latched on from below the right side of my nose to upper and lower lip puncturing all the way thru. He was shaking his head hard and I put my hand up to try to get him off me. He tore into it then back to my face. It was like a dream. I can still see myself put my free hand to my face and coming away soaked. My gf had to throw a bar stool at him to get him off me. That time required a 911 and three day hospital stay. My gf placed him in a good home no children and the man knew exactly what he had done. So hopefully you can see why that paticular dog. Besides my three previous dogs were also that breed. I was counting on my gf's dogs puppies because they wouldn't cost anything and I would have the dogs I love. I really feel like it's my fault. I wanted them so bad I even had names picked out. To say that is the only thing wrong today would be a lie. I am also bipolar and have borderline personality disorder. Borderline personality disorder develops at a very young age by severe abuse. The two combined today was is overwhelming. For hours I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the floors, cleaning counters, doing laundry, playing farmville, and finally posting in here all to avoid harming. With bipolar you get these racing thoughts in your head and its like their hitting you all at once and you just want quiet. Then there is the abuse Ptsd. Things play over and over in my head and I have to battle to make it stop. I will probably be in therapy my whole life. I use crisis lines believe me and for awhile they are helpful but then in the end I resort to harming. I am sorry for laying all this out it's just on a computer you can put your thoughts and no worries of being judged. To the ones you love they don't understand and in my experience think I can just stop. Again thank you for replying. I know people must get sick of my post by now.:sad:

Hey im not sick of your posting and it is correct that people dont tend to judge as much online, i dont.Dont be sorry, there realy is no need.I feel you are being very self critical at the moment and being too hard on yourself.I know you cant help it though.
If it helps, i dont think that any of this is your fault.

In your first post you wrote that maybe people would think that this situation is trivial but it is usualy the case that the things that appear small to others have a big effect on us and with your Bipolar, Borderline and Post Traumatic Stress, your feelings are more than likely multiplied by a 100 alot of the time.

I also have PTSD and was diagnosed with Borderline at one point but i have been misdiagnosed alot so im not sure that the borderline is on my current list of diagnoses' =/ ...So i have an insight to how things can get so overwhelming.

I understand now why you wanted that particular breed your experience with that dog must have been very frightening and upseting.Im sorry for that.

Im not trying to pass of your feelings of wanting that type of dog so i wont list any of them but there are other small dog breeds out there.I just want you to feel like there is another way even though it wont replace your feelings of grief for the lost puppies.

Im quite sure they'd have been very lucky to have you as their owner but it wasnt meant to be.
As hard as it might be and as harsh as it might sound you need to try your very hardest now to lift your chin up and accept what has happened and i think talking about it with your therapist will help!

thank you true challenge ahead today triggering
 

You are very enlightened. Thank you for your words they are very comforting. I had a horrible night last night. My sleep is horrible when I get some and my stomach is so twisted. Every time I visit my therapist it throws her back I have so much going on and that has happened and here today I bring even more to the table. An hour once a week just isn't enough to talk thru everything you need to get out. Today she requested I bring my journal. Trying to advoid to commiting to bringing it last week I asked her which one. In all truth I have one going for my gf, all three of my children, my own, and one for poetry. I know the one she wants and if I want to take the steps to get better well sometimes you have to do what you don't like. Years back when I was married my deadbeat ex would hardly work so we had to live with his sister. We both had to work at a pizza place. His sister kept calling me at work to come home yelling at me. One day my ex an I had went somewhere and had just walked back in the door when I was hit with something that had and has terrible after effects. His sister and her husband had been in my journal and ripped out pages they were upset about. The violation I felt would remain with me for years. I was kicked out left to sleep in the car while my ex now and my children were allowed to sleep in the house. The next day we packed up and went to his parents house a hour an a half away. Before they would let me stay they insisted on a apology for something I had done. My ex had abused me through out the whole marriage. My brother helped me escape for a little while. I had lied to my ex's stepmother and said I found a place to stay so we could move my things. They realized that night I had lied. Anyways to get to stay with them again I was told I had to apologize and make it good enough then they would decide. My heart hurt so much. I don't have family that cares no friends nobody to go to so I had to do it. I sat at that table and started to apologize but I found the strength even though I could barely breathe to tell them yes I lied but their son had been abusing me since day one of our marriage. I was asked to step outside along with my now ex while they decided. We got to stay but the price I paid that day still haunts me. My ex was never spoken to about the abuse by his family. Again neatly swept under the rug. It wasn't until many months ago after a lot of years I have been able to journal again. The type of person I am causes me a lot of emotional pain. I have to take the blame for that. I give with everything I have. Stranger or a friend of my gf or my children charities whatever they want or need I am there. Emotionally I am the one they come to. I'm not perfect but as a person I can look in the mirror on that one. Any other time I avoid the mirror. I hate being forced to look in my own eyes where the pain in my eyes is so clear for me to see. I am really hoping starting to college again very soon will challenge me enough where I don't have time to let unwanted thoughts and feelings invade my mind. Stay safe everyone. My therapist is going to love me today. Funny!:sad: