Ramblings...
 

I'm sorry I haven't been about much recently but I want you all to know I've been thinking about you all even if I'm not able to leave comments/feel I have advice to give.

I don't know why my mind has taken to rethinking a lot of old issues/past events when things in my life are actually improving.

I am in a relationship with someone who understands me/likes me for me and I actually believe him and ulthough it is early,I'm not worried he will hurt me.
My daughter has finally been diagnosed with severe glue ear after almost two years of me telling health proffesionals I think she is deaf.
It's looking likely I will be able to go back to college (provided I pass the assessement) and study to become a special-needs teacher.... all amazing positive things...

Yet here I am again,with this dark cloud looming over me for no real reason....
ok there are reasons but not new ones.
I struggle now I am the size I am...I'm actually a normal weight,slightly bigger than I should be but normal...yet I can't get my head round it...I know I did not look good at a tiny size yet I find my self thinking "oh if I can loose this much" or " just x amount of this"
Doesn't help my mum offering to do a weigh in with me....and asking me to write down what I eat,I know she's trying to be helpful but it makes me feel fat :( I have battled with eating since I was about eight years old...thought I'd cracked it but I guess it flares up with the OCD.

I'm sorry I'm rambling on.... just thought I'd beaten the worst of the beast and yet I'm sat here like I would have 4/5 years ago,mulling things round in my head.I repeirced my navel today,Not for SI reasons but the pain is kind of helping right now... dangerous situation... I do not want to relapse when my life is finally going well....

Hey your not rambling at all its good to just write sometimes,

I kind of find that and im going to say what i think it is but its just from my experience it might not be that same as yours.

I find when my life is back on track and going well i can have like a reverse to what i used to think like very un-positive negative thoughts and I’m some ways I think it’s because for so long we learn to cope and live with (issues) that now that there are more things going right its a bit like going no i cope better with (issues) if you see what i mean, i also believe that its a kind of i don’t deserve this so it’s a kind of self-destruct thing.

You might think this is not your situation but it’s my experience so i thought id share.

The thing i always found so important is to fight the darkness because you have enough positive things in your life at the moment to help you through.

Best of luck

jade

: )

Thanks Jade :)
Think it helped just putting it out there so to speak,I suspect you may be right as I generally cope ok in difficult circumstances and I guess overthink things when they are improving.

I have come to the conclusion it's prob something to do with my OCD as I'm getting more "compulsions" now that things are changing.I guess for the past three/four years my life has been one way,and now most aspects of it are changing...for the better but I'm not so good with it these days.
I have my faith though which keeps me going but sometimes all you can see is the blackness.

Kinda taking everyday as it comes,every hour really xx